The Devil's Chasin' Me

I've got the black heart of Texas,

I've got the Devil's horns

- Count Lyle, Killer In Texas

There's a light

In the darkness

Of everybody's life

-Richard O'Brien, Over At The Frankenstein Place

That's what I'm talking about! I stumbled across this little gem on Rhapsody- it's actually pretty good, featuring bands I've never heard of- well, that's a good thing about the Internet, I think- finding out new things you didn't know existed. At any rate, that's a newer model hearse than my dream ride, but still, I like the paint job- looks so familiar...

At any rate, things are about par for the course, but I did a pretty interesting reading this afternoon, and figured I'd share the results. They don't really much apply to anyone else but me, but that's okay. A part of writing this is to try and make sense out of a chaotic world.

For this reading I used the Deviant Moon Tarot, seeming to fit in well with the whole rockabilly revival thing that seems to have caught me up the last few days- the title of this entry is one of the cooler Rev. Horton Heat songs out there. At any rate, it has weird images, that, in usual fashion, make a good deal of sense to me. One thing I noticed was that most if not all of the characters shown in the suit of Pentacles are either fully or partially mechanical, if you can picture that. But this struck me, as sometimes the physical world can be manipulated to our own ends- in other words, like we manipulate the raw materials into machines to work for us.

The first card I turned over was the 9 of Pentacles- a sense of completion, of foundation- but there could be more. Covering this (it's a Celtic Cross spread) was the Hanged Man- a time of changing perspectives, of perhaps a development of new understanding- not necessarily an easy one, but nonetheless, a necessary one. This seems to make a good deal of sense- things have come to pass, but there's still more to do- more can be done, as a matter of fact. It's just a question of releasing old patterns and habits- not always an easy task!

The next card was in the Past position, and was the Hermit. The Hermit tells me here of a chapter of my life drawing to a close- there was a time to be alone, to examine and understand the things that needed examination- to master oneself, you might say. Now that time is over. The time to move forwards, to put that knowledge to use, is now.

In the next position, the Foundation, was what has brought me up to this point so far. Here was the 5 of Cups- something lost, but what really matters preserved. I really wish I could find a picture of this card to put up here, the artist really outdid himself on this one. It's an absolute riot, showing two figures on a patio-like area- one, wearing an apron, is haranguing a browbeaten-looking figure with his fingers in his ears, while in the foreground three cups have fallen, leaving two standing on the patio railing. I could make some comment here, but those in the know will already get the joke. Well, that definitely led up to the current situation! But in a broader sense, here is the sense of things worth preserving remaining- some things have fallen away, and some more things may still need to give way before this chapter closes.

The next card indicates the Near Future- here was the 4 of Swords, telling of a time to wait- build up a solid offensive before charging into battle. In a lot of ways, this is what I feel like I've been doing- planning a strategy on how to approach this problem. But an important thing to remember is, strike while the iron is hot- don't miss your opportunity through over-planning. Sun Tzu said something to the effect of a man who knows himself and knows his enemy both can never be defeated. Interesting.

The next card in this spread completes the cross, and represents aspirations- here is the Queen of Swords- an intelligent and charming woman- relationships and other people are important to her. Now whoever could that be? And in a position I aspire to be at? Hmmm, that's a real puzzler. Tabatha sometimes shares my suit- Swords, I mean, not an article of clothing, ha ha.

The seventh position also relates to the future- here was the 7 of Cups, and the King of Pentacles. The 7 tells of a time of choice- of seeing many different possibilities, but at the same time being able to see through illusion and make the right choice. The King represents a man of means- again, here in this deck the King is wearing, or is encased in, some manner of mechanical armor. The King represents a wise use of energy and resources- he's the Harvester, (in this case maybe an International Harvester? Couldn't resist). But the message of the King is reaping a harvest in this world- having worked towards an end, the King now lays claim to that which he has created, and that which he has earned through his work. Seems like things will be coming to completion soon- I'm glad.

The eighth position tells of hopes and fears- here was the Knight of Pentacles, and the 6 of Cups. This is kind of an odd combination, I thought. Knights represent the understanding of their mastery- in this case, working towards an end. Pentacles are related to Earth- growth, building up, that kind of thing. The Knight has a knowledge of how this process works, but not even he can hurry it along. The Six coupled with this tells me of a return to the way things were- almost like the way forwards is the way back. Though only in some sense- things are working towards an end, but though that end may seem like the past, it's not- it draws on something long-standing and enduring, but is not the past all over again.

Now in the ninth position, the hidden influences on this situation are shown. Here is the King of Wands, and the Ace of Cups. The King tells of leadership- either this is a person who can offer advice or counsel, or me myself, some latent characteristics- perhaps not going down without a fight- well, ideally not going down at all, but never giving up is a part of this. The Ace tells of a lot of potential- I take this pairing to indicate that there's a good deal of potential, luck and positive energy here- I just need to figure out how to tap into it, how to bring it from potential to actuality. Story of my life.

