The Maneaters On The Coast of Barbary

The grass ain't greener,

The wine ain't sweeter

On either side of the Hill

-Robert Hunter, Ramble On Rose

The year draws to an end- about this time six years ago, planet 136199 Eris was discovered in the farther reaches of the solar system, a far distance beyond Pluto. Apparently kind of a small planet, it has one moon and tags along on the edge of the gravitational fields of the sun. Pretty cool. But also completely irrelevant, I just happened to come across that fact and decided to share it.

At any rate, as you probably know, it's the end of another year. Time for us to remember the promise of a new spring, new growth in the midst of cold and dead earth that is winter. That might sound a little gloomy, but not at all- winter is what it is, and this, like all things, changes. Perhaps this is why people choose the new year to make resolutions about how they wish to change in the upcoming year. Seems to me that the calendar year is kind of an arbitration- wouldn't it make more sense to view the year as kind of organic, that is, beginning in the spring, through the summer, aging in the fall and finally dying during winter? Then, when spring comes again, it would be a new year, as the weather warms and plants and trees begin to grow again. True, the year is based on the time it takes the earth to revolve once around the sun, but since it's moving in more or less a circle, we could really pick any point along that curvature as a starting point.

But at any rate, the new year brings hope to many people- they say what you're doing on New Year's Eve is what you'll likely be doing for the rest of the year- well, seeing as I have two years left on my enlistment contract, in some sense that's true. Maybe this is another reason why people make resolutions for the new year. Or maybe it makes them feel better to be taking some positive actions, even if some of those resolutions don't quite make it off the ground. But then again, it's easy to be really fired up to do something at the beginning of the year, then around March that enthusiasm tends to fade. Sometimes you need to create your own enthusiasm- fake it until you make it, as a friend of mine likes to say.

For my own part, I notice having a schedule and setting aside time makes the difference between things that get done and things that don't get done. It's easy, without a sense of "I need to be at this place at this time" to put it off and delay, then finally to not get it done at all. However, when I overcome that inertia and actually sit down to do it, things generally go much better. So with this knowledge, I decided to spend a good deal more time, well, organizing time. If I know I need to be doing something or be somewhere at a certain point in time, I can generally get there. So in addition to doing the work-related things that I really don't have a lot of choice on, I can better organize my time to fit in things a little more important than the next formation.

So, here edited, updated and revised, are some of the things I plan to do in this upcoming year- might as well enjoy all the slacking off and wasting time I can today, as tomorrow it'll be time to get down:

- Get the divorce done- looks like the ex isn't doing anything on this front, which is quite all right with me. I'd like to be on the offensive on this one, force things to play out on my terms. I'll be honest, a part of me is going to enjoy watching her squirm. Not that I intend anything too mean or vindictive, but I have a pretty good grasp of her psyche (spent a good many years getting beaten down with it), and know that though everything I do will be in the interests of the kids, it'll be fun to know she's out there freaking out about it. Well, they say a man who seeks revenge should dig two graves- but will that be enough to hold anyone who gets in my way?

-This one is actually a pretty easy one- keep in good shape, and eat good food. It's actually much more cost-effective, I find, to cook my own food than to eat out. Besides, I'm not 19 any more (thank Buddha for small favors...) and need to take good care of myself, not that I'm on the verge of collapse, but still- insurance for the future. Besides, apparently the female population of Lawton and the Fort Sill gym is somewhat appreciative of the 'gun show', at least that's what I'm told. For my own part, I'm usually doing one of two things- daydreaming or paying attention to something else that requires more attention. No harm no foul, ladies.

-As previously mentioned, spend time in meditation and doing yoga, which on one level are pretty much the same basic concept. Yoga deals with focusing the clear mind on the body, whereas meditation is a somewhat general term for focusing your clear mind on something, though this can and does vary somewhat. At any rate, being a Kadampa Buddhist, I'm going to defer to the school on this one, as there are many practices and meditations to do. Or is it New Kadampa Tradition, now? Same thing, I guess, just a cooler-sounding name. This goes back to setting up designated time- perhaps that comes with being in the military, that you need schedules and designated times to do stuff. Well, whatever works. It seems easy to get caught up doing other things when you're supposed to take time to relax and tend to yourself and your mental state, your physical state, or both.

-Get cracking on learning new languages- us military folks get free access (not to download, it's an on-line format) to the Rosetta Stone programs, of which there are a surprising number. I started in on French, as I have a working knowledge of the language, and besides, it counts towards promotion. Besides, I have a sergeant in my unit from Haiti, whose first language is Hatian French, so we can usually manage not to talk past each other. Upon clearing the rust out of my French vocabulary, I have a couple others in mind- first Spanish, which should be a snap, as French and Spanish are both derivatives of Latin, and I find I can usually make out Spanish, to the occasional surprised looks of Spanish-speaking soldiers when I can't help but overhear some of the more colorful expressions and burst out laughing. Next up will be German, which no doubt will be a bit of a challenge. I'd like (maybe) to get stationed there, and a working knowledge of German would help. After that, I'd like to learn Arabic, for largely the same reasons. Besides which, spoken Arabic is actually a very beautiful language.

-Also as previously mentioned, find a way to knock a minute and a half off my 2-mile run time. I know I'll never be exactly a fast runner, but that's okay, as it's just the way I'm put together. But at any rate, I figure it would be good to get a little better time on the run, though I get a lot of slack on the Army standards for my age group.

-This last one is a little more abstract, but I'm hoping through all the others it'll kind of flow naturally; to be more up-front with myself and others, to say what's on my mind more often and never be afraid to say what needs to be said. In other words, be more self-confident and self-assured. This, at least as far as I can see, is a difficult one to actually measure. But that's okay, the results should be pretty easily visible.

Well, to all of you out there, may all the promises of this new year be fulfilled, and may this year move us forwards rather than back! And stay safe tonight, both cops and drunk drivers are likely to be out.

Play For The Song

Lately I've been searching around the Net to bring you the best of the best in terms of useless information you probably don't need- and found this funny-as-hell but disturbing little article:

http://www.cracked.com/article_18906_7-shockingly-dark-origins-lovable-childrens-characters.html

Cracked.com does seem to have the inside scoop on how righteously messed up the world (more specifically Japan) is. I liked the 'Animals That Don't Give A F*&k' article, too.

But then again, if you don't laugh during the day, you'll probably go crazy. Of course, there are lots of people who spend the day doing nothing but- they're generally hospitalized for their own safety and the safety of others. Or you can turn it into a reflection of the world around you, going the Marilyn Manson route of changing "I'm never going to get laid in this lifetime" to "If I didn't learn to laugh at myself, I'd never get laid in this lifetime". See, this blog actually is educational! In some sense.

Well, apart from that, found I actually like Siouxsie And The Banshees a lot- this came as something of a surprise to me, as the lead singer was a big fan of the Sex Pistols. I never liked the Sex Pistols, thinking them musically not all that and a bag of chips, and personally obnoxious. Punk, keep in mind, had somewhat of a noble origin- minimalist and primal, simple music that unabashedly appealed to baser instincts. All in all, this could have, I think, gone a different direction, perhaps even evolving into a more sophisticated form of expression. But no, it kind of fizzled. Never mistake lack of talent for genius, and unfortunately, this has happened. Minimalism is good in music- I'm reminded of the late great guitarist BB King, one of the people I like to think I learned bass lines from. Listening to him play, I would always notice how there was never a note out of place- never too few nor too many. Each note conveyed the idea (unlike this blog, which conveys pretty much mental chaos in 200-odd posts...) and each note fit together in a whole. This was kind of the retrospective vision I had for punk music. Actually, some artists have managed to bridge the gap, and created pretty decent punk. Though minimalism is good, if it's all you can do, you're not 'playing for the song', you just suck.

But again, how does one apply principles like this to a high form of self-expression? Music, I think, is good because it communicates something of the individual creating it, and yet at the same time we identify with it on some deeper level. Underneath the exterior, we're all composed of the same stuff.

Ditesco Maero

I met the ghost of Stephen Foster at the Hotel Paradise,

And this is what I told him as I gazed into his eyes-

'Rooms were made for carpets,

Towers made for spires

Ships were made for cannonades to fire off from inside them!'

-Jim Mathus, The Ghost of Stephen Foster

For those of you not as well-versed (read: dorky) as your humble narrator is in romantic languages, the title of this entry is Latin for 'sorrow Enriches Me'. The picture is excerpted from a pretty good read, The Club Dumas, by Arturo Perez-Reverte. It also was the basis for the movie The Ninth Gate- personally I liked the book better, but the movie was really good too. At any rate, this has always been one of my favorite illustrations from the book, and, like many of the other illustrations, has some fun little occult symbolism. The figure is a close resemblance to The Hermit, though this Hermit would have been created by Pamela Coleman-Smith quite a few years later, after the book this illustration came from was purported to be written- the book in the story, I'm not sure when the story itself was published. The Hermit holds two keys, a symbol shown earlier on the Hierophant card of the same deck, and the symbol relates back to the Bible, in which Jesus mentions to Peter how the 'keys to the kingdom' were given to him. At any rate, this is an interesting analogy, though perhaps one more avid readers of the Bible may not like. The reason being that this can be interpreted as a much more Gnostic version of Jesus, a bringer of secret wisdom to mankind, the enlightened sage bringing new learning to men, for the purpose of instruction, and ultimately making them like himself. But at any rate, that's neither here nor there at this point. There is a prominent figure of a dog in the picture, though curiously the dog is black rather than white. The Fool is accompanied by a white dog, symbolizing his intuition and clear mind- the dog acts as his good counsel and common sense- preventing him from walking over the cliff he's oblivious to, and in some cases acting as a hindrance for things the Fool wishes to accomplish.

