Revenge of the Phoenix, Part 4- The Black Hole

Our mythology is very rich and dark. There is a hope, however, from within. Although it appears that many of us are giving away our personal power, at the same time, we are going through such an amazing shift that it's hard to believe.

-Christopher Penczak, City Magick

I WORK FOR THE BLACK HOLE, WHERE ALL NATURAL LAWS ARE INVALID

-William Burroughs, The Western Lands

Well we know where we're goin'

But we don't know where we've been

And we know what we're knowin'

But we can't say what we've seen

And we're not little children

And we know what we want

And the future is certain

Give us time to work it out

-Jerry Harrison, Road to Nowhere

I'm coming off yet another 24-hour shift, which is really nothing new around here. It was surprisingly quiet, apart from the usual 'office' drama- I hear, and don't give a wet slap. On the plus side, I did get in a good deal of sleep, (4 hours) and finished out the shift on a high note. I managed to read two books I had been meaning to finish, the first being The Witch's Daughter, by Paula Brackston, highly recommended if you can find it, and The Western Lands by William Burroughs. This latter written in Burroughs' typically bizarre narrative style, with the occasional what-the-hell-just-happened moment. I agree with Burroughs- centipedes are irrevocably icky and creepy. Well, I suppose they have just as much right to be here as I do, though I'd prefer they do it somewhere other than in my general vicinity. Shotguns, please note, are not the recommended weapon against centipedes- this is a work of fiction, keep in mind.

In other news, I talked to my (very definite) better half, who emailed me about what has been going on and in my head lately. It seems I've been spending a good deal of time going between emotional, frustrated states and calming down and thinking about things. Tabatha pointed out that, (and I quote) "...your best interests are already in place in the design of things. Although the future is never cast in stone, and always is changing, there are certain things that will be. No matter what."

This tells me I should listen to the women in my life more often, they seem to know much more than us knuckle-dragging men give them credit for. But actually, Tabatha has a great more intuition and knowledge than she realizes- she has said in the past how she doesn't have my 'gift'- but honestly, in terms of mental and psychic horsepower, she's a Detroit Diesel, I'm a V8. Much as I don't like calling myself psychic- that implies some unique ability about me; rather what I do is the result of conditioning and study- just getting your brain to work in different ways than it would 9 t0 5. But that's not really bearing on the price of beans in China, as my roommate likes to say. The point being, that she's right. I think the root of my frustration comes from not knowing what comes next- my own readings do little to help in this regard- mostly it's "wait, the next step will become clear to you at the right time". Apart from that, things are going well, say the cards. Mental clarity (...) and interpersonal issues are going well- things fit together, like gears in a machine, well-oiled and moving towards some purpose. For the longest time I began to feel like things did indeed fit together, that parts interacted and meshed (the ability to see this, actually, is the basis for most of what I can do, as well as the basis of the way I look at the world), but to what purpose? Surely every machine has a function? Does it just sit there, mesh gears and look cool, to no real purpose other than the consumption of energy? Perhaps not, though its purpose may not be clear. It's true that we don't need to know about every last piece of machinery under the hood to drive the car, but I kind of felt the opposite- I understand the thing works, but what is it supposed to do?

But Tabatha, who knows what I'm missing in this analysis, knows full well that it's not a random useless effort- there are indeed all manner of purposes, designs and outcomes in this great metaphysical machine we find ourselves in the midst of- the fact that I can't readily discern what those ends are in my own life (other people are a cinch) does not mean that those ends are nonexistent. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence, after all. And I can imagine Tabatha's answer to that would be, well, maybe you're not looking right! No doubt very much true. Well, that's about all I have to add at this point, hoping that this solar barque can withstand the rough waters ahead. Wherever that road to nowhere goes, I'll go there free and with both eyes open.

A Few Words Before Duty

It's Saturday morning, not really much to add, but that never stopped me before. I have desk duty at the barracks, which I really don't mind too much, as it's a Saturday, and if you call me up drunk as a skunk, I will go pick you up, and ensure you get yourself home- just don't want you puking in my car, if you get my drift. Apart from that, barracks duty usually involves sit at the desk, chew the fat with whomever happens to be walking by at the time, and answer the phone once in a while, usually towards the beginning of the shift, as that's when everyone gets settled in. Today I'm pulling duty with a friend of mine who reminds me for all the world of Rorschach from Watchmen, both in physical appearance and weird mannerisms, although I'm pretty sure I've never seen him in a mask and fedora, or that cool pinstripe suit. They never explained where he got the grappling gun from, though!

So I'm looking forward to settling in and getting some reading done- there's an author I've been reading a good deal of lately that I'd recommend, Elizabeth Peters- her main female heroine is kind of a cross between Agatha Christie, Hercule Poirot and Indiana Jones, set in Victorian era-Egypt, where she is one of a family of Egyptologists of various specialties. All in all, a very interesting portrayal of both Egypt, and Victorian Europe- and a really good read, too. I've always wanted to go to Egypt! Maybe when I retire.
The picture above is yet another Tarot card, this one taken from a newer deck, though I'm not sure of the name, or if it's even published at this point. It reminds me of an old woodcut by one Nicholas Flammarion, something about an alchemist- the alchemist finds a rent in the fabric of the universe, or the veil that is said to fall over our understanding, and peeks through to see the celestial spheres in their motions. Though this is certainly not limited to the Death card of the Tarot, this seems to be a recurring theme in my own life. At this point, my decision not to reenlist remains unchanged, though neither is it set in stone. It may be that there is no position open for me- the hand of fate, one might say. Very well then. Yet throughout all of this,all the frustration and anger and disappointment, that sense of pulling aside the veil is present. My readings have improved a thousand percent, yet I no longer strictly adhere to the cards- not that I just make stuff up, rather I see the suggestions contained in each card- how this meaning applies to this particular point, and so on. The cards themselves are like ideograms, if that's the right word- each pictorial representation carries a general sense or message- that message can be interpreted in a number of ways.

This is somewhat tangential to the point I was making though. There's a good deal at work here, and a good deal I don't understand. I'm not the center of my own life, I'm just kind of here- a force to be reckoned with, don't get me wrong, but nonetheless, there is a greater purpose and design. I try to align my own interests, or perhaps rather try to understand how my own best interests are already aligned with this design, and press on. Thus, nothing happens without a reason- be that reason karma, or some greater, perhaps even esoteric design. It's odd to think, and odd to find myself a player in this confusing and complex little dramatis personae, yet as Walter Cronkite liked to point out, that's just the way it is. I hope I'm not repeating myself needlessly, that is, going over the same old ground again and again. I've noticed people with strong Air affiliations tend to occasionally get caught up in their own minds, sometimes losing touch with the world around them temporarily. Well, it takes all kinds, on the other hand.

Breakin' Stuff

But FYI, I have beat wholesale ass for a whole lot less than that.