The tenth and final position tells of the outcome- things look pretty favorable here- the cards here were the Three of Pentacles and the Knight of Swords. The Three represents laying the groundwork for something great and enduring, and the Knight, well, the Knight represents the time to attack. More than any other card in the deck, this Knight represents motion, using his sharp mind to cut through anything that stands in his way, internal or external. (yeah, I know, lots of sword analogies there, but you get what I mean). So combined with the Four of Swords previously, as well as many of the other indicators here, I see how this is a message of marshal the troops, we're going to war. This is of two parts, first to get all the ducks in a row, then second to march them out. This first should not take forever, and the second can't be rushed into. All in all, things are unfolding- this seems to be a consistent message for me across the board. Keep doing what you're doing, and you'll know when the time is right to press forward. Victory is almost assured- but first you have to draw your sword.

Lords Of Salem

God, whoever s/he is, does indeed hate the lords of Salem. This isn't exactly historically accurate, as most witches at the Salem trials were jailed and then hung, and to raise the dead is the provenance of necromancy, not witchcraft, but still. A fun but depressing little Flash player video that reminds us- karma is a bitch sometimes. I recently learned that in post production is a movie version of this- except more than likely the witches win in the end. Actually, from what I've heard, the witches are immortal and work closely with demons- as far as I know, these things fall in the category of flying broomsticks- cool, but unfortunately not the reality we all know and live in. Not that I like busting Christian stones, but gosh, they make it so easy sometimes. Actually, I again feel obligated to point out, those who make headlines are not really representative of the Christian faith. Say "Christian" to most Witches, Pagans, Wiccans, or shamans and you can just about see the negative reaction. Unfortunately, many of the more... militant members of the faith like to jump all over those of different faiths. Though violence of this type is more or less negligible, psychological intimidation, control and just plain old fashioned madness sometimes hold the day. In some ways, I guess pagans are a persecuted minority- those who follow their hearts, who see the world this way and will not compromise the truth of who they are. Sounds kind of like gay people, or transgendered people, in some ways. Well, the world is what you make of it- be true to yourself, whomever or whatever that may be.

In other news, things proceed as always. I'm going in this afternoon to get my taxes done, as I'm having the devil's own time (pun not intended) trying to decipher my leave and earnings statement. There are no doubt a hundred and one little nuances of military service I'm not aware of- so hire someone who does! A specialist in their own right, so to speak.

Which brings me to the news of the day- yes, PFC Chipman is now SPC Chipman, which proves to be an interesting and challenging new chapter. With this rank comes new responsibilities- I'm not yet a sergeant, but it won't be long. I recently came across a book detailing how to maximize one's PT test, which is useful. Oddly, nothing I really didn't know already- if you want to get good at something, practice it a lot, be that something running, pushups or situps. Those who have seen me can probably guess, pushups and situps are not an issue. I think my main problem is gravity. 220 pounds of bones, muscles and organs takes a good deal of force to get moving, and a good deal to stay moving. Combine this with the fact that I have a hard time staying focused when I run, and you've got a big strong poky soldier. Not that I have any real endurance issues, it's just hard to focus on keeping pace when there's usually a hundred more interesting things going on outside and inside your head. I get to thinking about the past, where I've been, or start looking at the houses I run past, watching people play golf on the course across the street, and I tend to slow down, lost in my own daydreams. Would this be the case hauling ass across a combat zone, a wounded comrade across my shoulders? Of course not- then there are much more immediate and pressing concerns, and no doubt these would occupy my mind quite effectively. At any rate, I've been changing my workout plan a bit, adding this and that to decrease bulk and increase speed. So far, results are mixed. Seems no matter what I do, I get bulky. Now, if I was a single guy, this would have a distinct upside, but I suppose as long as I can do my job effectively and to standard, (the two are not always the same) I guess I'll call it good. Not, of course, that I settle or compromise. One can settle for the minimum, but why not do more, if you are capable of doing more? As I realize my position in the Army, I find that I could do the minimum, order Privates to do more of the workload, but no. I'm reminded of two things that stick with me- the Oath of Enlistment, and the Soldier's Creed. Both of these mention service- service to one's fellow soldiers and service to the people of this country. If you wish to lead, it seems, you must be a servant. Another nickname for my rank, a shield-like device bearing the coat of arms of the US, is a sham shield- here sham refers to ducking out of work, getting someone else to do it. Unfortunately, that does sometimes occur, and you don't need a shield to do it. However, these people tend to be wearing that shield a lot longer than those who are serious about their work- those people tend to find themselves wearing three stripes rather than a shield. Well, you've got to start somewhere, I think. This is what I like about the Army- that you're guaranteed a paycheck, and don't need to worry about losing your job as long as you play by the rules. And most of these rules make pretty good sense- don't do drugs, don't drive drunk, don't do what you're not supposed to do, in a nutshell. It's always surprising to me to hear about all the dumb things people do- was your career in the Army worth it? I rather doubt that- this is why I don't do a lot of these things, that and I've heard some pretty bad stories. The latest illicit thrill around here is one salvia divinorum- sold often as 'incense', it's commonly known as diviner's mint or magic mint. Oklahoma recently outlawed it, and I find the whole thing a little on the pathetic side. The hallucinogenic qualities of many plants and herbs have been known to science at large for centuries- and with this, the dangers associated with them. For whatever reason, we don't know exactly why or how some hallucinogens work. The point is, it's not something your brain is not designed to handle. There are ways to induce visions, euphoric states and the like without chemical assistance- this your brain is designed to handle, my rationale being that your brain can do this on its own. Is your life really that empty that you'd fill it up with a cheap and dangerous thrill? Though as a recovering alcoholic (recovered? Unclear on the concept) I suppose I know as well as anyone how heavy that chain can be, life isn't really that bad, and in most if not all cases, the risk does not outweigh the benefits. So drink your milk, stay in school, and other public service cliches. I know, I heard all that growing up too, and I'll tell you, it's not those things that affected the decisions I've made. Rather, it was trying marijuana once- I didn't like it, decided nope, this road isn't for me, and besides, people get in deep trouble for that. Screw it, I'll just go run a few miles and enjoy the endorphin rush. This too can result in damage to yourself- there are people who become addicted to working out, and overdoing it can really cause some permanent harm. Actually, on a side note, what's the most common complaint among military retirees? Knee, hip and joint problems. Running takes a toll on your body, but it's worth it, and not just because we look good in green either, ha ha.

