A New Month, A New Start

It's the end of the month, which means that it's the start of a new month. Today I called the Army recruiting center, and went through a preliminary interview- height, weight, any criminal convictions, (none, the misdemeanor was dropped) and so on. This afternoon I'm going in to see what's available, and finally start over. I'm tired of waiting on the world- now the world will wait for me! I know perfectly well I can pass the tests as well as pass the physical standards, and will be able to do basic training standing on my head. But what I can't seem to do is cut it in the civilian world. I've had a series of jobs that went nowhere, and never really found a place in this world- I always thought I was going to waste, and that I somehow was not able to get out of my own way long enough for things to take a turn for the better. So I decided to do something about it. It wasn't a spur of the moment decision, and I know the risks involved in it. But I think it's worth it for my family. They deserve the best I can give them, and if this is the way to do it, then so be it. I'm cautiously optimistic, and besides, the Army is always hiring, as I understand it. Good job security, too.
Apart from that, it's pretty much life as usual. Spring is here, and a couple nights ago instead of snow, we had thunderstorms! It's been a while since that's happened! Nothing much else is going on here, so wish me luck! I'm off to hopefully start anew!

Nor The Demons Down Under the Sea

I wonder if recurring dreams are some form of psychosis. Probably not. At any rate, I have one, that seems to occur more frequently than anything else. It isn't scary or anything, but a little on the weird side. It revolves around a large body of water, possibly a large lake or river. There doesn't seem to ever be much current to it, so my guess would be a lake, although the shores of the lake on two sides are usually out of sight. At any rate, this lake is located in the woods- usual New England-type forests, maple trees, oak trees, a few pine trees and birch trees. The forest comes pretty much right up to the shore, and the bank drops off steeply to the water's edge. The lake itself is somewhat murky, and deep- looking into it gives the impression of depths far over your head, deeper than I could imagine. I'm always swimming across this lake, sometimes in a boat, but always in the water. The depth of it doesn't seem scary or threatening, and swimming in it is easy. There is an island in the middle of the lake, not much really, just a small patch of land that has a few trees and shrubs on it, that I sometimes swim out to. Just under the surface of the water, in a straight line to the shore from the island, are a series of metal pylons, such as would support a bridge. They are rusted and old, and any bridge they may have supported is long gone. It's possible to sit or stand on top of one and jump to the next across the water. I found these by whacking my shin on one, (being a dream, fortunately it didn't hurt). But there they were, their ends buried in the incomprehensible depth of the lake.
So what does all this mean? Well, various dream dictionaries indicate the water is more important than the lake. Water, especially a body of water, often indicates the subconscious. How you relate to that water tells a good deal about yourself. Here, the water is deep, and the depths can't be seen, indicating there's something I don't know, or at least am not consciously aware of. The fact that there are pylons in it, indicating both that the depths are not infinite and that I can get a grasp of whatever is down there, is a good sign, I think. Another interpretation says that since the water is easy to move through (sometimes with superhuman speed) points to a good relationship with a partner. (That much is true). The lack of any threats seems to indicate a good chance of finding out what is in this lake, apart from the pylons. I think overall it indicates some untapped potential, and a sense of growing into what I could be. Since I met the love of my life, I've been finding this to be the case- things are opening up, and I'm finding myself able to do things I didn't know I could do, and posessing courage and fearlessness I also didn't know I had. If that's all it means, then good. Perhaps there's something more, though- perhaps a sense of lost direction- there's so much out there, and being on my own, on the fringe of this new world, is quite a tall order. Better to be a master of one trade than a jack of all, as they say. But luck and dedication have gotten me this far- let's see how far down the rabbit hole we can go!