-Woody Harrelson, Zombieland

The car proceeds well, and I'm looking forward to a nice quiet shift tomorrow on the barracks desk. I have a whole stack of library books, a pot of coffee and a relatively nice chair to park it in. I'll have to put up more pictures of the car as it progresses- I've done the roof and hood in black, and the last work I did was on the door panel, whatever the section is called just above the window. Kind of a pain, actually. I did it in red, no real reason, I just thought it looks cool- and it does. Other people who have similar cars, or for that matter the same one, or had the same, note that when these cars were produced, the paint technology had not yet advanced to the point of actually staying on the car. Besides, it's starting to look a lot cooler now anyway, and besides, doing it keeps me busy. I'd like to put up a new ceiling too, but that's kind of on a back burner at this point. Keep the infernal thing running and free of rust first, then worry about the lesser cosmetic details. Sure, I could have just had it detailed, but it wouldn't have been as much fun. It's been a long week, to be sure, culminating in a pt test I stressed about all week, all the more so because I had to put in 10 and 11-hour days all week, with no chance to work out.

And today was rather an adventure. I rolled in around 0900, same as always, helped out around the motor pool, nothing new there, and then had to take a supply run. The gargantuan pallets we had to move needed to be strapped down for the 1/8 mile trip back to the motor pool and the storage area- the result was that I got a new nickname, Spider Monkey, as I was the only person fool enough to go up there and secure the straps. Perhaps we should have set them up before we loaded them- well, hindsight and all that. However, some wit decided to take a trailer and truck rather than just two trucks- the trailer for a PLS (palletized loading system), similar to my own truck, is about the same size as the truck- good idea, bitch to turn. Our motor pool is not exactly PLS-friendly, so we had to do quite a bit of maneuvering to get the thing into place. Or try to, anyway... Herein lies the problem- soldiers are the only thing in the Army not produced by the lowest bidder, and the trailer hitch was no exception. It's a hook and eye type of coupling, with a round ring on the trailer's drawbar (the thing that connects to the front axle, really not unlike a Radio Flyer wagon in structure and design) and the truck has a big locking hook mechanism that holds the ring and tows the trailer. So there we were, moving the truck this way and that, when we hear a tremendous bang. Oh shit, we think, what now? Tire blowout? Air brake line failure? No- the eye on the drawbar snapped clean off- this is a trailer capable of carrying well over 5000 pounds, at least in theory. Well, the upside to this is that the trailer can stay the hell where it lies and we can deal with it on Monday. I don't doubt the trailer's capability to tow 5 large, or the truck's ability to haul it. Just the thing probably last saw action against the Spartans, so there is the question of metal fatigue. Apart from that, the good news is that we got the fool thing unloaded before it decided to go under on us. But we got the trucks unloaded, straps secured, and I managed not to fall off the dizzying heights I had to climb to secure the loads- I would guess maybe 20 feet at the highest. So all in all, a good day. Will this illuminate the seriously flawed design of parking something the length of three Buicks at a slant, with a building on one side and no room to maneuver? I doubt it. Remember, these are senior military personnel we're dealing with here. This setup was designed to look nice, not to be practical. These trucks are capable of running anything you can think of anywhere you can imagine- are they really supposed to look nice? Well, as I've stated previously, what do I know, I'm just a little old grunt. Perhaps in time, not even that. I'm still giving serious thought to going into long-haul trucking when my contract is up. I can live with that. The one thing I can't live with is the thought that hope is but an illusion designed to keep our own mortality at bay- without hope, we are truly destitute, I think. Well, wherever you are, don't drink the Tenafly Viper- or Mad Dog for that matter, though there are some who like it. Randomness- out.

For Whom The Bell Tolls

Yeah, the devil

ride a dinosaur

He paint the monster red

so the blood don't stain the floor

-Rob Zombie, Never Gonna Stop

After much deliberation, I've decided not to reenlist. Not that I'm pissed off at the Army, (more like I'm fed up with my battalion, but that's another story) but rather it's just getting a little too hard to fight the government to try and do your job. "We need to cut spending"- the cry goes up on Capital Hill. (Or is it Capitol Hill? I think the latter there, so excuse my misspelling). Actually, now that I look back on it, that was kind of a funny yet completely unintentional pun. But I digress. The Army is looking to cut out jobs- apparently one of the drawbacks of a Democrat in the White House is a limit to what under the previous administration was a bottomless treasury as far as the military was concerned. Sure, most of it went to contractor/cronies, but us grunts got a piece of the pie too in terms of profitable employment, as well as the US's quagmire-building efforts in the Middle East. Hey, good work if you can get it, I suppose.

Well, cynicism aside, it's now cut back soldiers. I've even heard that the 2-4th Artillery is on the chopping block! Well, I can't count on six hands the number of cost-ineffective measures that Fort Sill employs, so this actually makes a fair degree of sense. Close the unnecessary posts, though I hope against hope the long and fascinating history of Fort Sill is preserved, along with the Artillery Museum. Fort Sill was the first place the MLRS systems were tested, and the first post to deploy MLRS units in combat, with devastating results. The MLRS is a Multiple Launch Rocket System, basically a big track vehicle with a targeting computer in the cockpit, allowing for a very large rocket (or rockets) to be fired over a very long distance, blowing stuff up most gratuitously. Though I'll be the first to admit, these things are terrible implements of war and destruction, they do look cool on test fires. The best weapon is one you never have to fire, after all. But at any rate, there is a great deal of history there, and actually if Fort Sill is closed, it will effectively destroy Lawton- there is a Goodyear plant there, but I doubt this alone will provide sufficient income and opportunities to support the town. Sad, but true.

Also sad but true is the fact that any optimism and human-kindness I once felt is being systematically squeezed out of me by the daily stresses of this job. This is no longer Fort Benning, where I was proud to march across the parade grounds, proud to stand up and be counted as a soldier. Then again, what I am forced to do on a daily basis is no work for a soldier. Thus, it's one of two things for me- reclass, that is, change my job in the Army, probably winding up back at Fort Benning as infantry (could be worse, believe me), or go civilian, trying my hand in the outside world. I hate to lose all the benefits of the Army, but I know ultimately if it means dealing with another 696th all over again, it'll hustle me into an early grave, and will make me a bitter person. Besides, in all seriousness, I think I can do better. I'd like to run my own business, which seems to be the only way I can do things the way I know full well they should be done.

So at any rate, I've decided I can't waste 20 years of my life doing this- I could spend 20 years of my life running around in the woods, running around in Afghanistan, blowing stuff up, training people to blow stuff up, and all the positives about the Army, but I just can't take the staggering level of bureacracy that is the Army. No one should have to fight to do what they're good at.