Well, off to do taxes, then see what's shaking with the other members of the E4 Mafia today. I'm thinking some good clean fun would be welcome for all of us, we work hard, might as well play hard too.

In The Black

Today was pretty productive, I went to the gym, though managed to pull a muscle in my lower leg- this falls nicely in the category of pain in the ass, though the actual pain was somewhat lower. I'm continuing to work on the divorce, I have papers in hand to file, and am ready to make this happen. At first, I hit a slight snag, as I was unsure which state to file in! I meet the legal residency requirements for Oklahoma, even without a waiver for military service, yet my official (as far as the Army is concerned), state of residence remains Connecticut. According to the ex, the paperwork would need to be filed in Connecticut. Okay, I said, no sweat. Then she comes back with, well, a divorce in Oklahoma is ok, but you'll need to file for custody in Connecticut. Apparently this is not going to be the amiable parting of ways I had hoped. Very well, but sad. If it needs to be a fight, a fight it shall be! I've come much too far and worked much too hard for this life to throw it all away.

But on a lighter note, things continue to go along as always. I may not be able to re-enlist into my current position, as the Army apparently has too many people in that job. I can, however, reenlist with a different MOS- (military occupational specialty). Most likely cavalry scout! Cool, says I. A cavalry scout's classification is 19D, (mine currently is 88M), and they are basically the "go-see" guys- when information is needed on an enemy, the cav scouts go find it out. Of course, this is assuming I reenlist. The positions may not be available when my contract is up. If so, very well. I'm sure the next step will become clear when the time is right. But to the task at hand! This needs to get done, and in the words of the immortal Bruce Campbell- "Yo, she-bitch! Let's go." Not exactly the type of gentle, loving sentiment one should ideally approach a divorce with, but then again, if I was perfect, I'd be boring as hell. Stay well everyone, and wish me luck! Wish my ex luck too, I hope she goes on to lead a full and happy life.

Hands Across The Bandsaw

I happened to catch a pretty good show on TV last night, called Bar Karma. A lot of it you just kind of take for granted- okay, this is the way it works. The show centers around a bar, in which people discuss their decisions and subsequent consequences of decisions- karma, in other words, as well as how to change that karma. Well, that's kind of a misleading idea- once karma has been established, you don''t actually get to change it. Actions always have consequences, so once something is set in motion, it's possible to deflect it or even perhaps counteract it, but never stop it. There was a story about a madman-turned-monk who still had some negative karma to burn off from killing a ton of people. But, however, the perception of karma can also be changed, as the madman realized what was happening was only karma, and that it could be a positive experience, or at least one to learn from.

At any rate, the point being, the decisions we make in the present do have consequences- at this point we are able to affect the course of events- not in the past, which has already occurred, or in the future, where the decisions we make in the present will play out. It's an interesting idea, though. At one point in the show the bartender tries to explain the choices we make with a deck of cards. He points out, spreading the cards out Vegas-style in a row, that this is how most people view their lives- a linear series of events. But this, he goes on to say, is how it really works, as the cards all stand up on their edge, looking like dominoes. Each event has possibilities, stemming off of it. Each potential is there, as is each actual decision, which then becomes the reality we experience, along with its consequences. Had we chosen differently, any of a number of these other branches would then have become our reality. Interesting, but confusing. Nonetheless, it's interesting to consider how free will factors in here. Do we have free will? Well, yes and no. We are free to choose within confines- the consequences of past actions lead to a new set of choices at each juncture. You could no more get out of this than you could fight against the Devil- well, I should clarify and say the Christian Devil. On a tangent, I never understood that, but always kind of liked this Lucifer. Here's a guy, God's right hand man, or whatever he is, who doesn't like the way God's running shop. (Free will?) Who knows, he might have gone ahead, dropped a couple cards in the suggestion box, but no dice. Screw this, he says, I can run a better multiverse than this joker. So off he goes- he would rather be free and cast out of heaven than be safe therein serving a purpose his heart was not in. True, he could have just been the rampant egomaniacal dink that the Church would have us believe, but I can still see the principle here. Almost shades of Henry David Thoreau here- I will not submit to nor recognize any authority I do not explicitly consent to serving.

