Night Train to Nowhere

It's another day at the gas station- same people, same coffee, same pretty much everything. There's one thing I noticed that raised an eyebrow. The corner store sells Thunderbird! Who in their right mind drinks Thunderbird? Did the MPs get bored and decide to stock it, so they'll have someone to arrest? Actually, I've heard legends of this stuff- never had the nerve to try it, hardened alcoholic (recovering) that I am. For a more in-depth review of this hellish cocktail, be sure to check out www.bumwine.com . With maybe two exceptions, I've tried most of these vile chemicals. Cisco is indeed liquid crack- its effect is not entirely that of alcohol, more like smacking yourself in the face with a brick while chewing on a mouthful of uncut meth. Exactly what its chemical composition is is unknown, although the "Cisco psychosis" prompted the FDA to order an additional warning on its label.
Night Train is better described as the Night Train to the Porcelain Throne, which is where you'll end up drinking this stuff. If you ever wanted to taste gasoline and Kool-Aid, here's a cheaper alternative. Add about a pound of sugar to taste, and you've got it. Night Train apparently is so named because it tends to make you fall asleep, so be prepared for this eventuality when and if you should try some. Then go check yourself into a mental health facility, no one in their right mind drinks this swill.
The exception to this is definitely Wild Irish Rose, or Rosie as we of the Brotherhood of The Hair of The Dog call it. While obnoxiously sweet, its Red version is really not that bad when cut with tonic water or seltzer. The White version, though less well-known, seems to differ only in color, and pretty much tastes the same. It's supposed to be 'citrus wine', though the citrus content is not derived from any known source. Experience teaches it's best cold- avoid drinking it warm, though I have yet to find anywhere that sells it cold.
Less common but about on a par is MD 20/20, also called Mad Dog. It comes in a variety of day-glo colors and flavors. Again, don't think the fruit listed on the label has ever been in the same room as this beverage. While lacking the sheer vileness of Night Train, Mad Dog is much more grape-popsicle flavored than anything else, although there are other flavors out there. The bright green one scares me. However, as far as cheap alcoholic drinks go, you could definitely do worse than Mad Dog. Then again, you could do a hell of a lot better, too.
I think the main issue is the sugar content of these drinks- you see, sugar+alcohol= puke fuel and hangovers. This is why clear liquor (supposedly) does not give you as bad a hangover, though the other chemicals as well as alcohol content present are a factor as well. But again, by the time you're considering more than say, a glass of Mad Dog, you're ready for AA.
An exception, I would say, is Boone's Farm. It's available in a variety of cheaply-made flavors, and has a comparatively low alcohol content, equivalent to about a light beer. Served cold, it's really not too bad! There is a pale pink strawberry-and-something concoction that is pretty good.
Luckily, my days of hitting the sauce (along with many of the accompanying problems) are behind me now, though my throat tightens and my stomach rolls at the thought of some of the things I used to send down the hatch. I can't say I miss that!