The Year In Review

This time,
Don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
My god, amazing how we got this far
It's like we're chasing all those stars
Who's driving shiny big black cars,
And every day I see the news-
all the problems that we could solve...
-Secrets, One Republic

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now...
Hayley Williams, Airplanes


2011 In Review- The Songs
Here's a list of songs that have been significant, had some profound meaning, or generally just reflected the sentiments of this past year- I would make a playlist, but I'm not that technologically proficient, besides, most of them you can look up anyway- so here goes, 2011 in songs!
Du Hast, Rammstein
400 Bucks, Reverend Horton Heat
Fashion Freak, Naked Ape
Brutal Planet, Alice Cooper
Keeper Of The Stars, Tracy Byrd
Gods and Punks, Monster Magnet
My Girlfriend's Girlfriend, Type O Negative
Space Lord, Monster Magnet
Secrets, One Republic
Clap Your Hands, Pale Young Gentleman
Airplanes, B. O. B.
Bring Me To Life, Evanescence
Paralyzer, Finger Eleven




So it's the end of the year, and it's been an interesting one! I kind of feel like I missed a great deal of goings-on, being over here in Afghanistan, but the new year promises adventure and moving forwards by leaps and bounds! I've learned a lot, and been through a great deal of new experiences, and hopefully am a better person because of them. My main goal for 2012 is nothing too grand, but rather just get home to my family, and my dear wife. It seems like I spend more time apart than I do at home, but I guess sometimes that's the cost of service. But all this time has been a learning experience- what works, what doesn't. Can that really be translated into, for lack of a better term, a better life? I'd like to think so, and am still wondering if really it's true that this world is what we make of it. Omnes Mundum Facimus, as I read in a book once. Bad Monkeys, by Matt Ruff, if you ever get a chance to read it. Highly recommended. It translates as the world is what we make it- our actions, decisions and choices make the world we live in. This has been a big part of this year for me, and probably the culmination of a long process- discovering that first, if you don't act, you get acted upon, and can either be a force for change or ride the waves. This second is not always a good thing, as you may find yourself somewhere you don't want to be. It's not so much being aggressive as it is kind of following the Wiccan definition of magic, of all things- create change in accordance with will. Sounds simple, but there's a catch- know what your will is. It's not what you want to do, what would be good, but rather, what you can do to shape the world the way you want it. One of my biggest fears is, well, the unknown. Is the economy really that bad? Will I be struggling to find employment if I can't reenlist in the Army? Are there sweeping budget cuts across the DOD to prevent us from reenlisting? It's not exactly a cake job, but it pays the bills, and if possible I'll stick with it. But if not, will I end up pushing carts at Wal Mart and flipping burgers to make ends meet? If so, I don't have a problem with that, as long as I can take care of the family, I'll call it good. There are supposedly lots of opportunities out there for ex-military, if it comes to that, and I have lots of useful qualifications that will give me an edge in the job market. But it comes down to the simple fact that I haven't had to look for work, and don't know what the situation looks like. Is this another example of the world being what you make of it? We can only pull ourselves up by our bootstraps so much, we need the government on our side, and to be honest, the government no longer has any real relation to the people it claims to represent. When was the last time you were able to express concerns to an elected representative? The local municipal level, sure- but try getting the attention of anyone on Capitol Hill, and you're way ahead of me.
But at the same time, I'm cautiously optimistic. I have tons of motivation. It reminds me of that Monty Python sketch about jumping over the English Channel- "you see, if you're five miles out over the English Channel with nothing but sea underneath you, there's a very great impetus to stay in the air." So I'm hoping that momentum carries me through whatever comes next, and that I can translate that into success. I know not all wealth is measured in money, though. Well, all I can do is hope, work hard, and then work hard some more. When a rock meets an immovable force we have one of two things- either my daughter and my ex-wife, or something's got to give. I often complain about how I can't see the whole picture, just the next step. Go figure, I can read the future (so to speak) for other people, yet there are areas of my own life that aren't crystal clear- just a general sense of what's going on, details to follow. But I know I'm on the right track, and intend to stay there. My wish for this upcoming year is for all of us to find our true calling, go where we need to go, and never back down when we face a challenge- because challenges are the things that make us grow. I've found staying in a comfort zone can be, well, comfortable, but remaining there, we stagnate and don't move forwards. Perhaps at some point you get where you need to be, and can look back and say, okay, I did it. I'm not there yet- I think I can at least envision that place, and perhaps even how to get there. But in the meantime, the road ahead is clear but long, and as Lao Tzu said, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Year Six