Often I wonder what factors the town plays in this. Lawton seems to be a nexus of negative energy, though to what extent this is created by the people here is unknown to me. I know it does create a kind of gravitational well, much like a planet. (This is why stuff orbits a planet- because of gravity). Thus, like draws like. However, if this is the case, on an individual level it should be possible to counteract this- that is, be positive yourself, and positivity will find you. Be proactive rather than reactive, is another way to put this. Food for thought, anyway. But I do know my future does not lie at Fort Sill. This instills a deep sadness in me, but the fates must have something else in mind for me. As Walter Cronkite would say, "That's just the way it is".

Women On Broomsticks, And The Type Of Story I Hope To Tell

I'm taking five from divesting my car of its paint and making a baked potato to take note of one of the cooler blogs I've encountered- written by one pagan gal, she runs her site off of the madness that is Blogger- http://broomhandle.blogspot.com . Nice to know there's someone equally as cynical and hopeful as me out there. So Albiana, if you happen to read this, way to go, keep up the good work! And don't lose hope, sinking down into the madness that is our modern world. I stumbled across this blog via witchvox's website, where she posted an article. Good stuff- I never would have guessed that you could use a broomstick, a long skirt (I guess in my case a long robe) and rollerblades to glide around the block- that definitely puts you in my cool book.
Apart from that, I managed to make some progress on the car, though granted, not as much as I'd like. I got paint taken off the roof of the car, and now need to re-prime and repaint it. I ran out of daylight and comparatively warm temperatures to do this in, though. Oklahoma winters are not conducive to anything, least of all car repair. However, the power sander turned out to be a very good investment, allowing for a good deal more ease and efficiency in removing paint. I never liked white anyway- kind of dull, and reminds me of snow and cold. I hate cold, although snow is actually very pretty. Give me a hot dry summer and a water trailer any day, and I'm happy as a bird.
Well, anyway, the potato is hopefully done, as I'm getting hungry. Apart from that, I'm looking at another long week, with lots to do and less time to do it in, the problem of course being that there are too few hours in the day to waste as much time as I apparently need to for the requirements of the unit, while productive work seems to take a back burner.

Sunday The Temperature Dropped

Nothing much on tap for today, which is a good thing. I have a couple books in the endless series of stuff I read to return to the library, and am thinking of biting the bullet and investing in a power sander so I can spare my hands from the long involved task of hand-sanding the car. However, I'm pretty happy with what I've managed to accomplish so far- I think the hood came out very well for spray paint! Things go along fairly well, though the temperature remains a concern. I got lucky yesterday with passable temperatures, but would like to find a garage to do this in, seeing as doing it piece by piece means I'll be in the garage for a couple hours here and there, and will allow the work to go a lot faster.

Well, apart from that, there's not much to report here. As usual, I'm planning to go hit the gym, which is always relaxing, and useful, as I have a PT test this Friday. I'm less than worried, seeing as I was pushing the speed for four miles on the treadmill yesterday. Tabatha kept texting me, wondering where I was, but of course texting and running strikes me as a bad idea, mainly because it's a little too much coordination, beyond my limited resources in this department. So pretty much the same old song, with a different day to sing it on. Tomorrow I have to be in to work at 0600 for yet more funeral detail practice. This is both an honor and a pain in the ass, as I have here a chance to honor a brother or sister for their service, yet leave it to the powers that be to muck it up by giving us nowhere near enough time to practice. Like pretty much everything in the Army my team needs to certify, to make sure we can do what we need to do for a funeral. Simplicity itself, though a little more time to work on this would be good. In the Army you spend a good deal of time moving as part of a team- this is true for both drill and ceremony and for tactical applications. This sense of knowing what the other people on your team are doing does not come overnight. By the end of basic, my squad was just about finishing each other's sentences, and we could clear a room, take an objective and secure a perimeter without blinking an eye. But again, this took time, guys. This fact evidently hasn't sunk in with the brass yet. I hate to say it (and could probably get in trouble for it, but what the hell, brutal honesty, right?), but somewhere on this post is some Mel Brooks-ish scenario. I'm thinking of the scene in Blazing Saddles, where everyone is standing around the office, and mel Brooks announces "We've got to protect our phoney-baloney jobs, gentlemen!" In other words, making a lot of noise to look like you're doing something and in reality just pushing paper, instead of addressing the real issue. And this seems to be consistently the case with the Army. The problem is not that there is too much spending- rather, that the spending is completely nonsensical!

On a hopeful note, President Obama was on the news yesterday to announce an opening of trade with China, which is somewhat good, in an attempt to restore something of a trade balance between our respective countries. Good plan, I thought. But is this the problem? Honestly, I've never been sure. Do people live beyond their means? Credit seems to be the new magic word, if you've got it, bully for you, if you don't you can't even walk out your front door, it seems. I perhaps am on the naive side here- I don't give a wet slap about credit, or my credit rating, because I'm trying not to live beyond my means. Cable TV and internet are nice, and in fact allow me to communicate this message to the world at large, but are not essential. My library card is. The ability to hike in the woods is. The ability to cook food for myself and others is important. Though I'm nowhere near that idealistic, I'm afraid. One needs to spend money in this modern world, for gas, for transportation, for food, clothes, and all that stuff. I could just go live in the woods and be self-sustaining, but at the same time, is that worth sacrificing that deep and meaningful human contact we all enjoy at some point or another? To me, no. I'd rather put up with the economic inanities of this 'Brave New World' than follow some idealistic dream. (By the way, 10 literati points if you get that reference). We humans need each other, though we may tend to lose sight of that. People are naturally social animals, I've found. This does sometimes become a little confused, as sometimes the interactions people have exist solely for the purpose of ego gratification, though in ideal circumstances we find a wonderfully enlightening give and take. At any rate, looks like I've gotten way off topic here. My original question was, why is money so tight in the world, and especially in this country? Surely we are capable of producing enough of anything we could require, and huge amounts of extra. So where does it all go? Actually, this isn't a rhetorical question, where does it go? Got me, for all I know in my limited understanding (not being sarcastic, I don't have clue 1 here) it goes into a spaceship and gets shipped off to Mars, to support the population of angry red women thereon. But all I can think from this is, why is it that I can think of a better way of existence, yet this existence does not happen? Perhaps I'm missing something here- there must be some hidden logic that eludes me at the moment. Well, I'll keep you posted, world that hangs on my every word (Okay that was sarcastic), but seriously, if I can figure it out, I'll be sure to share it with everyone else.

Project Car Continues

And so we've made it to stage 1, tune up the engine and get the car primed- actually just the hood so far- mostly because I didn't really want to be up until the wee hours stripping the rest of the body. But this is awaiting a coat or two of high-gloss Rustoleum, and the engine is purring away. Turns out it was missing an air filter! Not needed a new one, didn't have one. How strange! Good thing I checked that out. I tweaked a couple loose belts, and everything seems hunky dory now. I am Man, I fix things!