The lantern is a symbol associated also with the Hermit, here indicating illumination, discovering with the rational and conscious mind things that were previously tucked away in the subconscious, now brought to the mind of the Hermit through self-examination.

So at any rate, I did a reading again today, kind of to touch base with myself, see which way the wind blows, all those good cliches.It was a regular old run of the mill 14-card spread, and the results are here:

The first card was The Lovers, indicating at the present a sense of unity and balance- not so much within myself, but rather finding partnership and meaning with another person. Do I need to belabor the obvious at this point in the game? Well, perhaps a little, as recently I've discovered interesting and positive things about my dear lady previously unknown- wow, that sounds overly dramatic, but that's all right, as it's a good revelation. At any rate, this is very much relevant to my current situation. Covering this was the Emperor, indicating a productive discipline and restriction over this new learning and understanding- instead of rampant and chaotic growth, the Emperor indicates stability, discipline and control- growth and development with a clear purpose, not just for the sake of growth.

The next card, The Past, was the Hierophant, indicating good advice, and turning to a source of that advice in times of need. Also tied in to my lady love, as it seems the two of us are much more deeply and inextricably connected than I had previously realized. Well, live and learn. Odd that she should appear in this of all cards, though I tend to think it reflects something greater than the both of us as well, seeming to indicate how the forces behind the universe said "look, don't be so dense, just trust yourself on this one". Pretty good advice, at any rate.

The next position was the Foundation, and here was the Ace of Wands- a pretty auspicious start to this reading, I thought. The Ace indicates creative power and potential, lots of good positive energy, though very much requiring a firm hand at the wheel, hence the Emperor.

The next card was the Near Future, and here was the 3 of Wands- also a good sign, as in some decks this card is identified as Virtue, meaning a unity of will, thought and action. Coupled with the previous cards, I definitely take this as a good sign. Again, trust yourself seems to be the message, and move forwards- don't wait, don't deliberate, operators are standing by.

The next card here was the Aspirations position- here, the King of Swords. The King represents an analytical and reasoning mind, exercising dominion and mastery through means of his skillful mind and communication; the ability to work with, to grasp and understand, instead of the raw force of power. Interesting.

The seventh position, also telling of the future, held the Knight of Cups and the 6 of Swords- the Knight tells of spiritual and emotional things, a kind of counterpoint to the clinical rationality of the King of Swords. Yet the Knight indicates less mastery, or perhaps less experience, than does the King- tending towards idealism, the Knight represents the transition towards maturity. The Six of Swords accompanying this also tells of a shift- here, of understanding and insight- a changing perspective, in other words. Things go from a word to a word, as it says in the Poetic Edda, from a deed to another deed. And with this, the Knight aspect develops and becomes wiser and more mature.

The eighth position tells of hopes and fears, and here was the 2 of Pentacles and the Page of Wands. This too tells of balance and new understanding- the Page indicates the first steps in kind of a brave new world, as shown by the typical Page, bearing the symbol of his or her suit like something precious and mysterious, almost afraid to make use of it. The Two accompanying it also points to balance- in this instance balance manifested in actions, balance in the physical world- I kind of get a sense of balance established here rather than a naturally occurring stasis, balance through conscious will rather than simply letting things happen.

The ninth position tells of hidden influences- things that come to bear but may not be readily apparent on the situation. Here was the 6 of Cups and the 9 of Wands- the Six tells also of balance, yet here looking to those things that are a source of love and support; not dwelling on the past and clinging to it, but realizing how the good memories and positive places we've been can motivate us, how remembered joy can motivate to seek out that joy in the future. The 9 tells of completion, to an extent- of having come through the fire, and now standing, maybe a bit singed here and there, but nonetheless in a position of success- no time to delay, but to press forwards to see things to a successful conclusion. The road may be long, but nonetheless, the end is not quite reached yet.

The tenth position tells of the outcome- of how, given the trend of things, it'll all turn out. Here was the Sun and the 3 of Swords. As an interesting aside, this card keeps popping up around me, and not just the one I have tattooed on my arm, either. Actually, that's why that tattoo is there. The 3 tells of sorrow, yet from sorrow and hard times we can sometimes be made strong, that much more determined to carry on in the face of adversities. The Sun is a symbol of, well, the sun- the source of energy and warmth for this earth, and ultimately the source of all energy; these two together point to the ability and will to push on, not letting those nasty little negative thoughts and doubts to sap that energy- I see this as tying back to the Emperor, that is, guiding and shaping the positive, putting it into productive channels rather than letting it just run rampant, either through no control or unwise control.

All in all, the message seems to be trust myself, don't be afraid, and most of all, don't delay. Things will happen when I set them in motion, but not before. This is an interesting thing about this line of work- people often ask, "What will the future hold?" Well, looks like the future holds what you want it to hold- what you want to do, and most importantly of all, what you actually put into action.

It reminds me of a passage I read from one Ajahn Sumedho, on the Dharma- to paraphrase, say we're sitting in a jail cell- it's dirty, cold, moldy and damp, and generally not a nice place. In walks Buddha, hands you a key, and says, there you go. This key can get you out. Now, wouldn't reason dictate, put that key in the lock, open the door and kick gravel? However, perhaps we don't put two and two together, instead saying, "Wow, what a miraculous thing! Look at this symbol, delivered from the hand of Buddha himself!" So we take this key, hang it on the wall (yes, of the very same cell...) and prostrate to it every day. Well, that may make things in the jail cell a little more endurable, but still, is this really the best way to go here? Why not put it into action, use the silly thing, and get going? Because sometimes, I find, inertia is a lot like that. A lot of times I've felt that way- sitting there looking at the key, and wondering, where's the keyhole and the door? When in reality, I may be leaning against the door scratching my head the whole time.

Paint It Black

Today would have been a day off, but somewhere along the line there was yet another snafu in the duty roster. I got stuck with staff duty at the Brigade HQ. Not that I really mind pulling duty, I can take it or leave it. It's just the way it came down to me that, to be honest, really kind of stung. I'm one of the lowest ranking members of my squad, and most times this isn't an issue. I plan on working my merry way up the promotion ladder, and taking each lesson I learn with me when I get to the next level. However, this morning the phone rings at 0850 in the morning- duty begins at 0900- technically 0830, but this is kind of a grey area, and we never begrudge a few minutes here or there. At any rate, I get 'volunteered' for duty. But the thing is this- that everyone assumes I don't have anything better to do with my time, and that I can't really do anything about it anyway because of low rank. Everyone else (who, incidentally, is a rank or more above me) has a reason why they just can't give up a day off. Whether or not these are legitimate reasons, I choose not to speculate. I'd like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, though. But nonetheless, hearing that I had to report in 20 minutes ago just didn't sit right with me. I may be a soldier, but I have feelings too, and they can be hurt.
Am I just being too sensitive? It really made me feel like crap to get called out like that, and again, I don't want to complain or be a martyr, but I always try to do a little extra at work. Maybe I shouldn't expect any rewards for that; regardless of whether I should or not, I don't. The job needs to get done, pure and simple. If everyone else wants to sit around discussing it, okay. In the meanwhile, I'll go ahead and cut through the chase and just get whatever it is done. Today I could have volunteered (as opposed to 'volunteered') for this duty, but decided not to. I kind of was hoping someone else would pick up the slack for a change. But no, the same story seems to have repeated itself. Leave it for the lower enlisted to worry about. Again, maybe I'm just being too sensitive and cranky, I don't know. For the time being, I put all those thoughts aside and get the job done. Here, however, I have internet access, hence this entry. Honestly, I don't really know what to think about this-just frustration and a touch of anger that after pulling a previous 24-hour shift this week, I get stuck with another. Which leads me to wonder, what will happen when my children are here? Can I use that as an 'excuse' to get out of duty, or will I just get ordered in anyway? Needs of the Army, and all that. It seems like the needs of the Army weigh a little bit heavier on me than anyone else. But again, at this point all I have is my own perspective on the situation, and don't want to be jumping to unfair conclusions based on not knowing the whole story.
I also wonder if this explains the lack of promotion, though that too sounds awfully cynical. It could be convenient to have a lower enlisted knocking around to stick with all the crappy details that no one else wants- and this way the leadership has someone they can stick with duty, saving them a bunch of hassles. But again, that doesn't seem fair to say, and again I'm not sure that's the case at all. Sure seems that way, though. But again, I see no conclusions from this, and probably should just stop worrying about it. I do kind of feel like I'm the bottom of the food chain, though- maybe everyone starts out there, though. Regardless, it's a useful lesson to remember when I finally do make rank in this little corner of heaven. I hate sounding like I'm complaining though. To be honest, I'm not sure where the line is between complaining and real issues that need to be addressed. But at any rate, I'll be here for a long while, and have plenty of time to figure it out. Besides, I figured out how to run the coffee machine- it's the little things that get you through the day.

