Origins and Outcomes

Against most odds, I made it to Friday. I't's been a long week, though bringing me that much closer to my leave date. Last night found me out and about, helping a friend of mine move from an apartment to a house- it took a little longer than I expected, but that's ok, I was glad to help. I had spent an hour or so prior pounding out my frustrations at the gym, leaving me with a couple sore joints, but generally feeling much better. I have to be careful not to overdo things- a good deal of fatigue in the body can be overcome, and you can literally go until your body completely fails. Does this sound like a good idea? Didn't think so.

Later that evening I happened to catch an old movie I really enjoy- The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The Eighth Dimension. Despite having a long and more than a little silly title, it's actually not a bad movie. Peter Weller, later of Robocop fame, plays the soft-spoken and likable title character, along with a few later to be famous actors- Clancy Brown, later to appear in Starship Troopers, and the voice of Mr. Krabs on Spongebob, as well as Jeff Goldblum. It focuses on Dr. Buckaroo Banzai, kind of a Renaissance man of the scientific world and neurosurgeon, as well as something of a superhero, acting for the good of the world at large. This made me realize something I hadn't before- back in my younger days, when I was an avid fan of string theory, chaos-vs-complexity, and all that fun, nonlinear mathematical type stuff, I realized that in the midst of this something that I doubt I'll ever be able to prove in this lifetime- that the universe is organized. We first saw this with people doing similar work to this movie- the results, or attempted results, were called GUTs- Grand Unified Theories. The intent of these scientific heretics was to provide a way to understand the universe and everything in it- to explain it away and to remove the mystery, in other words. The death or proof of God, depending on which side of the fence you're on. Mathematics is said to be the universal language (and here I thought it was French), but this has greater implications beyond being able to communicate ideas. Anything, as you probably know, dear reader, that can be quantified, that is, assigned a numerical representation, can then be understood in terms of mathematics. The degree of understanding depends on the accuracy and completeness of the numbers designated to represent it. To simplify- everything operates according to mathematical principles- you do, I do, machines do, subatomic particles do, the past, present and future do. However, here's the rub, as Shakespeare said- we simply don't have the mathematics, let alone the capacity to understand the sheer complexity of these mathematical operations. It's like someone who knows how to drive, but can't fix an engine- you know it works, and can observe the end results, but the internal mechanisms, what makes it work, remain a mystery.

So by extension, someone or other once said any sufficiently advanced technology (I'm drawing kind of a rough parallel here) will appear as magic to someone who doesn't know how it works. Enter the Tarot- here, I found, is a system to take a kind of cross-section of this larger mathematical pattern. A kind of GUT without the science. In non-linear mathematics, one can take any cross section of the results for a given equation and determine that equation. This in turn allows you to perfectly predict results. Again, we may not know exactly why this equation is in place, but we can understand the mechanism behind it, and harness that mechanism to provide the results we are looking for. I admit, I don't fully understand the exact mechanism of how it works, but every part of the greater whole reflects that pattern present in the whole. The implications go very far beyond what may be readily apparent here- basically, grasp the pattern, make it work for you, and you become God. Some of us have less lofty (not to mention saner) goals, simply wishing to make the world a better place, and to cease being, also as Shakespeare said, fortune's fool. Nonetheless, the world continues to turn, whether or not I happen to be aware of it at the moment.

Long Time Coming

It's Tuesday afternoon, another day down in what looks to be a long week. At least it's moving along. We're back to doing PT in the mornings, which is a welcome change. I wonder, did I miss a full moon, or is everyone acting like a pack of fools around here lately? I'm not that interested in anyone's approval, and this seems to be a major difference between me and people I work with. Not all of them, of course. Nor even those of the E5 and below persuasion, it seems. I refuse to advance my career by brown-nosing, never have never will. I'd rather stand on my own merits, and to hell with office politics, I have work to do.