Recently I had some insight on something I had never really grasped- what a surprise, it's a Tarot card. It's the Six of Cups, which is a card of balance, like all the Sixes. Interestingly, 2012 divided by six produces a repeating decimal- 335.333... and so on. There might be some profound significance to this, I just thought it was kind of cool. But at any rate, back to the cards. The Six of Cups has often been identified as 'nostalgia', looking backwards and fond memories. With this is the emotional context of those memories. But the past can trap people- a good example is the thoroughly creepy Miss Haversham from Dickens' Great Expectations. Here's a woman trapped by an event in her past- in her case, getting stood up at the altar, hence the Miss. At the time of the story, she has not left her house since the wedding, and has not changed or moved anything- including the wedding cake. This is kind of missing the point, however. Though the past can provide positive emotions, it shouldn't control us, and this is what the card is pointing to. All the Sixes have balance as a common thread- here, that balance is expressed in drawing strength from the past, but perhaps using that strength to move out of a comfort zone and avoid stagnation in the present. When the time comes to move forwards, it's best to act, not wait.
The remaining three Sixes reflect this as well- first, the Six of Swords- commonly associated with travel, it represents moving from one place to another, in some sense of the term. But it carries the sense of moving from some established place to the unknown- a foundation for further exploration, one could say. I particularly liked one version of the card I've seen, which has the common (read: Rider-Waite symbolism) of a boat with six swords in it. In this case, the boat is leaving across a lake, at the shore of which is a burning house. Seems pretty clear there, though this might be a rather extreme example.
Next, the Six of Wands- here we also see a balance- the card commonly represents victory, and the accolades coming from a victory. Here the balance is on the one hand, what led up to this victory in the first place. On the other, the potential coming from it- often victories, whatever form they take, can lead to a positive set of conditions for new growth and development. So here is both realized potential and unrealized potential.
The Six of Pentacles represents altruism, and giving. The type of giving here is that which benefits everyone- the Law of Three, as Wiccans like to quote, works both ways. Usually the law refers to negative or harmful actions- when these are done, the person who does them receives that energy back three times over. The same is true for positive or helpful actions- what benefits one person often has farther-reaching effects- benefiting more people than may have first been apparent. Here the focus is on resources, be they money, time, or other somewhat tangible assets. Again, there's a balance here. On the one hand, again we find a known- in this case, the resources that are given out. On the other, the potential good those resources can do.
So the common thread among the sixes is balance, though in two types- on the one hand we have an established foundation- that which we know. On the other hand, that which exists as potential until we make use of it. It's almost the end of the year, which means in a way we have the same situation- my wish is to take the positives from this year and use them to build a future, in essence. Move forwards, not back, from the good things that have happened this year to the potential for still greater good next year.
The Sixes in the Tarot are 'governed' or correspond to the Lovers card- another symbol of balance. Here we have two halves, be they a couple or some more abstract expression of paired and complementary opposites, and with this, the potential coming from that pair. The present combined with the potential of the future creates a kind of dynamic, bringing about change. Whether or not this change is for the better or worse remains up to us to decide.

The Known Unknown

Oh, Life on the outside ain't what it used to be.
Y'know, the world's gone crazy,
and it ain't safe on the streets.
Well, it's a drag, I know,
there's only one place to go.
Baby, back where I come from,
I'm comin' home.

Oh, Life on the inside ain't what it used to be.
Y'know, the kids have gone crazy,
and they'll stick you for a slice of cheese.
Oh, it's a drag, I know,
there's only one place to go.
Baby, back where I come from,
I'm comin' home.