The Devil's Chasing Me

So Christmas has come and gone, can't say as I miss it. On with the business of living, I guess. On the upside, I did hang out at a friend's house and play Star Wars Monopoly. Yes, we are that geeky. Actually, it's really pretty cool- to a large extent the same as regular Monopoly, except you use planetary properties- own all the properties on one planet, you then can build colonies (houses) and spaceports (hotels) and charge exorbitant rent on them. This is actually how I won, franchising out the Death Star for a series of hotels. (The Death Star and Tattooine seemed to be the two hot properties on the board, as everyone was landing on them.) Coryuscant, the HQ planet of the Empire, was equivalent to Boardwalk and Park Place, the most expensive properties on the board. Instead of an electric and water company, there was a reactor and moisture farm, and instead of railroads were various spacecraft. All in all, it was pretty cool, and lots of real estate deals were transacted, resulting in me and a friend's wife owning half of the galaxy respectively. Finally I bankrupted her when she landed on Endor, which I turned from a forest into one of the most heavily colonized planets in the galaxy. And if that sounds completely dorky, well, then you would be right. But who cares, it was a blast!

At any rate- as Tabatha, my lady love, reminded me, I have less than a week to come up with New Year's resolutions. Though the old joke goes that these resolutions don't last much past the first week, I'd like to take them seriously and make it a good time to begin self-improvement. Here is a list of what I've come up with so far-

1. Schedule my time around meditation, not the other way round; this is all too easy, but speaking only for myself, I find meditation and yoga help tremendously with the stresses of the day. And I know perfectly well, the more time I make time for it, the more it'll become a habit, and after a while it'll seem more of a burden not to do it. But a big part of this is adapting the right attitude- it's not a chore, or something you should force yourself to have to do, but rather something you should want to do, as it'll make you feel better and give you that wonderful clear perspective.

2. Keep a balanced viewpoint- neither too lenient on myself or too harsh. Set goals, determine how to achieve those goals, and then take realistic action to accomplish them, then look back and evaluate how that worked.

3. Take better care of myself- this one may sound a little odd, but actually spending a lot of the time getting huge in the gym is all well and good, but I'm thinking I need to balance it out a little more, watch what I eat, keep my space clean, (I tend to be messy on the physical plane, and keep myself mentally organized too) and generally balance all the harsh workouts with gentler ones, instead of coming home barely able to walk, merely because I can bench press my own body weight. (Not that this is a bad thing, but I'm thinking balance would help).

4. Knock off a minute and a half from my 2-mile run, if that's possible. Like I said, I'm in good shape, but the problem is a dense, heavy frame like I have just can't seem to move that fast. Well, for almost all rules there's an exception, so I'm planning on getting on that. This ties in with more balanced workouts.

5. Stop putting things off! This is a big one, probably family members are reading this and saying, about damn time! While that's a big part of it, I mean it in a broader sense, everyday life- lots of things that I don't do because I always end up delaying, finding a hundred other things that need my immediate attention. So again, set goals and with this, some concrete means to judge whether that goal was accomplished or not.

Not that any of these sound that easy, but then again, few things worth doing are easy. So hope you all had a great Christmas, and (yes, once again) didn't drink any Tenafly Viper! May your new year be one of hope and promise, and pickles. Pickles are good.

Distracted At Christmas

Here it is Christmas morning, and I got to sleep late, which is always a good Christmas present. Apart from that, hope you're out there enjoying whatever it is you're doing, I know my lady love is out working, my family is probably kicking back in Connecticut, which is good. I wonder if it snowed up there? No snow here yet, but plenty of cold and wind! Comes with the territory, I guess. Wherever, whoever and whenever you are, have a good Christmas! Let there be much positive vibrations, good will towards mankind, and all that good stuff!

I just had to post this picture, (thank yous to Matt O. for this one) it really pushes the envelope on weird shit. Obama's face cracks me up for some reason. And unfortunately, this seems to be the case. Replace The Zombie Apocalypse with BP, and you've got pretty much the same thing... Whoops, was that all cynical and stuff? Well, someone was bound to say it. Luckily I have heavy firepower within running distance, so when (or if, you pessimistic people, you) the zombie apocalypse does come down, I'm planning on stopping by the armory, retrofit my big old chunky HEMTT, swing by the ammo depot and save some people from the barracks or something, or just go raid the corner store and get some Twinkies. Actually, I'd prefer SnoBalls myself, maybe with a pot of coffee. I'm guessing hot coffee would be a little more difficult to obtain though.

At any rate, I'm working on New Year's resolutions, and will post those when the list is complete. And the reason for that being, because that will put them firmly in the public domain, thus making me kind of obligated to follow through on them, and not just conveniently forget them. I figure the New Year is as good as a time as any to start self-improvement. Apart from that, the sun is out today- I take this as a good sign. Merry Christmas, Happy Yule, Happy Hannukah (sorry if that's not the correct spelling, you know what I mean), Happy Kwanzaa, but most of all, be well, be safe and know joy in everything. That's my wish for everyone this Christmas, and I hope it's a good one! So avoid ingesting any Tenafly Viper, have a good day, and also importantly, drive safely! Auto accidents probably kill more people than Tenafly Viper, but waiting on the statistics on this one. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Christmas Eve, Shirley MacLaine and Caesar Salad

That pretty much sums up my previous 24 hours. I read a book by Shirley MacLaine called Going Within. It was pretty interesting, though by way of gentle criticism I'd say this somewhat points to the problem with the New Age movement- not that they're 'evil', or corrupting youth, or anything like that. Rather, they tend to be a bit naive. This is, for many people, new territory, and they tend to latch on to any authority figure and believe anything they say. Again, this is not a criticism, just human nature. As a Tarot reader, I've seen this happen to my own self- people seem to think I've got a direct line to the divine (hey that rhymed). I feel obligated to point out, no more or less than anyone else, just I've spent a good deal of time and effort studying these things. And as a result, I can help out other people, and life is good. But Ms. MacLaine makes some good points, and you can kind of boil them down to a kind of core of philosophy:

-Balance is important; keep yourself balanced in all areas of life, and you'll see improvements. This isn't a passive process, rather, one must actively seek out and understand themselves and the world within and around them.

-Chakras are important. Chakras are the Hindu (I think) word for wheel, and refer to centers or pools of the energy that flows through the body. What this energy is is kind of speculated upon- my guess would be a combination of electrochemical, electro-neural, radiation and light. Understanding the way energy flows through the body seems to be helpful. (Yes, living things do light up, it's called bioluminescense, though human and most animal eyes can't detect these frequencies of light).

- To a large extent, perspective determines experience. We can look at something as a major pain in the ass, or as a learning experience. There's also a good deal of a call to internalize these things- why is this thing in my life? What lessons am I supposed to learn from it?

- Love is a governing principle of the universe, but not as most people understand it. It's not kind of warm-fuzzy love, rather a driving, powerful force that not only governs the universe but guides and rules the order of the universe. Sometimes stern and fearsome, we can rest assured that things are there to teach us, and make us better people, for lack of a better term. Think of it as an antidote to chaos and disharmony.

- Each person fits into this greater whole; thus each person has a kind of life-path to follow. This is their personal journey, and though not always pleasant, at least seemingly so, this path ultimately serves this greater order of the universe.

This is kind of an in-a-nutshell summation, but looking at the various aspects of New Age philosophy covered in this book, they seem to all hold these common threads. So as a result of this, one thing I found curious was a sense of self...importance? Ability? I'm not sure of the exact word here. It's not exactly being filled with a sense of how awesome I am, not at all. Rather, it's kind of a recognition that I have abilities, perspectives and talents other people don't. By the same token, other people can do things I can't do, so what's the sum total of this? That I should use those talents. I used to kind of feel like it was egotistical of me to think that I could really make a difference, help people and change the world. Then I realized, it's actually more egotistical and self- centered not to use those talents! It's kind of saying, I know better than anyone else, and I'm really not that special. (Well, honestly I'm really not that special, but you know what I mean). It kind of seems like there's some sense here of purpose, though to be honest, I don't fully grasp it. Well, no one ever said things are always obvious, and sometimes we have to dig for meaning.
Apart from that, the shift went well, keeping an eye on the barracks for 24 hours, apart from the 1 or 2 hours I was sleeping. I was called Sergeant on three separate occasions, which was kind of funny. One because the sergeant who had the shift with me had left his jacket with rank on it on one side of the desk, so people coming up to me seated at the desk assumed it was mine. Not yet, and my last name isn't likely to change anytime soon. Rank, well, that's another story. So go out there, whatever holiday you celebrate, and however you celebrate it, and enjoy! Remember to hang onto the good in your life, and the things that are worth saving in your world- the unimportant things have a tendency to pass away, the important things are those that stick around.