Now that I've gotten off on a tangent, I'll try and tie it all together- we ourselves are not immune from cause and effect- it seems no one is. This, I think, is perhaps the universal law- if there is an omnipotent God, it would seem he decided to mechanize (so to speak) some of the universe, creating an immutable machine-like system of cause and effect. Is this where magic (magick?) comes from? The fact that every action creates ripples in the world, resulting in change that might not otherwise have been there if that action had not been taken? Perhaps so. Perhaps the universe simply hangs together because that's the way it is. Whatever the case may be, don't give up hope- if every action has consequences, the greatest and only sin we can commit is to waste the time we've been given.

When The Moon Shines Across the Water

Missionaries came to this place

They taught us manners-

Now us cannibals all say grace!

-Voltaire, Cannibal Buffet

Today was kind of an odd day, as I was called in late, and got out early. There are, obviously, few calls for a truck driver when there's no one in the field, and nothing needs to be delivered. However, a good day to push paperwork, so that's what we did. Sometimes I wonder about these superiors of mine.
Well, apart from that, thank yous to one Patrick Valenza for the above artwork, reminds me of the graveyard I used to sometimes walk in when I was a little kid back in East Hartford. Well, that was another time, another place, as they say. Things are on a pretty even keel, though strangely I kept getting shaken and poked all night, so didn't get a lot of sleep. I woke up at about 1 this morning to someone shaking my shoulder, though what they wanted I don't know. Of course, there was no one there, (who would be in my house at 1 in the morning? Actually never mind, don't answer that). But the time has come (almost) to file divorce paperwork in Connecticut! I'm both excited and filled with trepidation. It'll hopefully be easy, although I don't like to dwell much on my ex. She has her own life, and I can say with all honesty, I want nothing to do with her, I can say without bitterness.

On the other hand, I learned what a busman is, and what a busman's holiday is. Kind of interesting, I guess it's kind of like taking your work home with you. This I try not to do, except for the fact that uniforms do on occasion get pretty grungy, especially in my job. But that's what they pay me for. Someday someone will design a truck bed for us tall guys, so we don't have to load heavy equipment hunched over- 20 years of this and I'll be looking like Quasimodo. Actually this is just for the smaller trucks, which we use for chow runs- they have the advantage and disadvantage of being covered beds, allowing us to transport food in mermites (big tub-like structures) with relative ease. Of course, being the biggest guy in the unit means also I can lift the most weight. Remind me again what the upside to all this is? Well, the upside is, among other things, a job well done. No doubt the sun will rise, the spring will come, and life will march onwards.

Ladybugs In The Cereal

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

-Lao Tzu

So closes another day in the annals of Fort Sill. It was a pretty typical Monday, with the exception of a weird dream last night- something about eating a bowl of Rice Krispies and finding a live ladybug in the bottom of the bowl. Though a little damp, the ladybug was otherwise unharmed. I made it a point not to eat the ladybug, and remembered that ladybugs are considered a sign of good luck. Curious, I thought. Most dream dictionaries, I later found, also identify a ladybug in your dreams (though perhaps not in your cereal bowl) as a good omen, and a symbol of beauty. They are kind of cool-looking, I've got to admit. However, my favorite cereal is and will always be Life. Not that it matters, just thought I'd share that useless information.

So perhaps prompted by my dreams of ladybugs and cereal, I decided to crank out a quick reading- the results seemed to have little to do with food or insects, but here was the result- I used a 14-card spread, nothing too elaborate or unusual. The results are here, I thought they were striking enough to warrant a write up here-

The first card, the present, was the Ace of Swords. Aces reflect potential, here a potential of thought and design. The potential shown by an Ace has not been put into practice or actuality yet, though all the pieces are in place to do so.
Covering this was the King of Swords, which is actually my Tarot symbol. Am I 'sitting on top of' a huge amount of potential? It would seem so, though perhaps a little reflection on my part would help here, to see if there's anything I'm overlooking, anything I don't see yet.

The next card dealt with the past, and here was the 8 of Pentacles, dealing with new learning, and a new application of talents. Learning, in other words. And I had been feeling lately a kind of renewed energy and interest in the world around me- this isn't really anything new, I've noticed my energy and vitality kind of ebbs and flows- some suggest this is tied to the moon and its cycles- I haven't noticed that there's any real exact correspondence, but nonetheless, recognizing the pattern is important to making it work for you. So at any rate, it would seem things are coming up that will mean useful opportunities in the future. I'll keep my eyes open, both literally and metaphysically, ha ha.

The next card is in the foundation position- what brought you up to the current situation, and here was the Queen of Pentacles. Who this person is, I'm really not sure, as I can't think of anyone I know offhand matching the description of this card, though I tend to think it's perhaps an aspect of someone. Pentacles are tied to Earth, and thus a supportive and generating force that keeps me going. This actually fits the description of a couple people I know, and though it's strange that this card was a Queen, the message apparently becomes that there's support- people have got my back on this one. Good to know, and this I take as a go-ahead to take some calculated risks. See where the road goes, so to speak.