Set Me on Fire

There's a woman in my life who does precisely that. (I still have scars) Okay, not literally ignites me, but I never really understood what it meant until now. She does set me on fire, in a metaphorical sense- she makes me want to do more, to be more. All this energy needs direction, however. I would do anything for her, and she knows that, but what we both need now is a constructive end to put all this energy towards. From the ashes of defeat come renewal and advancement- reminds me of the old stories about the Phoenix. The Phoenix was (or is) a big bird, a mythical creature. Some accounts have the bird building a funeral pyre, then sitting in the flames, others that the bird simply catches fire and burns. In either case, however, the bird reduces itself to ashes. It does this when it is ready to die, and from the ashes is reborn again, and repeats the cycle all over again. I can see why people like this concept-the idea of reinventing or renewing yourself. But also, in order to do that, the bird must first go through the fire. Maybe all our lives are like that- we need to be tempered by the difficult things that happen to us, so that we can come out the other side in better shape than when we went in. There may not be any sense or reason for why things happen the way they do, but at least we can gain some small degree of experience from them.
At any rate, enough armchair philosophising. Last night at the library was a time worth reporting. I had a couple hours to kill, so decided to settle in with a good book for a little while. Sure, I could have stayed home and done the same thing, but there's something about libraries that I always liked. Perhaps it's the sense of being surrounded by books- all different words, different ideas and stories, each one waiting to be picked up and examined. So there I was, reading Gregory Corso, (a true son of a Beat, I am) when klezmer music begins to play from somewhere nearby. At first I thought it was over a loudspeaker or something, but the stops and starts made me wonder. It sounded like a group of musicians warming up, going over a few bars they wanted to get down perfectly. It was a really interesting, surrealistic touch- I began to imagine my friend across the corridor, a librarian, juggling books, her face painted in black and white, the library becoming some cross between a library and a European circus. As it turns out, there is an ampitheatre in the basement of the library, and a band was playing that evening. I went downstairs to listen for a bit, expecting at every turn to be confronted by masked and costumed jugglers or acrobats, and to be called upon to take a place in the circus. A nicely surrealistic little daydream- it's our imaginations that keep life from being too dull, I've always thought.

Today's Rant

...yeah. Just had to put this one up- it is also from The Worst Horse, and is an actual statue in Thailand. (added my own commentary on it- I think that about sums it up.) I would buy a plane ticket just to take a baseball bat to this thing, not that it offends any religious sensibilities, (which it does) but just because it's so goddamn hideous. Highwater pants, what appears to be a peppermint-stripe wetsuit on underneath, and giant shoes... not to mention the burger-eatin' grin plastered all over that grease-painted face. It inspires thoughts of clubbing to death with a Big Mac. Why is he wearing gloves? Afraid to leave fingerprints on the chainsaw? And I thought Michael Jackson was creepy! Good old fashioned nightmare fuel- enjoy, everybody!!

Dharma Burger!

Apparently, you 'kin do it'. Good for you! At any rate, what's a dharma burger? Well, the term originated with this website- www.theworsthorse.net - it's a fun little archive devoted to Buddhist images or references in pop culture. And I found this one all by myself! It was in a Dunkin' Donuts, where I was more concerned about picking up a couple cups of coffee and going to see my lady love than achieving enlightenment amidst the glazed donuts and iced coffee. I don't recall Zen tasting like chocolate, or coffee, but that would be cool if it does. At any rate, the website came about (I would guess) when Buddhism and Eastern philosophy became "the new black", as it were. I have to admit, I unintentionally caught the bandwagon on this one, as it's been about 12 years since I first began following the Path. It was largely incidental, though, as my approach was not in reading "the Zen of" anything- rather approaching it through first hearing a few koans in a college class I was taking. Koans are the riddles Zen teachers give their students to meditate on and answer. The answer is often less important than the process by which you arrive at it, and often appear as non seqiturs. But it was hearing one of these koans that got me thinking, and subsequently unable to forget it, and finally making sense of it and beginning to study Buddhism. Like most of us Western barbarians, I started out studying Zen, and moved on ultimately to Mahayana Buddhism, more specifically the Kadampa school, and the (sect? cult? What the heck do we call ourselves?) followers of Green Tara, Tara Drolma, Arya Tara, The Mother of Buddhas, etc. The green chick with the lotus, at any rate. (I'm sure she would appreciate the joke). But speaking of jokes, there are a whole bunch of weird dharma burgers on the website. Seems there's a lot of Buddhist references in the world! Buddhism does not evangelize, at least any and all Buddhist schools I know of do not, as Buddhism requires an individual understanding and commitment- simply having someone tell you about it may get you interested, but Buddhism relies on you, not a collective. So, choose your own path, no one can make that decision for you.