There's A Light

Please enjoy today's random picture, discovered when I was looking for a quick reference on the Five of Swords- this ones seems also, oddly enough, to capture the card's essential meaning. Besides, I love artsy stuff like that.
Today was another day in Lawton, sometimes good, sometimes bad, most times just in between. I'm realizing what a large and unfortunate role politics plays in the Army. It's easy to get 'overlooked', or to have openings disappear when you're not someone's lapdog. Now, granted, that's a rather extreme and blunt way of putting it, and also granted, things aren't quite as bad as that statement would make them seem, but this is an unfortunate trend at Ft. Sill. I can't really put the blame on any particular person (and wouldn't identify them by name if I could), as it seems to be a post-wide phenomenon. And here I thought that when I joined the service, I'd leave office politics behind. I don't doubt the competent are promoted, and the screwups disposed of, but I can't help but feel to some extent I'm being taken advantage of at work. Not that I would do the opposite, which is just screw off and do nothing all day, as there are things that need to be done, people that need to be trained, and someone needs to make that happen. The unit is, unfortunately, a great big bureacracy, wherein person A doesn't know what person B told person C, who then backbriefed A with the incorrect information that B was supposed to have been updated about by person D, and so on. But then again, we all know to a fair extent this comes with the territory- as we 88Ms say, deal with it and drive on. But there are a hundred and one little things that tend to add up to a great many big things as time goes on. Nonetheless, that's not entirely the issue at hand.
It seems that openings, bonuses and a shot at leadership are drying up in the Army. This is a little puzzling, as I'd figure it's kind of a domino effect. Let's say Staff Sergeant 1 retires- now a position is open, and Sergeant A is promotable. So then he becomes the new Staff Sergeant 1, and the Specialist under him now becomes Sergeant A. The PFC under him now moves into the Specialist position, and the PV2 under him becomes a PFC. Though this may sound somewhat like the Mad Hatter's tea party, it actually works fairly well. However, this system isn't always kept in place as well as we'd like. People either don't get promoted, or get bumped down in rank, (only because they were doing something they weren't supposed to be doing- it's actually fairly difficult to lose rank, you really have to go out of your way to foul it up).

But the point here is that either the Army has its priorities somewhat backward, or there's some favoritism going on, or bureacratic inertia. I say this first because as I mentioned before, the Army has a finite number of openings (believe it or not). When these openings are full, no more recruitment. Rumor has it that there's actually quite a waiting list for new recruits nowadays. Interesting! At any rate, these new recruits are not going to be wandering like privates in the woods- they're going to need NCOs, that is non-commissioned officers. Corporals, Sergeants and above, in other words. Sergeants are seemingly in short supply at Fort Sill, and I for one would like to see a little more weight on the front of my uniform. I would say in my job responsibilities, but in many ways I already do an NCO's job, just without the prestige and pay. Hey, a Sergeant looks pretty prestigious from where I sit! So I could complain about the Army only taking the easiest route as far as getting the maximum amount of work out of us, but really, I can't complain. I would, however, be jumping for joy if a little more recognition came my way. I'm thinking when I finally do get that first promotion, (officially, at any rate), things will open up. Generally they don't let people of my rank into the NCO academy, but I've been making a pain of myself asking if I can. For every rule in the Army, there are waivers, exceptions and loopholes. But I keep hearing, soon, soon- you'll be up for promotion really soon. Well, that's good to know. In case it wasn't obvious, my job as a soldier is a source of great pride for me, and to be promoted would make me even prouder, and once and for all drive home the idea that I actually do know what the hell I'm doing every day. The problem is not that I have people offering contradictory information, much to the contrary in fact. Everyone says that in many ways I'm the go-to guy; if you need it done, go talk to Chipman. Need a kidney donated? Go talk to Chipman. Got a hazardous, grueling mission no sane person would take? Well, you get the idea. And I really think that's the best policy for military service, as well as life.
What will the future hold? I for one don't know. But writing all this down has, oddly enough, given me hope for the future, and the will to press on. I've done some pretty amazing things in my life, as well as some pretty amazingly stupid things- I'm thinking it's time to tip that balance more and more.
Well, enjoy the cold/rain/snow/sunshine/whatever weather you have, and have a great holiday! And yes, the days are getting longer! This is a good thing, I think. Missing that sunlight, and you know, ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

Meanwhile, Back At The Ranch...

Today was yet another exciting day in Oklahoma, actually a good deal colder than previous- but then again, this is the weather in OK- one day a t shirt, the next a parka. At any rate, the week is proceeding well, glad to hear that my kids are doing good! Max continues to be smart as a whip (whatever that means), and Emma is her chatty, bright self. So good to know all is more or less well there.
In other news, the internal debate continues over whether to reenlist or not. For the first time in life I find myself siding with Republicans, and not just because of their thoughts on government spending. The Democrats want to cut spending in the government. This is not really a bad thing, I think. Let's find ways to do things more efficiently and at lower cost- that's a good way to run a government, I think. However, the typical Democrat record is to start with the military. I'm not exactly an impartial observer here, but it seems to me that there are a few other areas that could use a few cutbacks. Useless people up on the Hill who do little else except take up space comes to mind, but that wouldn't be nice. However, it is true that military spending could use a few changes, and there are areas that we could certainly cut back on- less waste, more durable gear, things of that nature. Unfortunately, the philosophy on military spending is why buy one when you can get 10 for ten times as much? Cutting out a good deal of this overhead, as well as some of the less functional DOD contractors, would probably produce a surplus well into the next decade.
But herein lies the problem- the Dems don't think like that. (Neither do the Republicans, it seems). Instead of attacking the overhead, they start attacking new enlistments, and trying to get people discharged from the Army. So the rule is, keep the huge bloated contracts that we really don't need anyway, make a huge stink about DADT, and then try to screw people out of a job. American capitalism at work, guys- I don't understand it either. However, reenlistment bonuses are drying up, it's getting more and more difficult to enlist, let alone reenlist, and so it goes that the Army is suddenly not as stable a job. However, I still have a couple years left on my contract, and it seems highly unlikely that those of us in now will be discharged prior to our term being up, barring something like a medical discharge, disability or something of that nature.
However, the reason that so many people are trying to get into the military (combine this with the previous, and it's a recipe for disaster) is the complete and utter lack of jobs in the civilian sector. Let's face it, the stimulus plans and big-business bailouts have accomplished two things- jack and shit. And jack left town. I hate to criticize the President (actually am not allowed to either), but come on! Where was that ray of hope when he took office? Seems like it's been one comedy of errors after another, and the people are left holding the bag.
I suppose I could go on and on about how sweeping reform is needed in Washington, and that would be a song I don't doubt we've all heard before. At this point, if I can reenlist (if the politicians don't manage to completely snafu this one up) I'll request a duty station a little closer to New England, as that's where my family is. Apart from that, otherwise I'll be pursuing a civilian career in truck driving- stick to what you know, I guess. Besides which, I hear there will always be freight to move, as long as people need to eat, fuel vehicles, and all that kind of stuff. So there will always be work for the willing- maybe not great work, but work nonetheless.
But back to the Republicans and Democrats. From here it seems to be both of these parties have gotten so farcical, it's like a New Yorker cartoon come to life. The problem is, these monkeys have the power. And that's what really scares me.

The Town Revisited

I always liked that picture, never been quite sure why. It's from the Art Nouveau Tarot, just decided to throw that out there for all you lucky devils. At any rate, I happened to be in the video store doing a little Christmas shopping, and what did I find? A DVD of the web series that got this whole thing started! You see, the title of this little slice of heaven, is admittedly, not an original, but as it's not used for business or profit, I guess it's okay. Watch where the madness all began, and what inspired this blog at Atom Films- http://www.atom.com/channel/channel_town_called_panic/

It's nice to see it remains as creatively weird as ever- bringing low-budget to a whole new level, it's strange enough to even compete with Axe Cop as coolest, most non-linear dose of surreality out there. (Of course, that is apart from this blog...)

But this got me thinking, where was I when I first had the idea to start this blog? 200-odd posts later, tons of youtube videos, general weird shit and some hard times, I'm still going strong. So here's a question for you- where were you 10 years ago? When I think back at all that's gone on over the last 10 years of my life, I can see a few things I would have done differently. Perhaps most noticeably, what I have going on now- a Plan, a means to an end, a definite goal in mind. And, of course, wouldn't have spent all that time downing Dubra (apparently Russian for dredged the outhouse) vodka, but hey, regrets are to learn from. At any rate, 10 years ago would put me at the ripe old age of 22, wherein I was still at home, getting married to my now-ex wife, and not a care in the world. Or a plan of how to get there. I was hoping to enter the priesthood (a dream which has not changed, though has become clearer in terms of how and what I wished to accomplish in this sense). But it would be a few years down the road that I meet the love of my life, Tabatha, and subsequently join the Army. A crazy, mixed-up life, to be sure. But would I trade it for the world? More than likely not, every screw up has been a lesson, and every step has put a little more iron in my soul and a little more steel in my spine. It is what it is, as the saying goes. I don't want to dwell on the past- the secret is find a balance between the two- take the lessons, take the good and the bad, and from there develop a comprehensive idea of where I'm going. But here, in more or less random order, are some of the things I've done or not done that I'm proud of

-Never worn a Christmas sweater, one of those goofy red hats, or anything expressing holiday sentiments. Don't get me wrong, I just think it's tacky.

-Never owned a singing fish- while I have owned fish, I have no memory of them singing. Perhaps because they were underwater

-Gotten my life more or less straightened out, though I'm no longer the young man I once was

-Done 75 pushups at a stretch (and still can)

-Driven across the country, then subsequently halfway across the country

- Eaten the worm, and lived to tell the tale (see previous...)

