Happy Endings

I couldn't pass this one by! Amazing how a simple caption can turn something disturbing and surreal into something... Oh, wait, never mind. Well, anyway. We've been doing P90X workouts for morning PT lately, which is pretty interesting! I don't yet understand the exact rhyme and reason behind this program- does the P stand for pain? As near as I can figure, it means kick the crap out of yourself, then go back with a big grin and do it all again. It's actually a welcome change from the PT we usually do. I'm going to have to find time in my busy schedule to find out more on this system, as it has great results! But again, maybe not for everyone. Depends what you're trying to do, also.

It's good to finally be relaxing at the apartment, with no major plans for the weekend except recover from the week's PT. My roommate continues to do well, I'm happy to report, and his recovery from surgery is going well.

In other news, we're welcoming yet another brigade-level Command Sergeant Major, whom I met on my last staff duty shift. Apart from the rank, he's very approachable, and takes pride in his job and his subordinates, which is a really good way for a leader to be. I wish I could say the same for certain (nameless) members of brigade command- good lord, that man's ego has its own zip code! I had a section sergeant hit the nail on the head once- you respect the office- not necessarily the officer. Well, I don't want to be too down on my unit, so will say that the COs I encounter on a daily basis are most always people that do have my respect.

It's definitely allergy season, as I found out running pell-mell among the trees today. If there's one thing I miss about New England, it's the trees and forests. Oklahoma just doesn't have the climate and soil for the deep and mysterious forests you see in the northeast. They also serve quite well as a windblock- perhaps Oklahoma could take a lesson there and plant more trees- maybe less tornadoes? Sure, let's go with that. But it's always nice to be around trees, as odd as that probably sounds. Trees are very old, and very patient. It kind of puts things in perspective, I find. (and if I had a nickel for every time I said that, I'd go plant my own forest) But actually things are going fairly well. I'm looking forward to a weekend of down time, and to the changing tides that these new personnel bring to the unit. Past that, who knows? I'm going to keep present and future in perspective, and hopefully not foul up the works too bad!

Kafka On The Shore

You're one microscopic cog in his catastrophic plan,

designed and directed by his red right hand...

Finally, a day off! Today was the commanding general's annual run, which went pretty well. For a change we ran as a battalion, something we don't usually do. It went well! The weather was nice, though more than a little windy.

At any rate, I read a great book on the way back to Oklahoma, then finished it up here in town. It was Kafka on The Shore, by Haruki Murakami. Highly recommended, as are most of his other books. My favorites are A Wild Sheep Chase, and its sequel, Dance, Dance, Dance. Both deal with a guy in a raggedy sheep suit, and get interesting from there. Also worth a look is Hard-Boiled Wonderland and The End of The World, if you can find it. Often Murakami takes two parallel stories that seem completely unrelated and eventually ties them together in a way you might not expect. I kind of like reading about places I've never been to, in this case Japan- the Japan I imagine is probably a good deal more surreal than the real one. It's definitely worth a look, anyway. This particular book centers around a kid named Kafka Tamura, who runs away from home from a father he really doesn't know very well, and an old man called Nakata, who suffers some manner of brain (we're led to believe) injury, resulting in limited comprehension, but the ability to talk to cats and an often surprising insight into the situation. Kafka ends up working at a library, where the librarians have a long and strange past, and Nakata, who works part-time as a finder of lost cats, eventually winds up near the very same library. Do their stories cross? Somewhat. And who is the cat killer, who constructs a magic flute out of the cats he butchers? Read the book and find out. It's definitely not what I expected, but then, great books rarely are. Often I find reading a book can do one of two things- either you wind up learning something you didn't know, or you wind up with insight into your own situation.

This book did the second- not so much that I'm going to run away to a library, but rather that we're all destined for something great, in our own way. We're all parts of the same machine, though the purpose isn't always clear. You'll know when you get there, in other words. Sometimes, when we find ourselves at a loss, wondering where to go next, which path to take, the answer is simply follow your instincts- let the path lead where it will, because wherever you go, there you are. Whether or not there's something to predestination, I don't know. I tend to think there is- in part. We operate in accordance with our own free will, within confines. One argument I've always heard is we always labor under the illusion of free will- in reality, it's just that- an illusion. What really happens is that everything is all mapped out in advance, and we just follow the course that's been predetermined for us. I'd like to give people a little more credit than that- instead of being compelled, rather we can make choices. We are, however, bound by those choices and decisions. Take, for example, a recent DUI. Not me, of course- this happened to another soldier in the company. Or rather, I should say, he caused it to happen to himself. The path laid out as a result of that decision was pretty clear- he is no longer a soldier, was stripped of rank and title, and is incarcerated. The interesting thing about getting incarcerated in the military- even when you're stripped of rank and given a dishonorable discharge, you first serve your civil prison time (which he's doing right now), then after that the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice- the servicemember's book of law) kicks in- you may be separated from service, but the government will still collect the time you owe, and you can be prosecuted under both- the principle of double jeopardy applies to specific crimes, not different jurisdictions, such as civil and military. It'll be, sadly, a long time before he sees the outside of a prison. But nonetheless, we all know what can happen- this isn't exactly a secret. The Army has very little patience for substance abuse, perhaps because of the past trend of substance abuse in the armed forces. At any rate, it's not a good plan to get a DUI when Uncle Sam's got your number. The penalties are severe, but on the flip side, we're expected to make responsible decisions. Everyone has everyone else's back- if you need a ride, you're blitzed in some back alley somewhere or some dive bar, you can pick up the phone and call someone. Failing that, call your superiors. You'd be in for an ass-chewing of epic proportions, but you avoid the crime.