Apart from that, last night found me wide awake and not able to sleep, so I decided to go down and check out the early morning TV scene. I came across a rather odd little animated number that was actually pretty amusing- The Haunted World of El Superbeasto. Dealing with the adventures of one superhero/celebrity/lucha libre wrestler named El Superbeasto, it takes place in the large metropolis of Monsterland. There were countless cliches, nods to films and inside B-movie jokes, and the whole thing was produced by Rob Zombie. Alternately funny, crude and gross, it had a pretty good plot, good animation, and was funny as hell.
The story centers on El Superbeasto, who has made the A list of celebrities, and now occasionally fights crime. His sister is named Suzie X, a secret agent/inventor/superhero who goes around and also seems to fight crime, accompanied by her large, heavily armed robot named Murray, who also has a bit of a crush on Suzie. Modeled after the frowning robot sideckick of Bela Lugosi in The Phantom Creeps, Murray often gets some of the better jokes in the movie.

Add to this Dr. Satan, not his real name, a nerdy but wealthy ex-veterinarian who wants to gain all the "sudsy powers of Hell" by marrying a woman with the right markings. At the time of the narrative, he just disposed of wife #23, who also failed to have the right markings. Ex wives are stored in a giant freezer- this gives me an idea...

And then it gets weird. In Monsterland is a strip club known as the Haunted Palace, wherein works one Velvet Von Black, who provides tremendously profitable entertainment to the monster clientele. She falls under the voyeuristic watchful eye of Dr. Satan, who notices that evidently she has the right marks. (Well, obviously, wouldn't be much of a story otherwise). So he captures her, takes her to his enormous underground mansion under the Filthy Plottes Cemetery (told you it gets weird), marries her, and gains all the aforementioned sudsy powers of Hell. Also notable is that El Superbeasto has the hots for Ms. Von Black, creating a reason for him to get up off his mask-wearing behind and go save her, and by extension, the rest of Monsterland. Throw in a couple voice cameos from two of my favorite actors (Sid Haig and Bill Moseley), as well as countless sex jokes, explicit cartoon footage and countless references to Rob Zombie movies and various old horror films, and only someone like me would stay up half the night hanging on every frame. So the usual disclaimer goes here- this film is in no way appropriate for anyone under the age of 18, caution contains explicit sexual content, gratuitious violence, Nazis, cussing till the cows come home, and the voice of Rosario Dawson. You have been warned. Sheri Moon Zombie lends her voice to Suzi, and as always sounds like Betty Boop with a bad meth habit. This movie is definitely worth a look.

In other news, I've been reading an interesting book called City Magick, dealing with how the urban worlds many of us live in are really a similar situation to what our ancestors faced in the wild. Written by one Christopher Penczak, it's worth a look. There are references to urban 'tribes', which makes a good degree of sense, and a fascinating parallel between the world of old where magic held sway, and the new world. I've noticed this, to some extent-each city I've been in, each town, for that matter, has a distinct feel to it, yet each one has a similar kind of collective spirit. New Yorkers are famous for this, and the boroughs are very much lands unto themselves, with customs and dialects distinct to each. This appears to be the same the world over. I haven't delved too deeply into this book yet, but it promises to be interesting. The author also makes reference to "animating spirits", which presents a curious puzzle. Do vehicles, mechanical and inanimate, have spirits? Cars do seem to have distinctive personalities, though this could be due to the process we humans have of anthropormorphizing everything. (lending human characteristics to non-human subjects). However, it seems to me that there is always a kind of collective spirit, for better or worse, wherever and whenever you have people living in close proximity. The Army refers to this as espirit de corps, though perhaps in a different sense. This is the common bonds members of a platoon or unit feel- us and them, to some extent, though not in a bad way. Perhaps any group of people living together, or in close proximity, develop some similar collectivism- this isn't necessarily a good thing, as people can be bound together out of mutual distrust, fear and hate just as easily as they can out of civic pride.

I notice this in a curious kind of mixture here in Lawton. People often complain about the town, often with good cause. There is a good deal of gang violence, mostly by people who fortunately haven't encountered me- if you want to pull a weapon on me, please be prepared to kill me with it- as I am quite prepared to kill you should I find myself in a position where I would need to be pointing a weapon at you. Luckily, the odds of that are next to nil. However, there are a great many civic improvements that could be done here in town, and the local churches seem to be the main driving force behind this. Couple this, however, with a lack of economic opportunity and general malaise coming from a poor economy (Flint, Michigan is another very similar example, if you're interested in doing the research), and you have a recipe for people who feel the bonds of community, but perhaps at the same time would like their community to do more for them. We may not all be civic leaders, but experience tells me if we all kind of carve out a niche for ourselves, extend creativity into the world around us, and share our inspiration with other people, those people respond in kind. Everyone likes to see someone creating something 'cool', for lack of a better term. The world is always a better place when we see something that makes us smile, inspires us, or makes the world just a few degrees brighter.
So stay away from the Tenafly Viper, as well as Thunderbird (got some engine cleaner on my hand, accidentally tasted it, it's remarkably similar) and stay well. Signing off for now.

Dawn is Not Your Enemy

Well, here it is again, Friday. I have funeral detail yet again tomorrow, Saturday morning. Oh joy. Well, looks like I'll have to hit the gym tonight. I've been feeling pretty out of sorts lately, mainly perhaps due to the messed-up schedule I've been keeping. Either that or the car is leaking exhaust. But at any rate, doing pretty good lately. I'm looking forward to a long run on the treadmill tomorrow, to the strains of various songs I happen to throw into my mp3 player- very convenient devices, these! Just in case you were dying to know, here is the current workout playlist I have- more or less in order-
-Alabama Getaway, by the Grateful Dead
-Eat Some More
-Sanctuary
-Brutal Planet, all by Alice Cooper
-Living Dead Girl
-Sick Bubblegum
-Never Gonna Stop, all by Rob Zombie
-Illumination, by Henry Rollins
-A Real Indication, written by David Lynch, from the Twin Peaks soundtrack
-Cartoon Heroes, by Aqua
-400 Bucks, by Reverend Horton Heat
-Everybody Get Some
-Stud Pony, both by Dino Lee
-Zombie Dance, by The Cramps
So there you have it, go forth, lift weights and try not to fall off the treadmill. Why then not use the earth outside as my personal treadmill? Well, because winters in Oklahoma are neither snow-filled nor picturesque. We get two things in spades- ice and wind. The combination of the two means dry, sub-zero temperatures- actually it's probably too cold for snow to form. At least I have a nice warm gym to hide out in, and am not in the field. I'm thinking my potential next duty station, Fort Drumm, can't be a lot worse than an Oklahoma winter. Connecticut, I'm told, gets snow dumped on it in amazing quantities. But then again, as long as you don't have to drive in it, it's pretty nice to see. Here we get black ice- that's neither nice, nor sometimes easy to see. Well, at any rate, back to the grind that is the rest of this day. I'm getting issued plates for my armor today- the vests we wear contain one type or another of ballistic plates designed to stop bullets. Will we be shot at? Yes and no- live-fire convoys are usually not fatal- and we're usually not the guys getting shot at, we're aiming at non-living targets. I hear there are new, thinner and lighter plates out there that are compatible with the old armor we have, and incorporate a layer of some manner of ballistic gel. However, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for those, with all the budget cuts that seem to be going on around here. (This is why we should have NCOs making decisions, not officers...)
At any rate, life goes on! If I don't end up reenlisting, it looks like the transportation industry is either remaining steady or picking up, depending on who you listen to. Either way, military driving is a definite plus, and chances are I've maneuvered something much larger and much more dangerous into anywhere I'd need to maneuver a semi. But that's a little ways down the road, hopefully the White House will come to their senses and realize the answer isn't cutting jobs in the military, the answer is creating civilian alternatives. But then again, I'm just a grunt, I don't have all that fancy political know-how that I need to pull down a gigantic salary while the country goes down the tubes. See, again, just a grunt, that's how it looks to me. Clearly my limited understanding fails to grasp the big picture here, that by the proverbial fat cats getting fatter, this benefits the millions of people who don't have a job- this more than anything else explains the influx of recruits, as there simply is not work out there. But again, what do I know, I'm just a truck driver...