-Made life easier for more than one person

-Fought for a dream against impossible odds

- Rappelled down from a height greater than 50 feet

-Learned to shoot, fight and blow stuff up, along with the discretion to know I'm not likely to have to do any of these things in everyday life.

-Never been identified as a 'cat person'.

-Overcome a fear of heights (I still don't like them, though)

-learned to cook

- Found the one true love of my life, that is, apart from family and kids- well, you know what I mean

-survived the toughest (and most effective) basic training the Army has to offer, apart from Ranger school, (and still hoping at a shot at that)

-And perhaps in a most general sense, made the world a little bit better than when I got here.

But in retrospect, I guess it's been a good decade. Perhaps in 20 years I'll look back and say that was a good career, and here's hoping for a good retirement. Perhaps, or perhaps I'll be wandering out of the Nevada desert, tattered clothes on my back, beard and hair grown wild, and bring a great revelation to mankind. Nah, that last doesn't seem likely. I would like to see Nevada again, though. The desert is really a sight to see.

Well, I hope looking back your own life gives you inspiration, both the good and the bad. This world is, after all, what you make of it. Let your light shine before all men, as it says in some book or another.

Looking forward to the new year, and hoping all of you out there reading this have a year filled with hope, promise, and most of all, joy. Each day is a gift, use accordingly. Okay, enough greeting card sentiment. Go outside and enjoy the cold, or something! But do it with an open mind, and see the world as it truly is!

It's Such A Grand Creation

All my friends are skeletons
Who beat the rhythm with their bones
-Chris Cornell, Spoonman

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
-Hillary Scott, Need You Now

Today was a much needed day off, meaning I did what I usually do, which is write this blog, and drink coffee. Not usually at the same time, though. I was thinking I should get down to the gym today, too. But laundry awaits. Next week may actually be short days, as most everyone is going on leave for Christmas. Why didn't I, everyone asks? Well, it's no ideological reasons, I can say that with certainty. However, there are some things here in Oklahoma that will allow me to get a jump on a lot of things that I'll need to do, not the least of which is keeping up working out, as the winter is an easy time to get out of the habit. Besides, it keeps the winter blues nicely at bay. I'm very much subject, I've found, to sunlight. The more sunny the day is, the better I feel- the (probably) technical term for this is Seasonal Affective Disorder, though some more cynical persons might simply deem it "you're nuts". Well, that may or may not be accurate, but there is some little neurochemical that sunlight promotes, and seeing as medication relieves depression in me, I'm sensing a correlation here. But at any rate, I know overcast days tend to get me down, so it becomes a matter of simply getting out there, burning some calories, and doing physical things to get my energy back up.
Apart from that, most of the Army, or at least most of Ft. Sill, is on leave. This is a good thing, and I hope everyone has a great time wherever they're going! It's important to recharge one's batteries once in a while. I'm hoping to do the same here, though honestly being alone on Christmas doesn't bother me. I'm not truly alone, at any rate, as much as that may sound like a greeting card. I know where to find the people I care about, and do hope they know where to find me, apart from this blog, that is. It's kind of a one-way conversation, and though somewhat formless, it's a good way to unload a lot of mental baggage here and there.
If there's one thing that I'd like to see on my tombstone, or memorial, (planning on donating anything still functional, then cremate the rest) it would be this- This too shall pass. However things may seem, remember that the only constant is change. And avoiding the Tenafly Viper, that's always a good idea too. Have a good holiday, everyone, whatever and however you celebrate it!

El Lector, Live At the Theatre of Death

Here it is Thursday, spent most of the day crawling around under trucks, grease gun in hand. It was a good day, all things considered. I've recently been awarded for outstanding service by my battalion commander, which was very cool. I also got to go to the gym this morning instead of standing outside freezing my ass off during PT- also pretty cool, and got in a pretty good upper body workout. I sometimes wonder if this explains why I can't run very fast- am I just too darn heavy? But that doesn't make any sense, and it's probably just anemia- I used to get dizzy climbing flights of stairs when I was younger, and this was solved easily by iron pills. So perhaps I'll give that a try, though the cold makes running outside a little less than desirable. Well, there's always treadmills.
At any rate, in other news, the week drags on. Tonight is the unit Christmas party, though I for one decided to forgo celebrating Christmas per se this year- it's a good time to look back on the year, hang out with the people you love, and all that good stuff. However, seems like you're supposed to be in the 'Christmas spirit' this time of year. I never really got that- what's the difference between December and any other time of year? I try to be nice to people and do all that good stuff all year long, not just at Christmas. But at any rate, I hope that doesn't bring anyone down- go out, do what you do, and have tons of fun! The world needs love more than anything else, I think, as lame as that sounds.
I was watching a DVD of an Alice Cooper concert the other day, titled Theatre of Death- it's a recent concert over in London, and was really an impressive one. Cooper has not lost anything of the famous stage presence and over-the-top dramatics he made a name for himself with. But more than that, it got me thinking- damn, that's what I want to do when I grow up! The band's lineup at that point (still is, as far as I know) included Chuck Garric on bass, and while I'd put my own humble self on a par with him as far as virtuosity goes, he just looks so darn cool doing what he does! This is a big part of music, I've found. Then of course is the infamous (and strangely attractive) Tiffany Lowe, who aids a great deal in the 'deaths' onstage, and generally looks like she stepped out of a kickass Halloween party.
At any rate, it happens that Alice Cooper has a long-standing love of stage performance and vaudeville, and this really shows through, I think. Sure, he comes across as more than a little deranged, but pulls it off so well! Kind of the bright side of rock-stardom, I guess. As a longtime listener to his radio show as well, I can tell you he seems like a pretty intelligent and down-to-earth person, always with something nice to say about the people he's encountered. But long story short, watching that DVD put me in mind of how easy it is to kind of half-ass your way through life, just be gray and in the background, never really stepping up. As time goes on, I've found it's much more fun to be that kind of rock star; doing strange stuff, being in the forefront of one's own life- not always being in the center of attention, but rather being the best, most creative, and most of all most fearless you you can be. Never compromise, in other words. Some things are worth meeting people halfway- who you are isn't one of them. So I'll leave with one parting piece of advice- let the one thing you miss out on in life be regrets. And Alice Cooper is still one of the coolest performers I've ever seen!

Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy

I managed to stumble across an album by a band called Mindless Self Indulgence- I'd recommend it, if you're into that kind of thing. Billed as "industrial metal", whatever that is, they sound more like a cross between The New York Dolls and The Cure, with a dose of Slayer thrown in for good measure. Always good to expand your horizons, I figure. I'm glad to see, as a longtime fan of heavy metal, that there's still hope for the genre. The 80's, I think, were in many ways a heyday of big hair and bigger guitar tracks, and from there we went into the 90's, and the doomed-from-the-start 'grunge' bands. Noble origins, stemming from punk, that had been around a good deal longer, but far too easily commercialized, I thought. And remember, as Peter Steele (of Type O Negative) once noted, never mistake lack of talent for genius. Besides, the album art cracked me up the first time I saw it.

And now for something completely different. I unearthed a Tarot spread I haven't used or remembered that I knew how to do in quite a while, and it got me thinking. It's called a Hecate spread, after the pagan goddess of the same name. Here we have reflected the three stages of women, in a general sense- maiden, mother and crone. First, the maiden represents potential, not simply of motherhood, but of learning and developing; the mother represents both a sustaining force, and also a teacher- someone a little more well-versed in the world, but still growing and finding new life experiences, and finally the crone. Crone often has a negative context in the modern day, meaning an old woman. This is true, though the meaning here is the female equivalent to sage- a wise old man, and both terms imply someone to be respected and listened to, someone who has been there, done that and lived to tell the tale. From this, it seems we should listen to the experiences and wisdom of this person, who has been in a situation similar to what we may find ourselves in, and can offer advice and counsel.
So though this has only a tangent to the reading and spread, it made me wonder- is there a male equivalent to these stages of life? Keep in mind these are largely symbolic stages, one does not need biological children to be in the mother stage. There probably is a male equivalent, though perhaps a little bit different; men are a bit different than women, though a rough approximation would be apprentice, father and sage. Although both for men and women, this would be only one possible way of looking at the course of our lives, and things are rarely if ever so simple. There are a number of archetypes, that is, universally recognized symbols, both in the world around us and within ourselves- relationships, roles we play and aspects of ourselves.
Well, today is Sunday, staring down the barrel of another week, although this should be a quiet one, Hope all the Christmas shopping goes well, and during this strange time more than ever, stay sane inside insanity,

Inner Sanctums, And Where You Find Them

I got a radical place
Got my own private space
It's my sanctuary
It's the castle of doom
I'm the king of my room
Just a Quasimodo
Let the world blow away
This is where I'll stay
-Alice Cooper, Sanctuary