So point being, there are consequences to actions. Consciously or unconsciously (or damn near, in this previous case) we create the path we take. Now the question becomes, do we do this consciously, or are we kind of shooting blind? It's certainly true that life does tend to throw the occasional monkey wrench in our works, but that doesn't mean we're powerless. The magic word here is think. Think about what could happen, and what's likely to happen. I think we all occasionally get the little voice in our heads saying 'go here', 'talk to that person', or 'don't do it, you damn fool!' We're all blessed with reason and instinct- we should use the two together. But there's also the things we can't really account for, when things suddenly and incredibly work out for the best! I guess in the end, we do the best we can and hope not to foul up too bad. More often than not- we don't foul up too bad.

Perhaps it's a part of what Buddha was talking about when he talked about mindfulness. He said to be in the present, not worrying about the future or obsessed with the past, but surely in the present we can see where the road goes. If on the one hand, the road dead-ends into quicksand, maybe that's not the best path to take. If we can see that far ahead, we should, rather than look down just at our feet and blunder into it. But quicksand too has its purpose in this world, like everything.

Theme Song Of Our Lives

Recently Fearnet published a list of their top 10 horror movie musical themes- usually shown during the opening credits, these are generally grim and creepy. They're meant to be unsettling, kind of getting the audience in the mood for some scary stuff about to happen. Among their ten were a few of my own favorites- the Candyman theme, titled "It Was Always You, Helen". Kind of a creepy yet sad theme, it's supposed to capture the sadness and sense of loss that defined the Candyman character- kind of a guy who finds himself in extraordinary circumstances, and tries to make the best of it. He'd rather become a monster, it seems, and live on in remembrance of the woman he loved and lost than face fading away into just a memory. The theme itself is reminiscent of a music box, bringing to mind nostalgia and a sense of things preserved and kept hidden away.

Also making the cut (pun intended) was the Hellraiser theme- this time, the focus is on secrets, the things we don't show to the world. And this really is the driving theme behind the monsters and their purpose, although perhaps the real monsters are the characters- those people so desperate to cure their jaded sensuality that they would welcome the Cenobites with open arms. The Cenobites, of course, cannot and do not harm people without deep dark desires- in one of the movies they completely bypass the person who actually opened their doorway and instead target the person whose desire actually brought them. This really was the underlying horror of this movie. The short story this is based on actually goes a step further- one of the first people to solve the puzzle to bring the Cenobites spends months studying and unraveling the mysteries that surround this puzzle box, and even sets up a kind of twisted altar to welcome them, collecting sacrifices for these beings. Again, who's the monster here?

There was, of course, the Reanimator theme- almost a march, but kind of sinister- things are slightly off here, perhaps expressing the noble ends of science being corrupted- the plot of this movie centers around a medical student who becomes obsessed with his own genius, and the method he devises for chemically reanimating the recent dead. Of course, brain damage sets in very rapidly after a person dies, as the body and nervous system are first damaged as the brain sucks oxygen from the extremities in order to keep itself alive. The brain is always the last thing to die, and once the oxygen runs out, the higher brain functions slowly deteriorate. (I think it's considerably less time than the 6 or so minutes they harp on in the movie, but I'm not sure). At any rate, the result becomes something much like the idea behind Frankenstein- creating life where there should be no life.

This seems to be a common theme of horror films. and perhaps reflects an underlying human condition. We spend most of our time living in a predictable, sane world. Horror comes from the unknown- the things we can imagine and don't see are what frightens us- not what is there, but what could be there. Horror involves a normal situation turned strange- the rules we live by and that govern our universe no longer apply, and everything becomes strange and alien. I've long thought that a part of this is healthy- exploring the things that scare us- what we can name, categorize and understand ceases to frighten us. What we can't name, can't account for or understand- these things frighten us more than the threat of death or suffering. But really, this is just the tip of the iceberg- I've always thought that what scares us is not the movie- that we know even when the monster jumps out at us and we jump, really we're safe in the theater, perhaps reaching out to grab the arm of a significant other, or sitting in our living room, knowing that once the movie's over, it's back to the real world.

Life is, to a large extent, predictable. It's when we move from predictability to unpredictability and strangeness that we really get scared. Maybe that's why we all need a good comfortable scare now and again- it keeps us on our feet, makes us grateful to be safe and alive, and puts us in touch with the unknown that seems to lurk on the outskirts of our awareness.