Project Car

I'm taking a little time this afternoon to try to push some paperwork, and discovering yet again that there's an easier way to do it than the "way we've always done it". In this case, it's trying to set up some useless funds routing, which of course doesn't work on this computer. I should act surprised.
Well, at any rate, there's the wheels, as you can see in need of some cosmetic work- mainly paint. This should, weather permitting, be an easy task. It's a 91 Corsica, which runs but looks like it's been through Armageddon and halfway back again. But it should be a pretty easy matter to sand and repaint, slap a coat of gloss over it and call it good! This car also doesn't like cold weather (that makes two of us), mainly because it needs a new serpentine belt. Well, this is nothing major, fortunately. I'm hoping to be able to get to work on it shortly, though no sooner do I get started on the interior than the temperature drops well below freezing. Got to love that Oklahoma weather! I have several interesting ideas for this car, none of which are just touch up the paint. I figure what the heck, for what I paid for it I can afford to be a little creative here and there. Originally I was leaning towards going over it with cow spots, but then decided on a white, red and black motif- inspired by a car my son and I created in a video game, Nascar Thunder- once we realized we had the option to design our own car, we were off and running. But nothing too crazy, I figure tidying it up a bit will make for a good resell when the time comes. Still, I need to dispose of my old car as well.
Apart from that, I'm trying (as usual) not to strangle anyone, or just walk the hell away from the motor pool. Actually, that's pretty much what I did today, but under perhaps different circumstances. Working out continues to go well, and proves to be a stress relief. Often I've been going in earlier, which means no chance to work out in the morning. Okay, says I, and usually wind up going twice in one day, alternating out the type of workouts I do. Tomorrow is one such day, we have to be in early to (yet again) account for radios. Seeing as said radios haven't left the motor pool since the last time we inventoried them... But that way lies madness, I'm afraid. Well, time to go look busy, wish me luck, and hope all is well in the world!

Because Guys Sometimes Like Pink

Remember this-
everything that you have ever experienced in your entire life has brought you to this instant! All things now are possible in the limitless void of counter-actuality. All things too that are knowable will be realized in this new dimension of bikini girls with machine guns!
-Lux Interior, Bikini Girls With Machine Guns

It's another weekend here in Oklahoma. I'm still recovering from what may or may not be bronchitis, as well as a staff duty shift. It was pretty quiet, which is always a good thing. I've been spending most of the day car hunting- I'm not looking forward to going to a dealership, mostly because it's a pain in the tail. So I've been scouring private sellers with limited success, though I know sooner or later I'll have to break down and finance a car. This shouldn't be a problem. Well, all in good time, I think. It's important to have a plan, like many areas of life.
Just don't do anything like the moment of Zen I witnessed today. Let me set the scene for you- for those in the know, this takes place at the intersection of Sheridan Road and Fort Sill Boulevard, not too far from the Goodyear plant, the only other reason Lawton continues to be on the map. As is common, this intersection has a dedicated left-turn lane, with a likewise dedicated left-turn arrow on the traffic light. I happened to be turning left, and pulled up to the intersection, the second car in line. The light had turned yellow, with a police cruiser sitting across the road in plain view of me, not like I was planning on running the light anyway- first off, because southern drivers give New Yorkers a run for their money behind the wheel, and second, because there was a police cruiser sitting right there. Actually the main reason was the light had gone from yellow to red as I pulled up, so it's not like a skin-of-your-teeth maneuver. The car in front of me, however, also rolling up to the light, somehow managed to miss one or two things- first, that the light was not even possible to mistake for yellow, and that the police cruiser was sitting right there on the other side of the road. Yet through that red light they went! Amazing, said I. The police cruiser, predictably enough, snapped on the lights and went after them. So all in all, not really anything unusual here, we see cause, and we see effect. But what amazed me was how could you possibly be paying that little attention to the road? What was this person looking at? The higher, more esoteric, hidden things of the universe? Well, at any rate, the hour grows late, and I grow increasingly car-less.