Well, I'm back here in Oklahoma, hopefully still moving forwards. The time I spent in Connecticut was good for heart and soul, and apart from that, I got to see my family! Very exciting stuff. It put a lot of things into perspective, and provided a good deal of motivation for the change that needs to come.
Apart from that, I finally got around to answering emails for the newly founded Deep 13 Tarot Services, at this point remaining a one-man operation, but still, I'm hoping to get a little networking going, as I'm noticing people often fall into two categories- those who ask for help, and those who don't. Regardless of whether or not asking for help is a good idea or not, people tend towards one or the other. Very well, I say. No one, certainly, should think the less of someone who asks questions! Some people think they have answers, for all I know they already do! Well, for the rest of us, I'm glad to hopefully provide some answers. Sometimes I too lack self confidence. (GASP! YOU?? No way!) Yes, believe it or not, your friend and narrator occasionally doubts himself. Like today, when I was answering a couple emails. The answer I gained from the cards was trust yourself! Don't sweat all those doubts you may be having- rather, let your own mind and wisdom find the right way for you. Not that this was an easy answer, and I didn't expect it to be. And while you're at it, invent a cure for cancer, a source of cheap renewable energy, and solve world hunger! Nonetheless, if this person can find that strength to face life's challenges, they'll do all right.
Perhaps that's also the case for me- I know I'm no slouch, and know I have a knack for the Tarot. That doesn't make me some kind of guru or anything, merely that I have the ability to help others, in however small a way, and hopefully the world will be a better place for that. Besides, it's good practice, or perhaps it's rather good experience. Whatever comes next, at least I'll go down fighting, or on to victory.
But things are never as bad as perhaps they sound from that. Actually, it's going okay- sure, I don't drive a Mercedes, and don't wear Armani suits, but that's okay. Not all wealth is measured in dollars and cents, and many if not the most important things in life aren't actually things.
Apart from that, I'm thinking next vacation I (hopefully we) take will be to Las Vegas. I'm not much of a gambler, true, but I hear it's a sight to see. Besides, I get a weird vibe from Las Vegas. If I was a little less scrupulous, I could even toss a couple decks of Tarot cards in my luggage and get people to pay me to tell them exactly what they want to hear. Anyone remember the dark days of 900-number psychics? Good grief, if there was one force of destruction for serious students of these things, that would have to be it. To an extent, you do rely on what the person tells you- however, the main goal is not getting them to pay you, nor should it ever be. The main goal is uncovering truth, and providing insight to people who come to you asking for it. It's actually not difficult to do the whole psychic-for-pay scam. Asking either open-ended or pointed questions results in the person providing you more information than they realize. Then, throw a couple predictions in, repeat back what they just told you, either by body language, appearance, voice or flat out said, and they'll wonder at your incredible psychic prowess. Yes, that is dripping with contempt, and I can tell you as a serious student of divination (not a term I get to use very much), more often than not a good reader is surprised at what he uncovers from his subjects. Personally, I always try to adopt a policy of honesty, tempered with kindness. I've had situations where a subject needed a good kick in the ass to get them moving- of course, I didn't phrase it like that, instead encouraging them to go for it, that they were quite capable of realizing what they wanted! Sometimes it's just that simple- and who hasn't needed a nudge in the right direction now and again?
But apart from that, this is something I've realized recently- let joy and human kindness be your guides in whatever you do. Look on the world not as a scary place, but one of limitless potential. Things can come together for all of us, if only we let them. And if you figure that out, well, call the patent office and retire a rich and happy person.

Kickin' The Stall

It's amazing what you can find on the Internet these days- the song is by one of my favorites, none other than the great Dino Lee; B-movie afficionados may recognize the song as the one the band is playing at the end of Blood Diner- and hopefully those of you who have better things to do and a shred of sanity left will also enjoy the song. More often than not, I listen to Dino Lee while at the gym. I find this is a good song to be listening to while cranking out curls or bench presses.

In other world news, things are pretty much as they always are. Connecticut remains the same, and so does Oklahoma. I get the occasional text message here while on leave, and the more things change, the more they stay the same. I continue to be the same humble and charmingly handsome person I always was, and still am working towards those stripes. What then? Well, who knows? The future, as I've said (and been reminded of), is not yet written. There's not too much to add at this point, seems like the same stuff, different day. In some ways, I'm looking forwards to resuming my duties, in some ways not. Lately I've found myself full of a nervous energy, wondering what comes next. Am I lost in the mix, riding the current but not really accomplishing anything? The question is what it always has been-overcome inertia, move forwards, and hope for the best. I'm kind of reminded of The Magician in the Tarot, the tools spread before him- but where is his mentor and wise teacher? I could use a little wisdom now and then, but I guess it's where you find it.

I'm going to have a rough time going back to Oklahoma, missing all this good cooking the women in my life are making. The food I cook, as well as that the mess hall makes, is really not that bad- but as I'm sure anyone can attest to, there's no substitute for good home cooking. I guess the secret ingredient is love- hope that makes me a decent cook too!

Well, on a final note, the footage in the above video is from a greatly underappreciated movie, one Bubba Ho-Tep. Great movie, weird title. The plot is pretty much what the title suggests, except stranger. Worth a look if you haven't seen it, anyway. Well, steer clear of the Tenafly Viper, and hopefully the future will hold more interesting news!

Whatever Happened To...

Herbie Hancock? Apparently now we know. This is weird enough to be... well, I was going to say good, but I don't know as I'd go that far. Kind of post-Impressionistic, I guess. But what does this have to do witt the price of tea in New Jersey? Not much, actually. Still writing from Connecticut, where I'll soon enough be departing back to the fair (and even colder than here) state of Oklahoma, feeling very spiritually revived, and full of the good cooking of my lady friend and my parents. Seems the problem with leave is that there's never enough time to do all the unimportant stuff you want.

Turns out Max, my son, needs glasses! Well, that runs in the family, I guess. Personally, I'm leaning towards laser surgery, just for the sake of convenience. I told him (truthfully) that many girls dig guys with glasses, and especially smart guys like him. (Actually, I used to have a major crush on a college professor of mine who had a PhD- that wasn't the only reason I liked her, but brains certainly didn't hurt). At any rate, one could say that Darwin comes into play here- the strongest, most intelligent are the most likely to pass on their genetic material, and all that. Rather, I find that intelligent people have a more positive outlook in life, though intelligence is a very difficult thing to measure. There are things I can't do that other people can, and things I can do that very few other people are able to do. Where does this put us in terms of intelligence?As far as the Army is concerned, pretty high- I scored outstanding on the ASVAB service exam, meaning a lot of jobs were open to me. This was right before the economy really started to tank, and the military was still eager to get new soldiers. Now, things have changed. Standards for enlistment are going up, as are reenlistment standards, and the Army is approaching its quota for the maximum amount of troops it will require. They say coming out of the military means a huge advantage in the job market, but that strikes me a little bit as being the richest man in the cemetery- great, but what good does that do?

So if you're planning on joining the Army, now's a good time to do it. The benefits are still there, which is the main factor as to why a lot of people join. I know that was my initial reasoning, but now found I like it. I'm hoping I don't need any special command referrals to reenlist, and that I can leave Fort Sill and head back up north. My family is here, perhaps because it's easier than relocating. The kids are with the ex, most of the time. This made sense, as there was a possibility of me deploying, so this would save a few trips to JAG to review and revamp custody and all that good stuff. However, now is the time for action, and so I'm going to do what I've been saying for a long time- close this chapter on my life. I got to spend a good deal of time with the kids yesterday, and am amazed at them all over again. I worry about them, like any father. They're in good hands, though. And they're growing up to be great people, I don't doubt that for a second. I was struck by the fact that they both have my eyes, and Max is very much his father's son. Emma is much like her mother,and though she's still little, she's going to break a lot of hearts when she grows up. I'll start cleaning the shotgun now...

Actually, I'm more proud of the both of them than I have words for, and they're both wonderful, smart kids who no doubt will go on to great things. Max drew a picture of one of my heroes, Alice Cooper. I'll post it here as soon as I get the email through, (saved a picture to my phone), and will pass it along to the man himself. Well, that's about all the news that's fit to print from here, and as my own dad always says, write if you get work and hang by your thumbs.

Back to The 80's

Ah yes, the 1980s, golden age of VHS home video. I remember it as if it occurred in my lifetime- the old video stores, spending a Friday evening searching for The Movie. Recently I have discovered The Movie in the form of Poultrygeist, from the Troma team, purveyors of the amazingly cult Toxic Avenger series. I recently stumbled across a website detailing the 30 greatest VHS cover art from this historic decade- http://www.comicsalliance.com/2010/11/22/the-30-most-amazingly-terrible-vhs-boxes-of-all-time/ Click, see and be happy.
In a completely unrelated vein, I'm back here in the great state of CT, where it's slightly colder than Oklahoma, with a lot less convenience stores. It's good to be home, with Tabatha, the love of my life. I'm going to be sad to go back to Oklahoma, and not only because Tabatha is a great cook. So far I've got divorce paperwork for this state, and am slowly but surely moving forwards. Apart from that, it's business as usual. Connecticut seems to have remained more or less the same, which is good. People are the same anywhere, I think. The gas prices and rent change, however. Connecticut is not cheap to live in! Apart from that, I'm continuing my epic struggle to get Tabatha back to Oklahoma with a wedding ring on her finger. (and yes, I was hoping to be the one that put it there). Deep 13 Tarot is not yet growing by leaps and bounds, but it's coming together, especially seeing as I know next to nothing about either running a business or setting up a website. Well, from humble beginnings, small humble endeavors grow. And that about sums it up, Christmas is almost upon us, though I'm kind of hoping all the holiday cheer kind of passes me by this year. Not that I mind Christmas, don't get me wrong, I think it's great to be spending time with your family. I could do with a little more sunshine and less gray skies, though. Christmas comes in December, as you all know, and derives from the old Yule festival.
Yule is the pagan (Pagan? Not sure of the proper term here) holiday of the winter solstice, and celebrates the promise of spring in the dark of winter; how the green plants and sun have not gone forever, and how we know they'll come again, as the cycle of the seasons continues. Still, I'm just as human as the next man, and subject to this loss of sunlight. The gloom gets to me, to be perfectly honest. Many people get depressed during the Christmas season, myself among them. So this has become something I keep in mind during the season- the hope that spring comes again, the hope that the sun has not gone, and that soon it will shine again. Everything comes around, in other words.
This forms an interesting contradiction, I find. First, there's the realization that everything that needs to happen will happen. Yet at the same time, doesn't it make more sense to make every effort to bring around the ends that we want, rather than wait for the slow yet inevitable wheel of fate to turn? There are, of course, ways to bring about your own ends- the idea that for every action there exists a reaction can work for us or against us. I'm beginning to think that this sign should be hanging over my door- Don't Screw This Up. But what this really boils down to is this- exercise caution, move wisely, and hope for the best. More often than not, that hope is realized.