Not That Crazy!

Looking back over all these entries, it would seem to the uninitiated that I'm some kind of psychopath or something! Not really, actually I lead a pretty normal life. I have two kids, up until recently worked a fairly normal job, and am upwardly mobile. Like most people in trying economic times, I'm no longer employed, but am actively seeking out new and greater venues of work. Recently I've been engaged in filling out police applications to become an officer. Wish me luck!
Recently I got around to meeting the other guy in my girlfriend's life, her horse. Having never been that up-close and personal with a horse before, it was pretty exciting. My first impression- horses are big. Really big. After that, it seems horses are intelligent. They seem to respond to human voices, and seem to like being talked to. Perhaps they enjoy the mental stimulation? They seem like pretty social animals, at any rate. I found it interesting to consider horses in evolutionary terms- the placement of their eyes struck me- horses apparently have a wide visual field, as their eyes are on the sides of their head, allowing them to see forwards and to the sides. As they are designed for wide-open spaces, this comes in handy. Also the fact that horses run a good deal would make their eyesight useful. They have huge ribcages, no doubt housing a cardiovascular system second to none. Another thing that amazed me was the sheer muscle mass of these animals. They are clearly designed for strength and endurance, and no doubt can run long distances with relatively little fatigue. Also, though your average horse is a pretty calm animal, I wouldn't want to be on the recieving end of horse hooves!
All in all, meeting Maxx the horse, as well as his girlfriend and neighbors was a really great experience. Animals really do make our lives more interesting!

Nightmare Village

I set up a new myspace page, because I have too much time on my hands- the address, in case you weren't wondering, is www.myspace.com/ithakuahrising . A reference to the old witch who appears in the Necronomicon, but that's another story. Turns out unlike Facebook, you can pretty much just make stuff up for your name, location, etc. Case in point, I listed my hometown as Nightmare Village, CT. Pretty cool! To my knowledge, there is no such place, but who needs to know that? There is usually a Trail of Terror, however, which is one of the best haunted houses I've been to. I love Halloween, and especially haunted houses. The first one I went to terrified me out of my mind, but I kept coming back- it was a good terrified, and I loved it! My son is the same way- he loves getting scared, but is still a bit young for some things. He is also highly intelligent, and has the ability to draw distinctions between fantasy and reality. The problem is, a good haunted house operates on the principle of blurring the lines between what you know in your head to be no real danger and what your instincts tell you to be afraid of. Perhaps I'm just a thrill seeker. I'm hoping next year to get involved with a haunted house- I know the Town of East Hartford will pretty much recruit volunteers on the spot, although planning a room or space in the house will require some advance notice. Not only going to haunted houses, but being involved in them, is a blast. I love dressing up in some bizarre costume and acting out an equally bizarre part- to date, Dr. Wrench's surgical ampitheater has been a big hit! I can't find anyone to join me in the role of assistant- Nurse Ratchet (Get it? I know, it's a terrible joke). But there's always next year! Here it is just turning spring, and I'm thinking of fall already! I find that haunted houses are a good way to express yourself, and do things you would normally not do. And of course, in the end, it's all for fun. I wonder what the psychological aspects of this are? Acting out insane violence is probably just a way to blow off steam- everyone knows you would never do these things in real life. The premise of Dr. Wrench is a surgeon gone mad- simulating organ removal with a live patient is kind of gross, and perhaps a little over the top (I wouldn't do this just anywhere- it's perhaps a little extreme for younger or saner audiences), but it's good and freaky. The idea originally came to me when I heard about so-called "faith healers"- not that I doubt the power of the human mind or spirit, but these are the guys who do surgery without incisions, removing "tumors" after their hands magically pass into a patient's abdomen, dripping blood dramatically down the patient's sides and stomach. Actually, this is a fairly simple trick, and if you set everything up right, you can get a great effect! Props and sleight of hand aside, all you do is press your fingers into a person's abdomen while concealing a sponge or balloon filled with blood (or blood substitute- safety first!) in your hand. The result will appear to be your fingers passing into the abdomen, with the blood leaking out from where your fingers enter the body. Another common but slightly more involved trick is to have the top half of your patient be alive, and the bottom half concealed under the table. Living legs (use a second person) can add to the effect. This also allows you to remove larger things from the person's body, as you have more room to work and conceal stuff in the trick table. (I have seen a sandwich and car keys used to good effect in this way. This is especially fun when you really overdo it- have the patient tied down or something, (again, safety first) and use your imagination! Your audience certainly will be.
All in all, I think people like me go for stuff like that first and foremost, because we're bent in the head, and second off, because a good scare/Halloween costume/haunted house is genuinely scary, and when it's all over, we can pat ourselves on the back for having "survived" another one. And besides, real life is so dull sometimes!