-Cheeseburger, I'm Comin' Home
The weather has gotten much colder here, but apart from that it's pretty much business as usual. Today we cleaned out a sea trailer (like a semi's trailer without wheels) which we use for storage in the motor pool. It was pretty dinged up, which had happened before we got there, or before it came to its current location- no doubt many adventures could be told if its steel hide could speak! But we replaced it with a new one, and just as well, as we got a chance to reorganize it and dispose of a lot of the junk that accumulated there over the time it had been in use. Leave it a little better than you found it is the commonly followed rule in the Army. Speaking of which, my dear wife is over at our soon-to-be new house, in Ellington. I wound up doing a reading for the place, to see how everything looked there. Tabatha was telling me that there was only one place she felt unwelcome, and that was the basement. So I decided to see what could be seen. Luckily it turned out to be nothing major, just that the place had been standing empty for a while, and just needed to be cleaned out. Today my parents are headed over there to do that, so great big thank you to them! I recommended a protection spell on the house- I'm not overly familiar with smudging, which is what they'll be doing, and whether or not that includes protection. I tend to think of the two separately- first you clear it out, then you kind of seal it off, then you can fill it with what you want. But that's just me.
At any rate, it's becoming easier to do readings out here- there's the same energy running through here as there is back home, though it's harder to find. It's not strictly necessary to do readings, but helps tremendously! At any rate, I have a good feeling about this house. Again, I'm still shooting in the dark as to a great many of the reasons behind everything, but am doing pretty well! I've learned a lot out here, and gotten in pretty decent shape! The main thing has been to make that a habit, and go to get my daily dose of picking things up and putting them down even if all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep! There's some time period that if you do something for that long, it becomes a habit. I think it's two weeks, I don't know. At any rate, it's getting so I feel like I need to get through that part of my routine. (I know, obsessive-compulsive people say the same thing, but this seems more a matter of comfort and yes, habit than anything else). I'm running a good deal too, to offset the potential of just getting big and bulky and not having the lung power to back it up. Besides, it's usually more interesting to run outside, but not in sub-zero-smells-like-burning-tires-next-to-the-chemical-plant Bagram! And you can wear headphones on the treadmill, something you can't do outside for safety reasons.
Thus pass most of my days, and at night we go out on patrol or perhaps a daytime mission. I've learned the route from here to Kabul pretty well, and it's always something new to see in this strange land! So overall, things are positive here. But that song above has been stuck in my head for the past couple days- why now, I don't know. It actually appears in the (no longer on the air, I don't think) cartoon Superjail, which someone with way too much time on their hands came up with. While jail is not home, I'm glad to say, going out here does have the same surreal vibe that this cartoon does. You can probably catch a few episodes on adult swim or youtube. No, it really doesn't make any sense. Neither does life, most of the time. But you can just sit back, enjoy the ride, and go from there! I for one am indeed comin' home, though not just yet. Eight more weeks, and I'll be scrubbing down the floors, packing my duffel bags and catching a bird back to Oklahoma. If you're familiar with Fort Sill, you'll perhaps understand why the Superjail theme seems particularly apropos in this case. Besides, it's a catchy song.
But to more important matters- still, I'm not sure what happens next- what the next step on the path is. I'd like to reenlist, I do like having a stable job and not having too many worries. On the other hand, I'd sure like to spend a little more time with the family. Can the two be done together? Time will tell. I plan to explore all my options, and see where the road turns next. In the meantime, I'm having a hard time concentrating (or worrying, for that matter) about it, because I'm too busy getting excited about finishing my tour of duty up here and getting on homewards! From Oklahoma, I'll be soon taking yet another flight back to Connecticut! This is, of course, if my car ever gets fixed! That would be nice, and failing all else, I'll just do it when I get back there myself. In the meanwhile, back into the cold! Hope everyone has a great holiday, however you choose to mark the occasion, and I'll see you all on the other side!