Glad I got that out of my system. Tabatha mentions she can't quite 'see' as clearly as usual. Neither can I. Sometimes things shift course- it happens. Like sometimes you find yourself in a really good mood, and you're not sure why. Someone once told me it's a blessing from Buddha- sounds like as good a reason as any! How exactly that fits into the larger context we have I don't know, but I'm sure it does. I don't need to know every gasoline molecule in the vapor to know my car works, I just assume it's there and working, and the results generally seem to support this conclusion. Nonetheless, I'd be interested to know what's going on. I think what it is is simply that I'm in a position to make things happen, and so will do so. No sense being afraid, doubting or prevaricating when the way ahead seems clear. Though that's a good time to be cautious, it shouldn't be at the expense of opportunity.

Also, in 12 days I'll be heading back to Connecticut, way up north. Interesting that I now think "up north", something most New Englanders don't use in everyday conversation. At any rate, it'll be good to get home, see friends and family again, and get the hell away from Fort Sill for a much-needed breather. So far I haven't gone completely around the bend, though not for lack of prompting in this particular area. There's only so much I can let roll off, seeing as time in the gym is somewhat limited. and lately I've been coming home feeling like the walking dead. But at least today's run was a good one- I enjoyed getting out there, though it was a little cold, (New England's going to be rough on my Southernized frame, no doubt). On the upside, I got to dispose of some stress, though the problems remain. Supposedly exercise means your body releases endorphins, which help you relax. Admittedly, it was a little dark, I was more focused on not falling flat on my face because I tripped over something (wouldn't be the first time), but coming back in it put me in a good mood for the morning. And I ran around like a dervish trying to get all the forms I needed together for leave, which I managed to do, happily. Tomorrow is Wednesday, also a good thing, as I have this Friday off. I'm going to hopefully have good luck car shopping, my Chevy is sending forth an ominous death rattle now and again, and frankly I don't think repairs are really worth it at this point. So instead of another Saturday-night-special of a car, I figured I'd see what I can do in regards to a more reliable mode of transportation. Around here, especially during the summer, I'm thinking a bicycle would fill in fairly well, especially with the cost of gas as it is, though riding a bike in full armor strikes me as a less than desirable alternative on say, a day when I go to the range. It would make negotiating traffic much more fun though- go ahead, hit me! I'm pretty sure if it can stop a bullet, it can stop a car. Well, that'll have to remain in the realm of the hypothetical, at least for now. I'm counting the days until the weekend, never a very good sign. But life goes on.

Prometheus Unbound

It's Sunday, and not much to do. I'm kind of looking forward to work tomorrow, as it means I get to go file leave paperwork. This is a good thing. Apart from that, there's not really much to report here- except being back in Oklahoma, in my own apartment. And sleeping on a bed rather than the couch! Tabatha pointed out that in fact the last time I slept on a bed (apart from the barracks in New Mexico, that is) was the last time I was in Connecticut. I also slept outside, on a folding table, in a truck cab, and in the passenger seat of a Humvee- given the option, I'll take the bed. I'm not sure if that makes a difference, but I didn't wake up in the middle of the night anymore. The trend of weird dreams continues unabated, however. I dreamed Tabatha and I were fighting- and aliens were invading. Life is all about priorities.

On another note, if anyone has seen the third book in the Frankenstein series by Dean Koontz, please let me know! I've read the first, second and fourth, and am eagerly awaiting publication of the fifth. Most of the events of this missing book I can extrapolate from references in the fourth, but still, I'd like to see exactly how certain events pan out here and there. It's actually a really good series, Dean Koontz fan or no. It takes place after the events of Mary Shelley's story- Frankenstein's first creation is alive and well, and possessed of unusual powers, due to the fact that he was the only being Frankenstein created to be brought to life by lightning. Frankenstein himself is also alive, having continued his research and developing a way to extend his own life. His designs have grown to god-like proportions, and he can now create living beings from scratch in a matter of months. He imagines himself as a god over this new race of beings, though they tend to go awry on more than one occasion. No longer strictly a human being, he ultimately must deal with the consequences of his actions. Meanwhile his first creation, calling himself Deucalion, is trying to bring him down, despite being unable to harm his creator. The books then span years and most of North America, as well as a few other continents, as things go from bad to worse.