The fifth card deals with the near future- those things soon to come. Here was the 6 of Wands, and one thing that struck me about this deck (the Vertigo Tarot) is that there's a surprised (or frightened)-looking eye on the card- not a whole face, just the eye. But it communicates the message all the same- wow, I didn't see that one coming! Though the Six represents the culmination of effort and victory (which, obviously, comes through effort and strength), but perhaps in a way we didn't expect- things turning out better than expected. Tied in with the previous cards, telling of potential and support, I take this as a pretty favorable sign- stop, examine and be surprised. It seems to point to a sense of a whole lot of good stuff I'm missing- what it is, I haven't the slightest, but then again, I only have my own perspective. Looking carefully and taking other viewpoints at this time might prove to be very beneficial.

The sixth card is in the aspirations position- the things we hope for, or the best possible outcome of the current situation. Here was the 7 of Pentacles, pointing to patience. Tara grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the good fortune not to fall on my face too often, I guess. But this points to patience- what this means is that I need to avoid one of my oldest pitfalls- don't rush ahead, take things one step at a time and work through rather than rush ahead. Again, this calls for perspective and understanding of the situation at hand. So far, things are making sense.

Now, in the 7th position, the cards reflect the future. Here is The Tower, and The Fool. Well, that's a pretty strong and clear message. The Tower may sometimes indicate destruction, but then again, like Death, destruction and breaking down allow for re-forming and renovation. I happened across a passage in a book about a somewhat common shamanic experience- being broken down, perhaps literally torn to pieces in a vision, then re-assembled, perhaps with a new piece, like a bone or a stone or jewel or something, added in. This is the message of The Tower, in many cases. The things that are torn down are torn down for a reason- they no longer serve their purpose, or are no longer necessary. Buddha himself said the Dharma was but a raft- cross the river with it, but what's the sense carrying it around on your back after that? Again, renovation. The Fool isn't as much of a Fool as he might seem- the Fool represents starting a new path, a new direction to move in- again, this reflects the idea of change and restructuring- not so much starting anew, but rather moving on and moving forwards. In many cases The Fool has a bag on his back or shoulder- he carries his past experiences with him, and so rarely does he walk into a situation blind.

The eighth position represents hopes and fears- those things we hope will happen or fear to happen- in many ways opposite sides of the coin, one positive, the other negative. Experience tells us that the universe hears only positive. The two cards here were the Ace of Cups and the Star. This tells of a pretty positive message, and this is a good thing. The Ace tells of the potential for happiness, and deep spiritual growth- I admit to being a little wary whenever anyone says 'spiritual', as there are good New Age types and flaky ones, if that makes sense. Our situation is the way it is, so we might as well get used to it and see where this rabbit-hole leads, is my outlook. It's not all spiritual ecstasy and profound wisdom- some days you just stay on the baseline, and that's ok too. The trick is to hold onto the knowledge you learn, and to keep that in mind throughout. The Star is often called the "wish" card- telling of one's heart's desire coming true, and things working out for the best, everything going your way. Interesting, I thought. Again, grant me the good fortune to understand and make use of this, and not to fall on my face too often.

The ninth position tells of hidden influences- things not really abundantly clear, but nonetheless very relevant. Okay, I thought. If there's some new perspective or insight needed, this is the place to find it. Here was the Page of Wands and the 5 of Swords. Again, a message of potential and destruction, similar in some ways to the 7th position. Curiouser and curiouser! The Page tells of a new understanding, in this case a new motivation, a new purpose and drive. The thing about willpower is you need to know what it is you're looking for, and what your aim is. The Five tells of a kind of hopeless path- not that everything is wrong, rather that you can learn from defeat- within the conflict lies the solution. In many decks the Page looks wonderingly at the symbol of his suit, the wand. What can I do with this, he seems to ask- what uses can I put this to? Coupled with the Five, it points to a new direction, and a new way of using gifts. But first must come understanding- to understand is to harness power. Not to exploit, but to work with rather than against. So whatever this thing is, it'll prove very interesting, and possibly very useful!

The tenth and final position represents the outcome- given things that are in place and that have transpired, ceteris parabis, as my old economics professor used to say (all other things constant), this is what you can expect. Here was the 3 of Pentacles and The Moon. An odd combination, I thought. Here we have the 3, pointing to productivity and industriousness- taking that new learning and putting it to great use, and The Moon, a warning against confusion and illusion- penetrate the veil of illusion, and see what's truly there. Upon closer examination, this makes a degree of sense- though there may be this brave new world to explore, don't let the Fool's bag get left by the wayside- don't get caught up in your own or someone else's illusion, is the message here.

So whatever this new direction is, I'll wait and see, trying not to miss anything, and trying not to miss anything. I know what direction I want to go, what my spirit/ghost/heart/prana/choose your term tells me to do and follow- I'm here, I'm looking, so let the sun (or the Star, as the case may be) shine in.

Dear Prudence

I've been fighting gravity since I was two.

-Les Claypool

Tomorrow is Monday, the 7th of February. It's raining right now, vastly increasing the already-epic amounts of slush all over the roads. Oklahoma weather- need I say more? Tomorrow also marks the two-year mark from which I first met one Tabatha "Kitty" Rich. I could say the rest is history, but not exactly. Tabatha has been through a lot with me, and we've been through a lot together. I can't say it's all been roses, and at least some of this was due to me repeating past mistakes. Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Though I'm occasionally a slow learner, I'm glad to see that things are improving. If you had told me two years ago I'd be sitting alone in an Oklahoma townhouse with an E-4 salary writing this, I probably wouldn't have believed you. Or maybe I would, I was drinking a good deal more than I should at the time. But nonetheless, I find myself in agreement with Tabatha- change can't come soon enough, and it's unfortunate that we're caught here waiting. We have our own itinerary, and time, the universe and events just don't seem to get that. What's the use of having time if you can't bend it to your will?