When The Man Comes Around

The hairs on your arm will stand up
At the terror in each sip and in each sup
For you partake of that last offered cup
Or disappear into the potter's ground
When the man comes around
-Johnny Cash, When The Man Comes Around

I've been kind-of following articles on this so-called "war on Christmas". It's a little puzzling to me, and seemingly a little misplaced. In a nutshell, here's the skinny- a group or groups of people want to keep the Christian holiday in the forefront, and have retailers say "Christmas" instead of "Holidays", and generally want the "majority religion" (this is a direct quote from the website www.waronchristmas.com) represented in the secular world.
Wow, where do I start? Atheists are taking out bus ads (also a direct quote from previous), there are lists of retailers who are "pro-Christmas", and the list goes on. It seems that with all the wrongs in the world, this is a pretty minor one. Personally, I don't get offended when people say "Merry Christmas!" Thanks for the sentiments, I say, and I wish you the same! I don't really celebrate Christmas per se, as I'm not a Christian, but if a Jewish guy or gal came up to me and said "Happy Hannukah!" I'd appreciate it just as much, and wish them well, too! I hope these people do indeed have a merry Christmas, or a happy Hannukah! It's a time of year to look on the bright side of things, and be grateful for the life, family and friends we have. And to look forwards to the promise of a new year, and hope that things are forever looking up.
Now to the technical aspects of it. Let's see, there is indeed a Christian holiday that corresponds to the old Pagan holiday of Yule. The term, I'm told, comes from the Norse word iul, meaning wheel. During this time, it was thought that the Oak King (the ruler of the 'warm' half of the year) defeats and kills the Holly King (the ruler of the 'cold' half of the year.) Thus Yule marks the coming new year, though winter still holds sway over the land. It's a recognition that spring will come, and the hope and promise of that new year. I've also heard (less substantiated here) that Santa Claus represents the Holly King, and his ride to the Land of Shadows on the solar chariot. This is a little more of a rough approximation, I've found. But gifts are given to mark the occasion of these two Kings, one abdicating power, his time spent, and the other preparing to take the throne in his place.
Another Pagan aspect more or less preserved is that of lights and fire- the Celts would burn a Yule log, often of oak, symbolizing the Oak King. Having a fire is often a Christmas tradition, though its roots may simply be family tradition. Nowadays a variation on this is common, using a log with three candles in it (pagans are big on threes, in this case symbolizing the three forms of the Goddess, maiden, mother and crone). So point being, there's a good deal of Pagan symbolism that goes unnoticed in the modern Christmas celebration. The Christmas tree, also, predates Christianity.
However, this is not to say that Christmas is just Paganism in disguise. As time has gone on, the holiday has come to mean different things to different people. And everyone should be free to exercise their own traditions, and imbue them with their own meanings. As to whether Christianity is the "majority religion', who knows? It's certainly a prominent one. But I wonder, why are these War On Christmas people so worked up? Is Christianity going somewhere? If we don't see Christmas trees and hear carols (over and over and over, until we're ready to beat ourselves or someone else senseless with a Yule log...) the day after Thanksgiving, are we all going to start sacrificing goats and dancing around the Beltane fires? (Yes, I know it's nowhere near Beltane, just seemed like a convenient reference). Why do we need Christmas defended? First off, retailers are less concerned about Christmas than they are sales. Hell, if Halloween was a major gift-giving holiday, guess what we would see come the end of September? To say holidays instead of Christmas seems like an attempt to include other faiths and practices as well- kind of like "It's a time of year a lot of people celebrate Christmas, but if you don't celebrate Christmas, that's cool too, but have a good time anyway!" Kind of like a waiter saying "enjoy your meal". You could order a steak, and your waiter could be a vegetarian. See what I mean? It's an attempt to make things relative to each of us, I think. I kind of liked Jeff Schweitzer's comment in the Huffington Post- "A Christian complaining that Christmas is under attack when submerged in that holiday's ubiquitous presence is like a fish in the Pacific Ocean complaining that there is not enough water. A lone humanist swimming in the middle of that vast ocean would be hard pressed to agree that water was in insufficient supply".
From what I can gather, the concern is that we'll be forced to not celebrate Christmas- mobs of angry secularists will go from house to house, pulling down Christmas lights and burning Santa Claus in effigy, or something like that. Now here's the stinger- doesn't the fact that you, those in support of Christmas, want to celebrate your holiday in peace, mean that you by logical extension should grant the right to others? Do we have a right to be free of Christmas decorations, if they offend our (prurient?) sensibilities? Of course not, that's silly. Would a Christian get offended if someone has a Star of David tattoo as a symbol of pride in their Semitic origins? Or if someone wears a kilt because they are proud of their Scottish heritage? No- everyone has a right to individual freedom of expression, barring anything illegal or harmful to others. If your skin is that thin that this type of display might offend you, I suggest that the problem lies not with those people who choose to decorate the house, but rather with you yourself. I think Christmas lights are cool, and like to see the displays people go through the trouble to put up. It's kind of a Christmas gift (or Yule gift, or Hanukkah gift, or whatever) that they share with the rest of the world- hey, come check this out, hope it makes you smile! People are entitled to their opinions. I for one am all about the "Christmas skeleton" idea the wife and I concocted a while back- leftover Halloween decorations for Christmas. Sure, it doesn't make sense, but wouldn't it be good for a laugh? Stick a red hat on him, and there you go! Silliness ensues, and hopefully it has the same effect as more traditional Christmas decorations- making people smile!
So, drawing this rant to a close- it seems this isn't about Christmas going anywhere. Again, I'll observe Yule, and my thoughts will be with family and friends, both those here in Afghanistan and those back home. The War on Christmas seems to be little more than media hype, something to fill the headlines between what Charlie Sheen said about the Queen Elizabeth, Justin Bieber's ties to the Illuminati, and other things that, in the long run, no one really gives a damn about, and don't matter in the slightest. So here's to the Oak King, may his rule be prosperous for us all, and to the Holly King, may we welcome him again when the time comes for him to once again take his place.