Move Your Dead Bones!

Once in a while, you find something so silly that you just have to share it with others. This one, I really don't know what to make of. This weird little song appears in the DVD release (also the only release in America, as far as I know) of Beyond Reanimator, the third and by far the dumbest of the series. Fans will recognize the only person to survive all three films, Herbert West, played by Jeffrey Coombs. This video is unapologetically silly, but kudos to the blond guy for pulling it off with a straight face. And besides, why is that song so catchy? The green stuff in the syringe is, of course, a reagent capable of restoring life to dead bodies. However, (and this is one of the few physiologically accurate points in the films) brain damage leaves the reanimated bodies insane and dangerous, with limited mental functioning. And no, they can't really dance like that. Of course, bringing back the dead usually has some consequences, like fires and shit blowing up. So anyway, hope you enjoy this, if you're like me, prepare to get this song stuck in your head. Enjoy, and stay well!

The Story of the Salesman

Since I really don't have too much to add at this point, and since a blog seems either a great resource to share your thoughts with the world or a tool to stoke your own ego, (maybe both at once) I thought I would put up three poems I wrote a long time ago. I never liked being called a poet, first off because it implies that one writes professionally- while I pride myself on writing in a professional manner, I don't really make a career out of it, and besides that, I always thought of a poet as a guy who wore black all the time and has a goatee and glasses and...oh, wait, that sounds like me. But I don't take myself seriously when I write, it's just something I enjoy, and other people seem to enjoy it, too. It's not an ego trip, it's about responding to the world around you, and if someone else enjoys what I write, so much the better! I will be glad their day is a little brighter thanks to me! Here goes-