Well, at any rate, here we are. Two years ago tomorrow evening I was meeting Tabatha for the first time, I think we had been chatting online the night before, discussing Spongebob pajama pants, among other things. The first movie we saw together was Walk The Line, both of us being big Johnny Cash fans. Tabatha got me enjoying country music, which I never really liked before, and I guess I got her into Rob Zombie, at least I think so. She also encouraged me, and it was her I thought of on those long ruck marches during basic training, out in the Georgia heat. It was Tabatha I was up half the night talking to during AIT, and daydreaming of during fire guard shifts, and it was Tabatha who sent me a picture of what she imagined the live grenade range looked like- actually pretty accurate!

So as I write this, the question comes to mind- has my life been a long series of mistakes, of ego getting in the way of what I should have been doing all along? That's not an easy question to answer. I'd like to think everything happens for a reason, beyond that of causes and consequences. You can tell me something till you're blue in the face, (as the very same Tabatha likes to point out) but often unless I experience it first hand, it doesn't sink in. So perhaps if I've learned from these false starts, bad moves and wrong directions, then my life has been both a learning experience and a preparation for something greater. Wasn't it Pogo, comic strip character of legend, who sagely noted, "We have seen the enemy, and he is us"? The something greater is now- just wish I had gotten started a lot earlier! I wish I had met Tabatha a lot earlier too, but then again, perhaps many of the experiences I've had, even the ones that left scars, physical or otherwise, would be missing, and I'd be destined to those same mistakes. I can see how this would be, to some extent. Had I met Tabatha earlier, I wouldn't have had a lot of the wisdom I have now, and would perhaps never have become what I am now.

There's another aspect to consider, as well- the past is what can't be changed, and the future is not yet written. What we can do is prepare for the future in the present- what you have on hand, and how you make use of it, determines your experience to come, for better or worse. There's no dress rehearsal, this is the only shot you get. Again, I wish I had known that ten years ago, but perhaps in so doing, I can help other people to avoid the same mistakes I've made.
There have been some good points though, and I suppose that's true for anyone. At least now I can begin to make sense of this existence, and get some clear perspective on what the heck I'm supposed to be doing here in the first place. Not a life, but a life well lived, is to be chiefly valued, as Socrates said. At least, I think it was Socrates.
In the hopes of another two years with my lady love, and beyond that, a lifetime. I can't think of a life better lived, with more excellent people in it, friends and family, than I have had in my 32 years on this spinning ball of mirth.

In The Kitchen Of Danger

And the hits just keep on coming! Well, actually it's a typical cold Friday in Oklahoma, filled with not much of anything. I have the place to myself this weekend, which probably means sleeping late and reading a few books, then staying up late to watch horror movies. Life is good.

Today was pretty uneventful, though the snow, ice and slush is more or less melted into just slush at this point- very messy, but at least it's warmer, at least for the time being. There are various promotion type activities going on, which is good. There was also a barracks inspection, which reminded me that I need to do dishes tonight. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the epic tale that is my life.

So screw life. Life is boring. I think I'll just make stuff up. Let's see, here goes...

I could tell the second she walked through my door she was trouble. Red hair, blue eyes, curves in all the right places. I could tell right away too I would take the case.

"What do you know about Egyptology, Mr. Diamond?"

She cut right to the chase. I like that. No question of fees or references. Either she had done her research or she was desperate for help. That, and the dynamiting of Devil's Reef was still all over the papers. Funny, I lost my appetite for seafood after that case. Where the Waites got their money from, I never asked.

"I think I can help you," I said.

I had taken cases that most PIs thought too weird to handle. The case of Edward Waite was one of them. He had been a very unsettling person, I could see why no one wanted to work for him. Something about how his eyes seemed to stare, and never blink. But business was business.

"I believe my family to be cursed," she said. "For generations, no member of my family has survived past their thirty-third birthday. I am now thirty-two. I want you to find why this is."

Just my luck. She's either nuts or I'm about to have one of those days.

"My fees are..." I began.

"Money is no issue, Mr. Diamond", she interrupted. "I want answers, not negotiation".

_

Year of The Rabbit, Season of the Witch

Today marks the second day of the new moon, and the first day of the Chinese new year. It's the year of the Rabbit, which apparently means things will settle down a bit. Actually, I tend to think that will vary from person to person, but perhaps they're thinking in a broader sense. Last time I looked, Egypt isn't very well settled in. Our hopes go with them, that things will indeed settle down. Seems people do excel at looking at differences between each other- any reason to kill someone else. The human brain is arranged like that- when we see a brain, we see generally a big gray wrinkly mass- this is the cerebral cortex, the highest (literally and figuratively) center of human cognition. Spread across this wrinkled surface are billions and billions of neurons- the wrinkles are there to increase surface area- think of it as taking a big sheet of paper and wadding it up- same surface area, smaller volume needed to contain it. Below this is the animal brain, the amygdala. Most instincts come from here, as do patterns that don't require conscious thought. This brain structure is mirrored in animals, curiously enough. Below that, of course, is the brainstem. This is kind of the engineering section of the nervous system- here as well as below in the spinal cord are reflexes, such as pulling one's hand away when it gets burned. (this, it's been speculated, are due to the fact that nerve impulses have a shorter distance to travel). Here also are your autonomic body functions- blood pressure, heart rate, respiration, cellular metabolism, to some degree, and overall non-voluntary functions.