Within And Beyond

A frequent complaint of people nowadays is that there isn't enough time in the day. In many ways, I find myself agreeing with this. Actually, it seems more like there's not enough time for the important things, and too much time for the unimportant things. Sure, we all need to work, pay bills, make payments, earn income, and all that. But does it make sense to put in 60 hours a week to pay for this lifestyle, and hustle ourselves into an early grave due to stress? And for that matter, does everyone do this, or is it only some people? I can only speak from my own experience, which involves somewhere between 10 and 15-hour days, depending on how busy the day is. But I try to make time for what's important, even if that means getting up at 5AM to hit the gym. Actually, this would be one of the important things, at least it's important to me.
What isn't important is driving a new car, living in a huge house, or wearing $150 sneakers. Now, this may be due to the nature of my job, that I can do certain things other people can't. But generally I've been trying this new year to live within my means, and spend time focusing on what's important- self-development, my family and generally getting my life in order. But what happens after that? Well, first, I'll keep on doing what I'm doing. When something stresses me out at work, (bureacracy...) I tend to keep that inside, then pound it out in the gym. I'm finding, incidentally, I like using the treadmill over running outside, at least in the winter. That springy rubber belt you run on is a little easier on the joints, too. I guess what it boils down to is that there are people out there who just go and go, and don't take the time to release stress.
Often I've heard of the "fight or flight" reflex, which served our ancestors well when they first came down from the trees, or out of the oceans, or whatever explanation you like. The body dumps adrenaline into our systems, preparing for danger. Either we fight it, or get the hell out of there. Yet in modern-day times there's little chance of loss of life. (driving in Oklahoma may be the exception to this rule). Yet the same mechanism stays in place, and the best way to dispose of this excess adrenaline, increased respiration and heart rate, is to do something physical. We have a mental situation with a physical response- perception carries a great deal of weight here. I'm not an expert on physiology, but it seems that engaging in this physical activity helsp to release some of the tension. So back to the point- the world, and the people in it, tend towards balance. So for every action, or every event, there's a reaction. Thus, when this gets out of balance, it's useful to bring these things back into balance.
Again, I really don't know if this is just me, or a solution for everyone else too. Not everyone can get to the gym every morning, but I suppose really it's a question of time management. Pretty much any type of relaxing exercise is helpful, and each person might actually end up doing something different that they find most beneficial- some people go hiking, go running, or even do yoga or some type of calisthenics.
It often seems that there's some kind of vast shadowy conspiracy out there to sell us stuff, foods, diets, stimulants, downers, everything like that- and it seems to play primarily off of insecurity, and the need for security. Do this, buy this, and you'll be happy, the advertisements we often encounter seem to say. Yet as someone or other said, happiness is temporary, peace is permanent. A lot of people aren't comfortable in their own skin- often myself included. I'm too fat, I'm too thin, I'm not handsome enough, I don't have an Incredible Hulk build like that guy. Yes, men are subject to 'idealized' images through the media too. I doubt I'm alone when I look at this and kind of scratch my head- better to be the best you that you can be than the best imitation of what you think the world wants you to be. I'm not the worst-looking guy on the block, but then, I tend to think that doesn't really matter, as I picked a starting point and decided to go from there. There was a time when I couldn't bench press my own body weight- the obvious answer was, start with what you can, and build up from there. Though I do tend to be impatient, wanting to see immediate results, I realize many things take time. The world moves at its own pace, not the pace I want it to move at. But the deciding factor is whether or not you stick to it- perserverance yields success, either that or you're doing it wrong in the first place.
So the point of this long diatribe is this- as a fellow inpatient in the mental hospital once told me, (and this has stuck with me ever since), hope springs eternal. Hope is a complicated thing, and the best way to hope is to ensure that what we hope for can come true, through our own actions and the things we do, or don't do. We are the masters of our own destiny- be confident, hell, be cocky, get knocked down on occasion, then get back up. Remember, you're never truly beaten until you don't get back up again. Okay, now take your moment of inspiration and go make the world a better place. So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Under The Red Hood

Funny how art mirrors life, or something like that. Anyway, here it is Saturday, and what did I spend my Saturday morning doing? What else, watching cartoons! Well, this was actually a cartoon movie (we don't have cable, personally I don't miss it much). The movie was Batman: Under the Red Hood, and looked interesting. One of the things about being a kid at heart is you can still get excited about superheroes and comic books. Anyway, this was very much a comic-book rendition, complete with blood and death. I found it interesting because it dealt with the Red Hood- those of us who are uncool enough to know would remember that the Red Hood was the precursor to the Joker. The story goes like this- the Red Hood gang was a group of successful criminals in Gotham City. They would hijack, blackmail or otherwise coerce someone into acting as the Red Hood- putting on an act of 'leading' the gang, and subsequently making the Red Hood impossible to catch, since he didn't actually exist. So at any rate, the gang snags the future Joker- a struggling stand-up comic. The Red Hood Gang kidnaps his wife and baby daughter, holding them hostage unless he poses as the Red Hood for a raid on the Axis Chemical plant. This was to be ultimately a lot worse than what they had anticipated. Batman shows up, and comes face-to-hood with someone he believes to be a master criminal. The Red Hood then ends up falling from a catwalk into an open tank of chemicals- Batman, to his credit, does reach out, hoping to grab his hand and save him. But no, down he goes, apparently drowning in some unknown chemical. The result is that in fact the Joker does not die, but does suffer severe facial and nervous damage- the chalk-white skin, red lips and green hair are not makeup. The chemical, it turns out, was a potent neurotoxin. The Joker's rictus grin is a direct result of this, though to date he is the only person to have survived its effects. Later to be known as Joker Juice or alternately Joker Venom, it proves fatal to anyone who comes in contact with it, a fact the Joker exploits regularly, having found a way to synthesize the chemical. Though his face is twisted, this is not the final straw- that comes when he learns that his wife and daughter are now dead, killed by the Red Hood Gang. Finally, whatever was left of his mind snaps, and he becomes the Joker. He defines himself, to a large extent, by Batman, considering Batman his worthiest opponent and opposite.
However, the movie deals with a different Red Hood. This Red Hood looks different, and acts different. He's something of a vigilante, though not above tapping into Gotham City's crime and drug trade. He's also not adverse to killing criminals, something Batman never does, for fear of his own psyche. As the story progresses, we learn who the Red Hood is, and how he came to be. The ending was somewhat predictable, but very good.
So what does this have to do with the price of tea in China? Coincidentally, I was reading a book on how 'girlhood' is becoming prepackaged and marketed to girls at a younger and younger age- what you should be, and how to be that. (mainly through shopping, you could probably guess). But then I got to thinking about comic books and superheroes. I'm a little less cynical than many sociologists out there, so I'm a firm believer that kids will do what kids do. They play, pretend, make up stories, and generally try to figure out who and what they want to be. Role models, of course, are important, and this is one of the reasons why parenting is such a big job. But there are also the ideas that kids have about themselves. It seems advertisers want kids to feel they are inadequate, and what you add to your life will make you adequate. Interesting- effective, though thoroughly morally reprehensible. And this brings up comic books- true, this is kind of geared towards kids, and weird middle-aged men who live in their parents' basement and collect comic books obsessively, but I found myself considering the elements we see in comics.
Probably one is right and wrong- not necessarily good and evil, but rather actions- either these actions are good, or they are bad. Consider one Wilson Fisk, also called the Kingpin- in the Spider-Man comics, one of New York's premier philanthropists, also the major player in most of the crime syndicates in the city. Does this make him a villain, or a good guy? Most of the villains are usually in it for the money, not any real interest in being evil, though there are exceptions among the more madness-ridden members of the rogues' gallery. But as kids can easily identify a great many superheroes, and also emulate them, what does this mean? I always thought of it as empowering; that is, using one's resources to make a positive change in the world. Spiderman was a dorky high school kid, Batman was orphaned at an early age, as was Superman. Making lemonade out of lemons, so to speak. Many of these superheroes are "self-made men", having taken a somewhat bad situation and carved a niche for themselves in the world. So perhaps when confronted with a vexing problem, a lot of little kids would say, what would [insert superhero here] do?
Then what about girls? All the superheroes I've mentioned, you'll notice, are male. What about girls? Are there girly superheroes? Actually, yes. There's the most old-school, like the Scarlet Witch and Wonder Woman, who are both feminine, caring and capable of kicking serious bad-guy ass. The X-Men was always something of a misnomer, as there were a number of women there, all of whom are portrayed as very human, though finding themselves in somewhat insane circumstances. There were also a number of female counterparts to the male superheroes, though mostly this was in name only- there was a Spider-Woman, though she was the result of genetic experimentation, and was literally evolved from a spider, as well as Batgirl and Supergirl. Supergirl was Superman's cousin, another survivor of the destruction of Krypton, and the 'girl', which some uber-feminists may object to, refers to the fact that she's substantially younger than Superman- quite literally a girl. Same thing with Batgirl, who was originally Commissioner Gordon's teenage daughter. There was also the Black Cat, my personal favorite, who runs around in a black suit with fur-lined boots and gloves, and originated her career as a thief, yet later joined up with Spiderman. The point I'm making here is that these women reflect, to a large extent, their male counterparts- self-reliance, intelligence, bravery and a sense of right. If these aren't good things for kids to emulate, I don't know what is. So I guess to sum it all up, kids will be kids- never discourage them from seeing who they could be, and being comfortable with who they are.