Salesman, Part 1

Born to be a god among salesmen,

working the skinny tie

Got to

drag myself back to Now

More motel rooms, moving

door to door

the world unreal in its neutrality,

endless green Dodge on

the freeways of 1950's midwest-

Nationwide he rolls, five AM

over black ribbon shining,

How far until the

next city, next gas station, the

Next Big Score? The

Space Age lurches forward

The Salesman, Part Two

She said she said don't hitch a ride

with the Monster Man, we'll

Need a new plan, but I

Needed to get to town

His skull rings like a bell from

hammer blows, the

Sun makes a pool on the bathroom floor

and his real name you don't know, still

wondering as a spider crawls across

the orange shag and cigarette burns-

Where is

the Salesman's next big score? We

wish him luck

The Salesman, Part Three

I see below me the

rose that is the city spread out

maintained from the remote control of

searing truth, I

Involuntarily breathe in the

contact high from the driving wind, and I am there-

A non-event in time marred by

lack of language perfection- returning,

going back down the hill-

back to run on all eight cylinders, I

leave behind a wisp of smoke- my wish

that you remember me

The Casket Crew

I spent last night hanging out with my lady love and her friends, and the question turned to what to do for her birthday, or rather, how a certain someone who recently turned 40 is going to get back at her. There was talk of renting a funeral home, but I don't think they let you do that unless someone is actually dead. Being 30 isn't so bad, considering everything that could have been.
It snowed like hell last night, fortunately after I got in. I would much have preferred not to have to drive anywhere, but we need to get a little more financially stable before we consider a new place. Such is life. But once again, I spent my Monday morning with my favorite hobby- filling out job applications, sending resumes, and generally looking for the employment equivalent of a needle in a haystack. Of course, as long as it pays the bills and is honest work, you can't really complain. So on goes the search! Some warm weather would be nice though!!
I had a rather strange dream last night about life, or aspects of my life. I was in the car with Tabatha, who has turned out to be my soul mate, and is unquestionably the woman I love. We were driving on a dark, rainy night in East Hartford, where I spent some time as a boy. Main St, to be exact. Those familiar with the area may know where the large police station is, (which used to be my old elementary school), and a gas station across the street. St. Rose's Church and school are at the corner, and down the road are some apartments. But anyway, if you know the town, you've probably been through there. At any rate, I was driving, the love of my life in the passenger seat beside me, and we were discussing adoption of another kid. (This may well be the case down the road- but I'm guessing we'll be living together first, and get more settled.) In addition to this, there was also a good deal of hardships we would be facing in the near future. All in all, a time that would more than likely keep us really busy. But I told her I loved her (this much is true) and would always be right by her side no matter what would come. She looked over at me with her big blue eyes (also true, she is quite capable of melting my heart with a look) and said she would always love me, as well. The two of us would get through this. I wondered about this- I know there is a good deal of work involved in a relationship, but I've always wondered- is it work when it's something you would want to do? I don't think of anything I do for the sake of this relationship to be work per se. But anything really that strenuous? Apart from worries about money and finances, which are pretty much a daily constant, I can't think of any real danger to life and limb, unless violent revolution breaks out in the near future. But anyway, all things considered, I would say that yes, I would do anything for her, and would sacrifice everything for her. But at the same time, I know she loves me, so any such sacrifice would surely not be in vain. I trust her, and am happy every day to be her man- perhaps in time perhaps her man in a more official capacity, but one thing at a time, I say.

One Flat Foot on the Devil's Wing

Well, things going well at the gym- I don't even mind the cold, lack of sunshine and gray skies! One of the funny little things about working out is that it puts you in a good mood. I was never sure if it was a release of endorphins (the natural painkiller chemical things your body gives off) or if it's just because it burns off stress and tension without hurting anyone. But the point being, it helps. Maybe everyone has their own way to blow off steam. And if not, well, find what works for you! Apart from that, the fact that I'm slowly but surely returning to former brick outhouse status only makes me want to keep going.
On other fronts, not much to report. It's still cold, still winter-ish. Things are going well with my lady love, although the poor gal is sick- caught a nasty cold, flu, something like that. But I try to do everything I can to keep her happy and healthy. I think I heard that somewhere- a definition of love is putting someone else's happiness ahead of your own. Makes sense, at least to me- she's important to me, as are the kids. Everything else is just incidental.
Life is still stuck in neutral, it seems, but proceeding well. I managed to nick myself pretty good on the back of the head while shaving (my head, not my face- I'm not that much of a spastic). Kind of a pain in the ass as well as a pain on the head- scalp cuts bleed quite a bit, and this was right on a line with my shirt collar, so I needed to do something to avoid getting blood all over my shirt. The price you pay, I guess. This is one of the perks (so to speak) about being divorced- that you get to look pretty much how you want, wear what you want, shave your head if you want to. As long as you don't hurt anyone, or yourself, you can do all this cool stuff.