The point of this being, I find it interesting that our intellect is 'highest' in our brains, while our animalistic and violent tendencies, as well as food foraging and gratification instincts, are in the part of our brains mostly animal. If we did evolve, it looks like our brains kind of added on, like an old farmhouse- from the older, more primal areas there were added a massive cortex, capable of thousands of thoughts in the blink of an eye. Which one we use, it seems, is still up to us.

Today was a pretty interesting day, I finally managed to get the car unstuck, with much smoking of tires and at some point a cracked radiator. How this happened, I don't really know, I had never seen the like before. I've seen radiators split, or the coolant reservoirs or supply lines split, but that's usually wide open, resulting in engine failure. This was a smallish crack, resulting in a stream of coolant leaking out- like most liquids, antifreeze expands when heated, and found a convenient way to let off pressure, all over the ground and the engine. So, one dose of epoxy later, the crack is sealed up, though this will continue to represent a major weak point in the coolant system. Under ideal circumstances, I can swap out radiators with my old Ford and keep on chugging. Luckily I caught that before the pressure pushed the crack out even further, though. Hopefully there are no stray cats out there tonight, as they seem to have a taste for antifreeze. Antifreeze is also a potent neurotoxin, and I hear the convulsions it causes are quite painful. So don't drink it, guys and gals.

Apart from that, not much has been shaking lately. It was too cold to start most of the trucks, so we went out bopping around with a Tesla box (I've never heard the actual name of these, but that's what we call them). It's basically a big battery with jumper cables on it, designed to jump massive truck batteries. It works fairly well, actually. And the battle rages on between the 'higher-ups', as they're called, and us motor pool grunts. The higher ups tell us one thing, and we then proceed to follow the letter of the law... It reminds me a bit of that old fairy tale about the girl who was under a curse of obedience- whatever she was told to do, she had to do without fail. At some point, she figured out that she could kind of subvert the system; the cook told her to go get almonds- she does, one in each hand. Sometimes it's the small victories that get us through the day. Unfortunately, lacking any other productive use for our considerable talents, we have to go all F-Troop on their collective behinds. So be it, I still get paid the same.

My roommate is either in or on his way to the great state of Texas, for a much-needed (and much-earned!) vacation. Good for him! Strange how quiet the place is with only one of us knocking around here. But though I admit to a good deal of stress lately, I've found the ability to laugh and find humor in my situation again, and feel a joy I can't quite put a name to. Not bouncing-off-the-walls happy, (I have medication for that) but rather a kind of peace- the situation is really not that bad- could be worse, could be better. But it's my situation, and I'll do the best I can with it, and in the end, go to sleep at night knowing no man could have done more.

Complete non sequitur time- the antifreeze I put in my car bears a strong resemblance to the reagent used in the Reanimator movies. I don't know if it's a good idea to attempt to reanimate the dead with it, though. I bet they'd run well in any temperature, though. Besides, I really don't want to be 'that guy', who precipitates a zombie apocalypse. Come to think of it, there must be something about green fluid that brings dead people back to a semblance of life-the Return of The Living Dead movies had Trioxin 245, originally used as an herbicide, later discovered to be highly volatile and fatal to humans, who then came back to life as zombies, as well as having dead-resurrecting properties. Also a green liquid, though usually in a gaseous state at normal temperatures.
Well, probably not a good idea to use antifreeze or any other poisonous chemical for anything other than its intended purpose. (Safety disclaimer). I've heard horror stories of hardcore alcoholics drinking antifreeze when a more potable avatar of ethanol was not available. Death inevitably results. So where am I going with this? I don't remember, I must have antifreeze on the brain lately, ha ha. Well, the upside is it keeps the car running. This could be useful, as apparently Oklahomans are now preparing for Armageddon- the universal message I received from my coworkers- stay away from Wal Mart. Traffic has inexplicably increased a hundred times over, perhaps due to the large number of accidents popping up. This in part is due to no snowplows (...) but also to just plain bad driving. Does it make sense to gun your four-wheel drive-bigger-than-my-ego truck right out of a dead stop? No, predictably whichever tires lose traction go swinging wildly about, resulting in, yep, you guessed it, no control of the vehicle whatsoever. Results are predictable. But then, there is hope for the spring, if not better drivers.

Well, don't drink the antifreeze, Mad Dog, Night Train or Thunderbird (believe me brothers and sisters, it ain't the word), and stay well.