Suicide Swamp Requiem

It's the start of a new week, and I've been getting down to the gym recently, something I haven't been doing recently, I hate to admit. But the good news is, my... what, abilities? Strength? Well, whatever the right word, it hasn't faded. I'm able to pick right up where I left off, instead of having to make up for lost time. I realized that the reason I hadn't been going is not lack of time, nor motivation, it's just that it became a chore and an obligation. Going to the gym, or going running, was always 'me' time. I did and still do track my progress, but the real reason I go is because I enjoy the flow of chi and the fact that exercise can really unwind you. And of course, the massive amounts of weight I can bench press and squat don't hurt, either. It's easy to become obsessive about these things, both your body and exercise, but the important thing is that it remains enjoyable. This is the most common reason I know for people not sticking to an exercise program- it's all work and no play, so to speak. So I like to make it fun, not stress about how much better I'm doing than last week, or anything like that. Being the 21st century hipster that I am, I'm not adverse to making use of technology, and have an application on my phone to kind of serve as a guide and tracker. It allows me to put together an exercise plan, that is, go into a kind of calendar and plug in what exercises I want to do that day, and then how much weight, how many reps, and all that stuff, I did. This is useful in keeping to a routine, and knowing how much of each exercise I can do- it's easy to forget how much you did previously if you don't keep track. Either that or I'm scatterbrained, probably a bit of both.
But the fun thing about this program is that it lets you name your workout routines. The ones that are pre-programmed are kind of basic. So I started coming up with interesting names. One routine is Monkey King Training, which has little to do with the figure of the Buddhist myths, it just sounds cool. I also set up a calisthenics and cardio routine identified in the list as Suicide Swamp training, in a throwback to my early days running trails. There are no real trails to speak of here in Afghanistan, and if there are, well, you'd do well to be running pretty darn fast on them, if you catch my meaning. But Suicide Swamp used to be one of my favorite ways to exercise. The name is a somewhat obscure reference to a video game from way back when, one of the JetMoto games. It was also an 'easter egg' in Twisted Metal 2- an unlockable secret level where you can run around in the course from the original game. But the Suicide Swamp I know and love will always be just off of the Hockanum River on the Manchester-East Hartford line in Connecticut, and was the Laurel Marsh hiking trail. The trail consisted of two parts- one was a short loop, the other was maybe three miles or so of varying terrain, intersecting with a nearby bicycle route at points, and crossing between the two towns. The terrain went from gravel trails to paved roads to difficult, steep terrain intersected with large rocks and tree roots- not good for biking on but great for a challenging run. And this is what makes running enjoyable, I find. Not just going out and pounding pavement for however long you run, but rather getting absorbed in your run, and I found the fact that I really needed to keep my eyes open helps a great deal. Running somewhere is, in and of itself, not one of the more interesting things you can do. However, watching where to put your next foot, clearing rocks, going off on spur trails and generally getting out there makes it enjoyable. A lot of people choose to run trails over city streets, and I definitely see the appeal. Of course, I had to really go nuts and occasionally go out of my way to find obstacles to go off of. New England is not ideal parkour territory, but you can make the nature trails work for you. Parkour is to running what crystal meth is to Red Bull, for those who haven't heard the term before. The basic rule is, don't go around, and it actually incorporates a good deal more of your body (and a great deal more risk) than just straight running. My personal favorite was the 'kickoff'- running at a wall or tree, something that won't get knocked down by you going up it, then jumping in the air, maybe taking a couple steps vertically up the surface (momentum is really your friend here) then, when you're running out of said momentum, kick off with one leg, sail through the air, and hope like hell you know where you're going to land. But my point in all this being, if you're going to exercise, don't make it a drag. Even pushups can be fun. A friend of mine has mastered the fine art of trash talking while doing pushups, making our morning pt sessions more fun. And I find this can apply to the rest of life, too. Life is not all fun and games, true enough. But you can see either roadblocks or challenges, and take that spirit of challenge into your daily life. I'm not suggesting you go catwalking across a railing three floors off the ground (seen this done, don't try it at home), but do know that each of us is a unique force in this world- we may not always be able to change the situation to exactly what we want, but we can always keep that never-say-die attitude alive. Well, that's my motivational poster for today. Keep up the good fight, and remember, we only get one life, at least this time around, so might as well make the most of it!