Disco Inferno

The latest from Landover Baptist, one of the more with-it Christian churches in our modern world-
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1002/bookburning.html


Now, this would be funny if it weren't actually true. Not, perhaps, to the extent that these guys claim to do it, but I'm afraid this is the case. Not to be ragging on Christians (okay, maybe a little...) but that Bible verse is in reality used to justify the destruction of books of a 'pagan' or 'ungodly' nature. How do I know this? Because I once sat in a church and heard the priest use this exact verse to justify burning books, Tarot cards and things of a "heathen" (lacking a better term) origin in his backyard. I was shocked- burn books? What insanity was this? I was waiting for him to say, "Ha! Gotcha!" Unfortunately that moment never came- and I never returned to that church again, nor to any other. In a lot of ways, it was the nail in the coffin for me. Again, not that I have any particular beef with the church as a whole, as I doubt this book-burning goes really that extensively, but it was still a shock.
To me, destroying a book is a greater blasphemy than anything that book could contain. The written word is a way of preserving knowledge, or at least information and stories, from one generation to the next. I can crack a book and find the recorded wisdom of people gone by, people who crumbled to dust centuries before I ever drew breath. Is every written word necessarily true or accurate? Of course not, but why, when a book exists that has incorrect information, take a step backwards by not reading it? Do we discount Hippocrates and the humours in the body because medical science has rendered them obsolete? Well, while Hippocrates may not be exactly modern medicine, I think it's still useful to retain his writings as an example of scientific method, if nothing else. He based his conclusions on what he observed, and from this we can extrapolate why he drew the conclusions he did, and in so doing hopefully advance our own understanding a bit more. So again, because the church deems a book 'bad', it's to be consigned to oblivion? Well, the upside is, ideas have a funny way of continuing to pop up, despite the best efforts of those who would eradicate them. Free thought is one of our greatest gifts- don't throw it away for anyone, nor would a true thinker dare ask you to do so.
Well, thanks for reading my latest rant, stay well everyone!

The Best Revenge

Here's where we keep the armies
Here's where we write their names
Here's where our money got us
Here's our famous hall of shame
Here's where we starve the hungry
Here's where we cheat the poor
Here's where we beat the children
Here's where we pay the whores


Right here we stoned the prophets
Built idols out of mud
Right here we fed the lions
Christian flesh and Christian blood
-Alice Cooper, Brutal Planet

They say success is the best revenge, but you know what they say about a man who goes out for revenge- he better dig two graves, one for his enemy, the other for himself. Good thing I managed success without the revenge. The time is coming to close a door on one chapter of my life once and for all- when I get back to Connecticut, I plan on filing for divorce in the state of my residence, that is, Connecticut. As it turns out, my ex contested my last petition in the Oklahoma court on the grounds of no jurisdiction- that is, though I meet the legal requirements for an Oklahoma residency, for all legal purposes my residency remains in Connecticut. Actually, the Army agrees with this, as my address of record is still officially Connecticut. This was a minor setback, although also a learning experience. According to the courts, I have no more legal ability to file in Oklahoma than I do in, say Rhode Island. Neither state court has any legal jurisdiction, only Connecticut. I'm learning divorce is not as complicated as it may seem, although I trust the ex half as far as I can throw her.
Despite this, and as odd as it may seem, I bear her no ill will. I'm not interested in revenge, and I doubt she is either. It didn't work out for us, and I begin to see, never could. There was once a time when I would have taken her back, and would have gotten down on my knees to beg her to take me back. Now I see this was a mistake, and I see how now I need to cut ties with her once and for all. We're at least civil, and that's about as far as it's going to go. Through no fault of her own, she represents a time in my life when I was a slave to alcohol- not a proud chapter in my life. I'm not going through any 12-step program, I just decided hell with it, the cost is not worth the reward. My ex was a very demanding person, this I do fault her on. Yet I myself didn't know who I was. I guess it took a while, but the lesson finally sank in- that which can run should not crawl. Curiously enough, it goes back to a definition of compassion I once discussed with a friend. Compassion, you see, is not pity. Pity is for a lesser being, like a wounded animal. This creature we feel pity for is not our equal. Compassion is what we feel when we see that which can run crawling. Do we not want to reach down, haul this person to their feet, and say, what are you doing? Why debase yourself when you can stand beside me and my brothers and sisters as an equal? It's a recognition and exaltation of the human condition in all its best elements. Unfortunately, I chose to embrace the worst of my human condition. I crawled when I should have walked, and this motivated me to change. I became both proud and humble- proud of all that I've done, and all that I can do, yet humble enough to be a servant to others.
But enough dwelling on the past- the past is not the present, and the future is not yet written. So all this talk, what of action? That's easy- I plan to make this as easy or as difficult as need be. I plan to hire an attorney there who will represent me in absentia, as I'll more than likely be in Oklahoma. With no common property, the only issue is custody of the children. This is where it gets a bit sticky. I realize by publishing this on the Internet, it could come back to haunt me, as it'll never truly go away. Well, that's all right. I'm planning on trying for partial custody of the kids, mainly for the sake of convenience. I know full well what it says on paper and what happens in real life are often two different things, and accept this fact. Partial custody differs from visitation rights, too. This too is convenient. Actually, we have a great place here in Oklahoma for the kids to hang out, and plenty of new people to meet on post. No doubt they would fit right in with the crazy family we call the Army. As visitation is separate from custody, really it's just a matter of paperwork, yet paperwork is what makes the world go round. I'd like to put them on military insurance, again for the sake of convenience- why pay when you don't have to? My insurance is little to no cost to me, so I figured extending that to the kids would be a good plan. They are covered by the ex's insurance, which she pays for. See my logic here? If I can help her out, why not? No doubt she has a hundred reasons why not, but I trust reason will prevail. Apart from that, partial custody allows me to continue to live off post, as I'll still be pulling a housing allowance. Again, I'm trying to make this a win-win situation, though I doubt the ex will see it that way. Regardless, I'm looking out for my own interests too.
Then there's Tabatha, the force that got me this far. How else can I describe her? It was her who taught me to trust in myself, and as time went on I began to see what she meant, that I could accomplish not only what needed to be done to correct my life and get back on the path I needed to be on, but more too. So the result? I'm a success by any standard, and having a pretty good time doing it. So though I'll be back in Connecticut for a short while, home, after all, is where the heart is.

Black Sunday

It's Black Friday, the day when retail workers have to get up early to go to work, and retailers attempt to net a healthy profit. Capitalism in action, I guess. Personally, I spent my Friday morning sleeping late and not really caring one way or the other. I'm pretty sure the wheels of industry will turn without me today. But at any rate, enjoying the long weekend, especially since at the end of it, more or less, I go on leave. I'm beginning to think I get more done on days off than on the days I go into work.
Thanksgiving was good, spent it down here in Oklahoma, and apart from that I'm not sure what Christmas holds, I may end up pulling duty, apart from that I don't have any major plans yet apart from staying out of trouble. The word is that a lot of things are changing in my unit, which really is for the better, I think. There's even talk of an upcoming deployment, but then again, put rumors in one hand and BS in the other and see which one fills up first, as they say. But Monday is the last day I have to report in before catching a flight at some ungodly hour in the morning from Oklahoma City. Hopefully the old Ford will survive this trip as well, as I need to replace one of the front bushings before too long. Pretty soon that car will be more replacement parts than anything else, assuming it's not already. Well, it's got four wheels, it's paid for and it runs. At some point I'll have to replace it, as it goes the way of all cars, so I'm thinking of paying a visit to a person I met a while ago, who sells, among other vehicles, decomissioned police cruisers. Though they have no warranty, they no doubt have been well-maintained by their respective forces. And besides, they look like exactly what they are- decomissioned police cruisers. I'll look into local laws (as well as funding for such an inane project) as to what you can and can't put on your vehicles. Unfortunately, Halloween is quite a distance away, and I'm not sure how my soon-to-be bride would feel about going to the corner store in the Baron Samedi mobile. Or how my superiors in the good old US Army would feel about that. Well, it would be cool as hell in October, though.
In many ways, yes, I've never grown up. I still have the same juvenile daydreams I always did, but as time goes on, I know full well how that has to be tempered by common sense. True, there's a place for the weird, surreal ideas I have, but at the same time, unfortunately reality occasionally gets in the way. Well, such is the price we pay, having to work for a living, and other injustices. But in all seriousness, working hard is not one of the things I would change in my life. Without that, and the lessons it provides, where would we be?