The interesting thing about this series, I always thought, was that Victor Frankenstein becomes the monster. I noticed this in the original book too. His creation became a monster, he was not born (or created) one. The creature was forced to react as a monster would react, as he was made a monster by his interaction with others, and how others treated him. Victor, however, had the option to change things. He rejected his creation, turning away in horror from what he had done. Had he taken responsibility for this unwilling monster, the monster would have become what he was capable of without the intervening death and destruction. The creature ultimately does gain some semblance of humanity, while Victor loses his. We end up feeling sorry for this creature who did not ask or choose his existence, and vilify Victor as the monster for dooming someone to this fate- especially when it was in his power to prevent that. The Koontz books continue onwards from there- at this point Victor willingly throws aside his humanity in his lust for power and control over the world. Yet one more way to make a monster, it seems.

So out of all of this, I get the message- be mindful. Yes, I know that's kind of a Buddhist party line, but bear with me for a minute. Consider all options carefully, not just as far as creating life and raising the dead are concerned. We all to a one have the potential to become monsters- and we all have the potential to be much much more than that.

30 Days In the Desert

I'm currently back in Oklahoma, having traveled here from the Texas-New Mexico border. There I was at the White Sands missile range, which was an interesting month-long training exercise. A few things went wrong, a few things went right, but mostly things just went. I'd like to say it was a great training experience, but rather it was being kind of left to my own devices that seems to have made the most difference. I got to thinking, as I often do, and the result was perhaps more than anything else that I tend to get in my own way- second-guessing, procrastinating, and prevaricating, and a few other big words too. But at any rate, I made it a point to remember these things, and keep them in mind as I go back to what passes for regular life around here.

Out on the range, we had a live-fire exercise for our long-range artillery. I didn't get to fire the rockets (outside of my training) but did get to see them go off. That was pretty interesting! It pretty much looks like a big rocket firing, then going boom. But still, a new experience for me.

One odd thing, or perhaps not so odd, was the number of crows that seemed to follow me around. It turns out I was born with a crow or raven as a totem animal, which doesn't surprise me, but admittedly I didn't know that at the time. It seems to fit, though. Apparently the main difference between crows and ravens is that ravens are a little bigger. I also learned that owls will prey on crows- while chatty as anything during the day, crows tend to be quiet at night. They're also extremely intelligent, and tend to get into stuff. All the time I was down there, I saw crows hanging around, seeming to caw at me and watch me. Okay, I said. Perhaps the crows don't have much to do out in the desert. The really curious thing was that the whole drive back to Oklahoma, two huge crows (or were they ravens? Again, not sure what the difference is) were circling and following my truck as I drove, seeming to dip down to remind me that they were there. It was strangely comforting to see them flying along. Odin, the Norse god, is said to have two ravens- Huginn and Muninn, who go flying around the world all day and kind of report back to him at the end of the day with all manner of news of what's going on in the world. Beats CNN, I guess! Huginn , I'm told, means thought, and Muninn, wisdom. There's a surprising amount of symbolism attached to this idea- with thought and wisdom, one can examine the world around them. It seems that crows and ravens are usually associated with mysticism too, that they kind of keep the secrets and keep learning, and are also protectors. Perhaps because they do what I've seen them doing, sit up somewhere high and call out what's going on around them- they actually do seem to have different calls for this and that, and seem to like to call to each other- perhaps telling the other crows what they see. At any rate, I thought it was interesting.

Apart from that, I'm getting ready to roll (or fly, as the case may be) back to Connecticut shortly, in about two weeks. It's time for some much-needed time away from work, and time to tie up some loose ends too- also much needed. Again, if I can get out of my own way long enough to get stuff done!

I also earned my driver's badge when out in the field- basically, driving 1000 miles accident-free for the Army means just another feather in my cap, which is fine with me. The drive was about 600 miles one way, so I figure round trip puts me well in that category. It made me think about driving long-haul, also. Perhaps only locally, or along the east coast, but I love trucks, and love driving them. Maybe that's a guy thing, I don't know. But at any rate, stick with what you're good at, I've often heard. I may not be able to reenlist for my current MOS, in which case I'll be giving some serious thought to driving commercially. But fortunately I don't need to make that decision quite yet, there's still a year or so to go before my contract is up. In the meanwhile, time to relax and take it easy this weekend!