The Death of Herman

It's been a good run, but seems the junky old blue Escort will run no more. At least, not for the time being. Transmission failure, and the easy solution to this is replace the car. Well, perhaps not the easy solution, but the cheaper one. Now comes the fun part of not having a car, nor enough money to put down on one until the end of the week. The net result of this is running around getting rides where I can and generally not looking forwards to car shopping.
First off, my credit isn't terrible, but not too great. Well, that's okay, I live pretty simply, so no extravagant bills are hanging over my head. Second, I'm not sure what I'm looking for, and would like to go used, but can see the advantages to a new car. There are all kinds of high-interest places around town, this, of course, being a military town, and furthermore, one where basic training and AIT are done. Like most military towns of this type, there are miles of pawn shops, loan sharking places and car dealerships. Well, actually since Oklahoma towns tend to be few and far between, this last makes a good deal of sense. There are also less scrupulous car dealers who will take new soldiers for a ride, literally and figuratively. Though to the credit of the industry, I have yet to encounter any of these. Generally you can tell which to steer clear of, and which ones will work with you.
But all that's neither here nor there. Car ads tend to point to car buying as an emotional decision rather than a practical one. Unfortunately, practicality has to come first for me. I'm planning on driving it, not marrying it. A lifetime with my lady love could also be summed up pretty well in a car commercial-type format, as it's been indeed filled with excitement and deep emotion. Then of course, there's the occasional fight, the occasional off day- much like life itself. Some days are good, some bad, some just there. But it's those just there days that mean a lot to me- not because it's a comfort zone, which it is, but rather knowing that she's there, and I'm there for her. These days are marked by nothing special going on, but also by a sense of deep love I have for her. And what that has to do with cars, I'm not sure. But the end result is this- that no matter what happens, no matter what trials and tribulations come, I know that much is true, that I know where my home is.

Day Three, or The Revenge of The Phoenix

Remember, the Cthulhu cult becomes a successful business based on your contributions- so run spell check. Well, here it is the third day of the new year, and things are going fairly well so far. I'd say things are really incredibly exciting, but not really, besides, it's only three days into this year. Tomorrow we go back to the full-day schedule at work, which means more time to waste on menial tasks. But also hopefully more time to study for the NCO board exam, which I'm planning on gunning for as soon as I get promoted. Generally once you make E-4 you get a shot at it. The problem with being an E-3 when you enlist is that it takes 18 months time in grade to actually get anywhere- rather a pain, and couple this with how fast things don't move here at Fort Sill, and though you're guaranteed a paycheck, it'll take a good deal of effort to get moved up in the ranks. This too is one more reason I'm looking forwards to that inevitable duty station- I'm going to see if Fort Drumm in New York has any openings for a driver and general ass kicker, and hopefully will be wearing my stripes by the time I get there. But then again, who knows what the future holds? I can tell you this much, this is going to be a busy year.
This morning I did something I haven't done before, which was use the treadmill at the gym. This takes a little getting used to, seeing as when I run, I'm used to going somewhere, and it takes a little bit to get your balance on a moving belt, and of course when you run, you generally swing your arms (I've never quite figured this out, but it works) so you can't well hang onto the bars on the side. After you get your balance, it's pretty good, though not as exciting as a regular run. It is, however, a lot warmer than it would be otherwise outside. So there I was, messing with the speed (I found it starts you out at a crawl, and cools you down at a crawl) and checking out the buttons. There was a big red one labeled "Stop". Okay, got it. There was also something that looked like a button, but wasn't- it was about the size of a refrigerator magnet, and tied to a cord, the other end of which went to an alligator clip. So I pulled on the cord- the magnet popped off of its socket, and turned out to be an emergency stop. Okay, got it. Don't mess with it if you don't know what it is. But apart from that, I was glad to find I kept bumping the speed up- the problem I have is not endurance, I can run well over six miles at a stretch (with the way I'm put together, at a stretch takes on a new meaning...). But the point being, I'm not really that fast. Maybe due to being big and heavy, but it seems like a good deal of inertia to overcome. Not that I ever expect to run as fast as some of the skinny guys in my unit, but one of my resolutions was to knock off a minute and a half from my run time- I figure if I keep at it, it'll eventually pay off. Actually, as I get older, I get more and more time to complete a 2-mile run in, according to Army regulations, but then again, if I can score in a lower age bracket (which I can do for everything but the run), it'll raise my score, and perhaps even figure in towards yet another promotion. Fear me, I am NCO material! But at any rate, I can't help but shake a positive feeling about this upcoming year, and know full well that to a very large extent, this depends on my own choices and actions. Control is a wonderful thing, in the right hands.

Faith-Based Predictions

There was an interesting article on CNN's website recently, discussing predictions not based on faith, but rather about faith. I'm not really a religious person (inasmuch as that indicates organized religion, I like my disorganized religion better), but to deny that religion is a force in the modern day is a mistake. The link is here-

http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2011/01/01/11-faith-based-predictions-for-2011/?hpt=C2

and may turn black like the other one did, making it invisible until you run your cursor over it. At any rate, it mentioned (of course) the well-beaten dead horse that is "Don't ask don't tell". I think it was interesting that perhaps this will result in a more unified opposition to it. In my own opinion, I continue to regard it as a non-issue. There are gay people in the military, more or less openly so, (and really, how open do you need to be about sexuality when you're at work? Last time I checked it's a place where work gets done, not Plato's Retreat, guys.) So some people do indeed have a problem with gay people in the military, many of which have not served in the military. There are those people who wish to serve yet still identify as gay. This is odd, I always thought- does being gay mean you can't shoot? Believe me, there are plenty of straight people who fire a weapon anything but straight, pun intended.