All Across The Universe

Hap
by Thomas Hardy
If but some vengeful god would call to me
From up the sky, and laugh:
"Thou suffering thing,
Know that thy sorrow is my ecstasy,
That thy love's loss is my hate's profiting!"

Then I would bear it, clench myself, and die,
Steeled by the sense of ire unmerited;
Half-eased in that a Powerfuller than I
Had willed and meted me the tears I shed.

But not so. How arrives it joy lies slain,
And why unblooms the best
hope ever sown?
-Crass Casualty obstructs the sun and rain,
And dicing Time for gladness
casts a moan...
These purblind Doomsters had as readily strown
Blisses about my pilgrimage as pain.

You know, for those who fight for it, life has a flavor the sheltered will never know!
-Lance Henriksen, Sucker Punch

I was obsolete,
Couldn't hear the beat
Staggering about on me old man's feet
But now I'm new rave!
-The Hitcher, Eels

It's often been said that life is a spiral, and that every moment is sacred, if we choose to see it as such. I've had time to write, but actually haven't been doing too much here. Well, that's ok, I figure if I'm going to put it out here for the world to see, it should be worth reading. I received an unexpected gift earlier this week, from the good folks at Circle Sanctuary in Wisconsin, through a support the troops type of operation. So here's a plug for them, and an extra big thank you! They sent me a book- The Outer Temple of Witchcraft by Christopher Penczak. It raises a lot of interesting questions, and asks the reader a great many too. The first one I encountered was, why did you want to be a witch? Okay, question one- what does it mean to be a witch? Does it mean sparkly faeries (might as well spell it right) and seeing the good in all people? Is it wearing a pentacle and casting spells? Is it having a sacred space in your room, apartment, barracks room or whatever it is? Well, it's all those things. It was the first time I was asked this question, and I have to admit, it threw me for a loop. So here's the no-doubt long and involved answer:
As long as I can remember, on occasion I would get a sense of things going on behind the scenes- there's a famous woodcut by one Nicholas Flammarion showing an alchemist peeking behind 'the veil', that is, the surface world, and seeing the celestial spheres, and this huge, complex machine-like affair. It was always there, it just took that glimpse beyond the surface of things to see it. Well, this is not unlike what I myself experienced, though I didn't quite grasp the nature of things, and was to a large extent left guessing. I found a kind of inroad in the Tarot- here was a set of symbols that would point to things beyond the surface of what we could see, and a kind of road map of a greater world than I had imagined. I would say that Buddhism, too, played a role. Officially I still identify as Buddhist, not instead of Wiccan, but rather in addition to it. I know, confusing. But at any rate, there is indeed a larger pattern of things going on, and besides I tend to think of Wicca as the organized-religion aspect of witchcraft. Not all witches (Witches? Does anyone know definitively if that is capitalized or not?) are Wiccans, and not all Wiccans are witches. Penczak identifies the root wicca or wiccae as meaning to bend or shape, in the sense of bending the natural forces around us to accomplish change in accordance with will. Will, not something that seems like a good idea at the time. But at any rate, at some point in the chaos before this life (how's that for poetic?) I had a choice. I can't explain how I know this, but this is how it went down. I had a choice- take on this knowledge, undertake the quest to find out 'what's happening now', or remain in ignorance, but comfortable. Well, a battle with alcoholism, more than a few false starts and countless screw ups and misdirections later, here I am. Everything that's happened, including the things that have left deep scars, have served this purpose. I don't claim to have all the answers, but am working on it, and will continue to do so. Both the journey and the destination are important. It's been a long and involved process of study and guesswork, and