When The Sun Don't Shine

Time is an amazing invention; it is a human concept and an illusion. There is no time, only the illusion of time passing. The sun rises and sets, creating day and night. We are born, age and die. Clocks measure seconds, minutes and hours. Calendars measure days, weeks, months and years. These are the many ways we see time pass. Our memories link us to the past events that have happened. We think we live in the present, and there is a future ahead of us.
-Angelo Nasias, Divination, Tarot and the Bible

Well, I'd be remiss if I didn't say a few words about an old friend, whose full name I recently learned. I just called him Billy, not knowing he was apparently Sir William Robert, although I also knew him as Billy Bob. This was Tabatha's dog, a red and white Australian shepherd, with a high degree of intelligence and an obsession with tennis balls. Being a shepherd, he was occasionally a hyperactive goof, but also a loyal friend to Tabatha, and, since we are family in everything but name, me too. He grew very sick and passed on, but we still remember him. He was the consumnate cool dog, very good and much loved, and very expressive. Of course, dogs don't talk, at least not in words. Billy could express a great deal, as some dogs do, and was the first member of Tabatha's family I met, curiously enough on our first date. He gave me the once-over, decided I was okay, and that was that. Tabatha says dogs are a good judge of people, perhaps she's right. Billy and I were thick as thieves after that, and his passing left a mark on me as well as our family. Tabatha has since adopted two other dogs, Eris, who is, according to her, (Tabatha, not Eris) 'my' dog, and Hercules, who is a big friendly mountain of dog, perhaps a little short on sense, but then again, he makes up for it in other areas. Eris is a good girl, reminiscent in some ways of Billy- smart, and devoted to her family. I hear there may be puppies on the way, a fact that Tabatha is less than thrilled ab0ut, but then again, hard not to love your kids. Ultimately, every witch needs a familiar, ha ha. I'm not a witch, but then again, where would we all be without the animals in our lives, both those we eat and those we don't? Much like dressing up for Halloween, it's something I'll never outgrow, no matter how old and responsible I get.

Tell Me All That You Know

Give me your secrets
Bring me a sign
Give me a reason
To walk the fire
See another dawn
Through your daughter's eyes
You give me a reason
To walk the fire
-Robert Duncan

The above is the theme song for a newer season of the TV show The Unit- dealing with the (fictional) Delta Force, the black-ops guys we all hear about but never see. True, there are black ops, primarily handled by the Special Forces- I've had the privelege of knowing a couple SF guys, and they're pretty hardcore. What they do, I don't ask, and they don't tell, ha ha. At any rate, it's a cool show. So it would seem I too have plenty of reasons to 'walk the fire'- now if I could only get out there and get a little piece of the action! Being stateside is all well and good, but I'm not going to lie, it's all about the promotion and money. Well, that and defending the country, all that noble stuff. I didn't sign on to be a mercenary, I signed on to be a soldier. It's not always easy to keep up one's idealism, but you do what you can. I'd like to think in some small way I've made a difference. It's always odd (and this still happens) when some stranger comes up to you and thanks you for your service to the country. I do appreciate it, to all you people who have said that to me, and really, every single time it makes me proud that I wear 'U. S. Army' over my heart. But you civilians pay my salary, and keep me up and running, so on behalf of the Army, thank you guys, we need you just as much as you need us.
In other world news, still counting the days until I get back to Connecticut, however short a time it may be. There's always the next day, the next stepping stone. And in time, I know it'll all come together. One of the things I've realized, perhaps never believed till now, is that I run this show. What happens, or does not happen, depends on me. Not on the fall of the cards, or the position of the stars, but on my own actions. Actions bring results, for better or worse, and thoughts become actions. Much like Plato, I put mind uber alles- that is, mind and will are the factors that first determine what actions will be- then actions determine consequences, for good or worse. It's just a question of having one mind about what you want to do, and the analytical ability to put that design into a plan, and the willpower to follow through and make it happen, as well as the resources to make that vision a reality. Interestingly enough, this corresponds to the four elements, and their respective areas of influence- first is thought- air, the intellect. The next is emotional commitment, the desire to 'make this happen', to win and succeed- water. Next is the drive and passion, the energy and stick-to-it-iveness- fire. Finally, the material concerns, perhaps even the body that acts in the material world to make things happen- earth. I could belabor the point that this is reflected in the Tarot, but that's pretty much been done to death at this point- nothing you don't know already, I'm going to guess. I'm beginning to see the Tarot as a means to an end, a raft, as Buddha would say. And where does this raft go? I'm hoping to a deeper understanding of the human condition. Really, if God didn't want us to travel, why did s/he leave us a map, and all these clues? Well, as always, steer clear of the Tenafly Viper, and I've got to go do laundry at Deep 13.

Friday Night at Deep 13

Seems we've managed to get ourselves more or less settled at the new apartment, christened Deep 13 for some unknowable reason. At any rate, it needs a little artwork here and there, so I'm going to try and get cracking on that. I hate blank walls, reminds me of a mental hospital.
At any rate, I'm sure my artistic abilities (limited at any rate) are a little rusty, but I'll see what I can do. Last night was the usual Friday, hanging out with not much going on, so we watched some movies- seems like it was comic-book-to-film night, as first up was Kick Ass, based on the comic book. (Sounds kind of like my life, based on the comic book). It was a little on the violent and warped side, but very good. The title character is one dorky high schooler who decides to throw on a costume and go fight crime, resulting in a couple major beatings. Evidently there's more to being a superhero than putting on a costume. He meets up with a father-daughter duo of asassins who do the same thing, only better. It was a pretty good movie, all things considered. There are, as we probably all know, a good many real-life costumed vigilantes, but nowhere near the sheer firepower of these two. At any rate, it's worth a look, as the movie doesn't sugar-coat what could happen should you choose to throw on a costume and go forth and whoop ass. Or jump off a building, but you'll have to watch the movie for that.
Next up was Jonah Hex, named after the comic series of the same name. Hex is expertly played by Josh Brolin, and having read one or two of the comics, I'd say if Hex were a real person, that's what he'd sound, act and look like. Taking place shortly after the Civil War, it tells the story of a former Confederate soldier turned bounty hunter by the name of Jonah Hex, whose scarred left cheek is a result first of a run-in with his archenemy and later an attempt to remove said archenemy's initials from his face- he was branded with them, then used another makeshift brand to remove them. The sources of Hex's 'unnatural' powers are never fully explained, though he posesses a mediumship of sorts, with the ability to bring back the dead briefly as long as he maintains physical contact with them, and uses this ability to extract information from them. Crow Indians brought Hex back from the dead, or the edge of death, and with this a knowledge of the afterlife, and a following of crows, also never abundantly explained. A kind of film-noir western, it's worth a look, full of cool gunfights, blood and gore and bizarre weaponry.
Speaking of comic books, there's a new contender in the paper and ink market, Axe Cop. It's a bizarre little number about one axe-wielding police(?)man and his fire-breathing Tyrannosaurus steed, as well as a wild and varied cast of sidekicks, villains and general oddities. The storylines for Axe Cop come from the creatively weird imagination of the artist's five-year old brother, yet oddly enough hangs together quite well! Those of us with kids will wonder, why didn't we think of that first? Axe Cop charges around with an axe, his weapon of choice, (I guess the dinosaur's machine-gun arms are considered secondary weaponry) and disposes of various and sundry monsters. You can read most of the episodes online at www.axecop.com, and read the thrilling story of how Axe Cop came to be. Not bad for a five-year old! It's actually a pretty coherent narrative, and worth a few laughs. So at any rate, enjoy the surreal life around us, as sometimes the real world is stranger than fiction.

First Encounters

Just had to pass this one along! Wish I could find a tie like that...
At any rate, I did something I never thought I would do- read Aleister Crowley. The now-deceased 20th century occultist was, history relates, creepy and personally repellent, but does seem to have known his occult studies inside and out. I encountered the Crowley-Thoth tarot deck, renowned for its symbolism. Overall, not a deck for beginners, but the symbolism of the deck is really rather brilliant. The Major Arcana have a few changes from those most readers would be used to- as a for example, the Judgement card is replaced by Aeon, and Temperance is replaced by Art. However, the complex symbols on each card bear examination, and can actually convey the multiple levels of meaning in each card. The deck goes the route of some of the older Tarot decks, where number cards are simply a stylized representation of the number and suit. However, the cards bear a simple one-word explanation of each, which could be limiting, but actually sheds light on the meaning of each card, being more than anything else a direction to point you in in interpreting the card. As a for example, the Six of Swords is labeled simply as "Science", and this trend of abstract terms both defines and allows freedom of interpretation in the cards. While the cards seem strange and esoteric, they do fit together, and this would make a good companion deck for someone familiar with traditional Tarot decks.