But I digress. I've noticed a lot of Christians expect to be persecuted, or put on the spot for their religious beliefs. This (for once) is not a dig on Christianity, as people of this faith do great things for each other and for their communities, and are generally some of the nicest folks you could hope to meet. I don't agree with a lot of their politics, but that's no reason why we shouldn't all get along. There are a lot of anti-Christian sentiments in parts of the world, which is unfortunate, that people are not free to pursue what makes them happy. Likewise, there are anti-Muslim parts of the world too. I'm finding that a true Muslim tends to get a bad rap- Muslims tend to be very religious people, again, not that this is a criticism. I've known people who would excuse themselves during the day to remove to a back room or quiet corner to perform prayers. It was a rather amazing and inspiring sight, I found. Muslims generally are peaceful, as peace is a tenet of their faith- though to be honest, it's a religion I understand little of, so can't speak on it with any real authority, just relate my own experiences. The more extreme sects, I would guess, are more motivated by politics and somewhat more mundane concerns than those of serving the Prophet.

So again, I'm reminded that it seems that when one religion claims to be the one true religion, and by extension all others false, we get into trouble. A person assured of his divinely appointed truth tends to look on other people as "them" rather than "us". It's actually a pretty regular human trait, to look and find differences among 'different' people. And of course, though I don't want to dig on religions too much, there's the ego factor. Wouldn't one person whom God has chosen to reveal the truth of the universe to feel pretty darn important? The human ego is a fragile thing, and a hungry one. Yet to really boil it down, it reminds me of a quote from my all-time favorite Shakespeare character, Friar Lawrence from Romeo and Juliet-

'Two such opposed kings encamp them still

In man as well as herbs, grace and rude will

And where the worser is predominant,

Full soon the canker death eats up that plant".

Ironic, I always thought, that here what should bring out the best in humanity so often brings out the worst. Well, such is life, I think. Yet does any other being in the universe have such potential? It seems to me that there is no bottom to the depths of human existence- nor is there any limit to the heights we can attain.

Burning Down The House

The year begins on a pretty high note, things are going well, and it looks like a long and exciting year ahead of us. There are a few odds and ends to tie up, but overall I'm feeling pretty confident this year. Actually the odd thing is, I've been feeling pretty good a lot lately, with no particular focus or reason why. Well, I can't complain about that!

An idea occurred to me recently- I was so surprised that this happened I fell off my chair. Okay, just kidding. But it occurred to me, why not examine the year with Tarot cards? Seems like you can examine just about everything else with them too- so I came up with an idea for 36 cards, divided into 12 piles of three cards each. The three cards would be put in a column- the first, highest card, represents higher causes or things going on behind the scenes. The second, middle card would represent our thoughts, potentialities and feelings, and the bottom, third card would then represent the actual physical manifestation we'd see as a result of this for that particular month. I put the higher purposes on top and mental and spiritual factors above physical causes thinking that it was a kind of trickle-down effect; we first grasp something on a deep level, which then gives rise to thoughts and feelings, and finally actions. This took a little while to lay out, but seems to have worked pretty well- here are the months and their respective cards-

-January showed the first, topmost card as the Empress- the middle card was the Page of Pentacles, and below that was the 10 of Pentacles. Overall, this first month tells of a potential for growth in many areas, and that this growth will be easily seen and manifested.

-February showed the first card as the 7 of Wands, the second as the 4 of Pentacles, and the bottom card as the King of Swords. During this month, a challenge is indicated, yet one that will call for wise use of resources, and from this, only improve me.

-March again showed a challenge- here was, from highest to lowest, The Tower, the 6 of Swords and the Queen of Swords- whatever had been brewing last month is going to happen in March, and with this, a radical restructuring of thinking and perspective. Again, this isn't so much something to be afraid of as it is a challenge to rise up and meet- the results will be well worth it.

-April shows the Queen of Pentacles, the 6 of Wands and 3 of Swords- a strange combination, looks like a lot of contradictory thoughts and motives, yet at the same time, things moving forwards. Seems I can expect a dust-up with the ex, seeing as by my timetable, this is when things should just be getting hot on the divorce front. Well, I'll try to cause as little pain as possible.

-May likewise looks like things are flying along. The cards, again from highest to lowest, were the 6 of Pentacles, the 3 of Cups and the 4 of Cups. The keywords for this month are moderation and balance- things are going along well, though often this is right when the ground drops out from under you. So the message here, in the 3 and 4, is don't get complacent. Don't assume trends of good fortune will continue- make use of these trends, but don't take them for granted.

-June tells of the results of this- the cards were the 3 of Pentacles, The Emperor, and the 6 of Cups. Here diligence and hard work are recognized, and pave the way for the future. The Emperor tells of a need for wise guidance, forbearance where it is needed, and a sure hand at the wheel, to direct events as they should go. The 6 of Cups tells of looking back over all that has been accomplished this upcoming year, and taking some solace from it- keep moving forwards, never quit.

-July tells of another mixed month. Here is the 5 of Cups in the topmost position, followed by the 8 of Pentacles and the Chariot- seems like there could be some disappointment, or perhaps some loss of heart along the way. The only answer to that, once again, is fake it till you make it- keep on pressing forwards, and ultimately overcome.

-August tells of a slight break from troubles- here again from high to low are the Knight of Pentacles, The Wheel and the 9 of Swords. The message here is that having come through this time so far, things begin to look up once again, and may not have ever been as bad as they once seemed.

-September tells of a deepening bond between two people- here is the King of Wands, (actually, calculating this out in terms of numerological ideas, this comes out to Tabatha's significator) the 3 of Wands and The Lovers. All this points to strengthening ties and bonds, and building relationships. A good relationship is a give and take- both people form a symbiosis, and it seems this will come to prominence this month.

-October tells of new directions this deepening will bring- first is the Strength card, followed by the Ace of Swords and Knight of Swords- clearly there has been a change in perspective, more things revealed, and with this, new ways of learning and understanding the world around us. Besides that, Halloween/Samhain is in October, and that's my favorite holiday! I also turn 33 this month- so am hoping that with this additional year comes additional learning and sense.

-November warns against becoming too complacent again- things need attention, it seems, and the more time and resources that can be devoted to this, the more clear insight and thought, the better. Here was the 5 of Wands, the 4 of Swords and the 5 of Swords- seems like conflict, internal and external, are the order of the day, This isn't that big of an issue, but warns that the right amount of rest is important- better to face things with a rested and peaceful mind than keep pressing on.

-Finally, December tells of things coming together, and perhaps even more than that! The three cards here are the 4 of Wands, telling of the commitment and love such as a house is built on (...), the 10 of Cups, also pointing to a house, and the deep abiding love two people might share, and finally the 2 of Swords, telling of two great minds coming together in balance. This balance is usually considered a temporary one, as things eventually move towards a more stable state as time goes on. Often this is seen as a predecessor to the heartbreak of the 3 of Swords, but not always. Besides which, that 3 has been cropping up a lot in my life lately, and though I'm not yet positive of its significance, I doubt it's a negative.

Well, that covers 2011- this reading was a chore to do, and a chore to write about, but I'm glad I did, if for no other reason than future reference. Let's see how things pan out this year! Wherever you are, whatever you may be doing, let your light shine this year- the future is ours to create as we see fit.