trial and error. What I'm hoping to avoid is becoming the next Aleister Crowley. Perhaps it's even egotistical to think that I would be in a position to do that. I know I'm a darn good Tarot reader, and a pretty decent shaman. I don't brag about that, or for that matter advertise that fact. I do find, however, that I often have insight and understanding that can benefit other people, and more often than not, myself. So might as well get used to the idea. At any rate, Crowley was an early 20th century occultist and prominent member of the Golden Dawn society. He was rather brilliant, I have to admit. But personally, he was rather an insufferable jackass- flamboyant, hedonistic and self-promoting to the very end. He did contribute a good deal to the study of magic, however. Again, magic is one of those buzzwords I've had to get used to. It's real, it works, so get used to it, I tell myself. Magic deals with altering probabilities, directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously. This implies a good deal of responsibility, and with this, a good deal of altruism. No one is independent, so to do good for ourselves, we do good for everyone. In order to do this, we need knowledge and understanding. I find it's both an art and a science- like all sciences it has rules and principles, though its exact manifestation and execution depend to a great extent on the person doing it.
So here I find myself- a potential force for good or destruction, and it's pretty much up to me. It's a bit like driving a car- it can be a very dangerous thing if not controlled, but if a skilled hand is at the wheel, it'll get you where you need to go. One of the lessons I've learned in Afghanistan has been how to claim your own power, and become a controlling force in your own life. Take command, in other words. This is not always easy, but is indeed necessary and important. So long story slightly less long, this is the how and why of me being a witch. I have to admit, I like the title, too. It fits, and, well, it's just so darn cool. But never let ego get in the way (see previous). Where I go from here, I don't know. The more I learn, it seems the less I actually know! From one point of understanding, you find there's more and more to discover. It seems a little overwhelming at times, but Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm planning on using what I've learned to do two things- set up a business, and to help others. Admittedly, the two are backwards- I'd rather first and foremost keep helping others in mind. As I said, I'm about as close to an expert reader as I'm likely to get any time soon, and can readily discourse on the symbolism, origins, usage and design of the Tarot, and all those other things the scholastically inclined among us like so much. And more than that, I can provide insight and answers. I can also make a couple bucks on the side doing this, though I feel I absolutely have to regard this as a perk, a fringe benefit, not a goal. Pro bono work is very much in my future, and I've found word of mouth travels pretty fast and well if you're good at this kind of thing. Reading here in Afghanistan in a tent has been a challenge, but so far a success. This, of course, when I'm not out fulfilling my duties to the Army.
Does this answer questions, or simply create more? Well, I hope I summed up the situation well enough. It's not a bad life, to be sure, and my greatest hope and fear is that I'm not just deluding myself, and that the doubts I sometimes feel are without foundation. I guess the results more than anything else speak for themselves. There was a time when I was not proud of who I was, and there are things I've done I would give anything to take back. But they have ultimately made me the person I am today, and taught me lessons that will not soon be forgotten. If life is a spiral, let's hope it continues to be an upward one. Whether or not my experience is really that unique, I kind of doubt. There are too many similar instances across too many different cultures and times. Sitting behind the wheel, hand on the stick, the only question is, where do we go, and who gets to pick the radio station?