Origins

Okay, I admit it. I'm not infallible. I'm not always a completely objective and rational agent- most people tell me emotions and feelings make me human- granted, but they occasionally get in the way, clouding my judgement. The only solution then is to recognize when I'm feeling strongly about something, and take a step back before deciding anything. And while I'm mastering that particular skill, I think I'll find a way to synthesize gasoline out of Democrats, thus creating a use for them and solving the energy crisis. I figure the two are about as likely to occur. But though I say a lot of things, and tend to vent now and again, I don't make irrevocable decisions lightly. I remember that once I was proud to wear my uniform, even if it is a pain in the ass to squeeze into my dress uniform. But more than that, I had done things other people were either unwilling or unable to do. Some of them, admittedly, any sane person wouldn't do- but I've been made the better for it. No time-worn analogies of the victory forge, or anything like that. I did what needed to be done. Whether or not that makes me a hero, I leave to better minds than mine to decide. Though I still have no peace when I think of the next phase of life, what it entails or does not, I don't quit, nor do I give up. I've had worse than this and am still standing, so I figure that might be the clue I'm looking for at this point in time. I'd like to think so, at any rate. I'm afraid there are so rarely blacks and whites, rather just varying shades of gray. Life was simpler back then- but the rules haven't changed.

Also, happy belated Imbolc, and happy belated St. Brigid's Day. It's the day when, we hope, the days get longer and warmer. At the moment, the winds have dropped the temperature well below freezing- clearly, the universe has a warped sense of humor. But more than that, it's a promise of change, the one constant in the very same universe. And though I hate to admit it, I find that more often than not what I think will happen and what actually does are two widely different things. Though I can tell what happens in other people's lives more clearly, I tend to have a self-sized blind spot, though looking back in hindsight, everything makes perfect sense. Physician, heal thyself, I guess. But I'll follow this thread, see what unravels.
Well, guess that's all the news from here. I remain mystified by Oklahoma's ineffectual response to this bush-league snowstorm. The governor declares a state of emergency- but Lawton fails to dispatch a single snow plow. Amazing. Fort Sill shuts down- this is understandable, as there's only so much mess even a track vehicle can muddle through, and besides, the sub-zero temperatures can affect any equipment we may be called upon to use. And Lawton fails to dispatch a single snow plow. Did I already say that? I just found it so mind-bending that I thought it deserved more than one mention. Amazing. Perhaps our civic leaders indulged in the Tenafly Viper.

An Unexpected Day Off

Please enjoy yet another random Youtube video- those of us who remember back in the day will recall this movie in its original grainy-print glory, in which the aforementioned robot acts as a guide for the giant instect (cockroach?) monster Megalon, who, like many giant monsters, sleeps under the ground, only to be awoken by some overly elaborate and choreographed display. Then of course Godzilla shows up, and Jet Jagu-however-the-hell-you-say-it helps him out. General madness ensues, as the bad guys who may or may not live at the bottom of the ocean realize their plans to steal a robot to control a monster fail. This may seem a little superfluous to anyone else, as the monster pretty much runs amok without the guidance of the robot. Okay, with me so far? But isn't that usually the point of unleashing a giant monster in the first place? Perhaps they wanted to save the shopping district, or there were some buildings of historical value- "Okay, Megalon, we want you to stop when you get to the corner of 30th and Mason- there's a Honda dealership on your right, turn at the light, go down three blocks and look for a red house on the left. Stomp that one, that's my ex-wife's place."

At any rate, Lawton got something of a storm- no great shakes in comparison to some of the nor'easters I've seen, and actually are currently going on right now in the hallowed tree-lined streets of Connecticut, but this is the south- the drivers down here are cut from a different cloth of insanity. I have a sneaking suspicion this is why the post closed down, that people down here simply shut that part of their brains down containing things like motor control (I meant the body, but that's a funny double meaning there) and common sense. Well, at any rate, it's not a good idea to go driving around in the snow anyway, if it can be avoided, but there are of course safety measures one can take. Of course, if everyone else has thrown caution to the wind and is running around like pinballs, well, you'd perhaps be better off walking. I don't really have anywhere to go today anyway, but would like to get my space a little more cleaned up. Seems like there's always chaos creeping in, and once in a while we need to go in and set things straight. That, and vacuum.

Tabatha posted a new blog about horses- it was interesting, especially seeing the deep connection she has to them. It's surprising how she gets along with them- I admit, I know very little about horses except they're large and can run fast, and are known for strength. (Hey, sounds like me, except for the running fast part, ha ha). I tend to think horses would consent to be ridden rather than people taming them- horses outweigh your average person by hundreds of pounds, are quite stronger and probably more dangerous than your average person, what with a large, heavy body, lots of muscle and hard hooves that probably could do some damage when used by a determinedly pissed-off animal. Yet humans can ride them! This is yet one more mystery in a world of mysteries, yet that's just the way it is, to quote Walter Cronkite yet again. I don't really have much contact with horses, though the quartermaster here at Fort Sill keeps a team of big black horses, (more tradition than practicality, though cavalry also makes use of horses for ceremonial occasions too). They are pretty nice animals, having run by their paddock on occasion when I was in the barracks and stopping to say hello. Horses are often also a representation of strength and channeled power- that is, raw strength being harnessed, and put to productive ends. Again, another mystery in a world of mysteries.

Well, today my goal is to do something productive. I admit, this day off was a much-needed reprieve- I know it's my job to work hard, but we all need a break once in a while. I'm beginning to think a good deal of the lack of energy and difficulties I've been going through are largely mental in nature- so a chance to recharge and renew my batteries is a welcome one indeed. To the vacuum cleaner!