I think H.P. Lovecraft is one of the great horror icons because of this reason- he created a world where our lives are essentially meaningless- there is no good or evil, just power and hunger. Hunger is the driving force behind his gods- Cthulhu doesn't care about us, doesn't love us, we aren't his special creation- we're cattle, useful only as a diversion or food. What we thought we knew isn't true, life actually is meaningless, and our paranoia is perfectly justified. We may not be the center of the universe, but at least we can become aware of our place within the greater sphere of things. I doubt that outer-space immortal squid-bat-humanoid beings lived on the planet, and are entombed deep in the ocean- but given our limited knowledge of the afterlife, and so much we don't know, who can say? It seems possible that whatever higher powers there are are more or less neutral- it's your life, you do what you want with it.

At any rate, enough rambling on for tonight. Tomorrow starts another work week, with a whole lot of not much contained in it. I'll be humming horror themes all week- whatever gets you through the day.

Abbatoir Blues

Past the mills, past the stacks

On a gathering storm comes

a tall handsome man

In a dusty black coat

with a red right hand

He's a god, he's a man

He's a ghost, he's a guru

They're whispering his name

through this disappearing land

But hidden in his coat

is a red right hand

-Red Right Hand, Nick Cave

I made it back to Oklahoma, which is okay, all things considered. I got stopped by airport security in Dallas, which was funny in a way. I guess something didn't quite ring true in the metal detector, or xray, or whatever it is they run you through. So I got patted down in a separate room, and was assured it was just an anomaly, there was no reason to think I was a threat. Maybe it was because I forgot to take my glasses off. I miss New England already! But I suppose, I need to come back here, do some work, pay the bills, and set myself up to go back to New England, engagement ring in (red right?) hand. The divorce is moving faster now, and apart from that, I guess I learned a little lesson about hope while I was there. What you believe you can do, you can do. What you don't believe you can do, you can't. I really doubt it's quite that simple, but that's the main gist of things here. Dante wrote in the Inferno- "But lacking hope, we live on in desire." That's partly true, but desire too is a form of hope. A lesser hope, though. Again, what you believe, that becomes truth. I realize there's a greater world out there, a greater hope. For a long time I didn't realize there was something greater out there. It's kind of like I had no vision beyond my next chat with Tabatha, my next cheeseburger or day off. So that became my reality.

There was always that sense of things being out there- a new life, waking up next to Tabatha every morning, but even this wasn't quite the end I was looking for. It's a little harder to define, but there's a sense of deep hope, of something greater than I could ever have imagined. This has always been a problem for me- I get caught up in the details, and miss the big picture. Now I find, the big picture is pretty darn interesting. Hope, perhaps, is belief in the absence of evidence. And absence of evidence, as my academic friends like to say, is not evidence of absence.
Point being, I'm planning on getting a lot done in less time- standing up for what I believe in, fighting for what I want. I guess I let desire replace despair- a step in the right direction, sure, but I'm going to start looking rather at hope than desire. I hope to keep in mind that the petty irritations are just that- petty irritations, not roadblocks. Maybe it's like Buddha once said, about something completely different- how there was a man who got shot with a poison arrow. Obviously, to get rid of the poison, take out the arrow. But the man wanted to know, before he would take out the arrow, who shot it, where they were from, why they shot him, what kind of poison they used, and where they got the poison from. The point being, just pull the fool thing already, and worry about that later. There will be time to figure out all that later, when the poison is safely neutralized. The message I get from this is- prioritize. The important things need attention- the unimportant things, not so much.

Well, have a good Sunday, and I'll remain mindful of what really matters in this world, and in this life.

Never Say Goodbye- An Open Letter To Tabatha

My Dear Kitty,
I'm writing this while you're away at work. I wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, and how much I love you. You sometimes ask me- do I know how much you love me? No, I don't know. And I don't often realize how much I love you. Sometimes it'll hit me, and I'll be amazed all over again at the depth of my feelings for you. Corny, I know. But life is not a Harlequin novel- nonetheless, that's the way it is.
But feelings don't pay the rent, feelings don't bring us together. Actions do. The time we've been apart, and now the time we've been together has opened my eyes. I see things now that I didn't realize before. And I realize the only thing standing in the way of us is me. You said there were forces against us, but I never really understood that until now. Let's see, where to start?
You seem to think I have this fantastic life in Oklahoma, that I go hang out with friends, that I wake up every day and am so excited to get to work that I forget all about you. Actually, I get up every morning alone, and try to stave off despair for another day. Well, now I see that can change. The reason I get distracted and am forgetful more often than not is not that life is just so deliriously fun down there- it's so I don't have to feel the pain of your absence. Shouldn't this be a motivating factor to get us back together? Yes it should. But does it? Not in my case. Actually it becomes a kind of safety blanket- I don't want to think about that, so I get distracted. Apparently I have a considerable mind with which to distract myself. But you being by my side, falling asleep next to you every night made me realize- this shadow existence is not for me. For the first time in months I've actually felt alive and real. This is what I am!
There's always been some question, even in my own mind, as to who I actually am. I guess I know now. The who I am is the guy you fell in love with- wisecracking, smart and a little jaded, but loving, caring and ready to embrace everything this world has to offer. This world is a beautiful place- you showed me that. And I can live without you- life will go on if we don't make it. But it's not worth it without you. There will never be another you, and so I guess I'd do well to giving you lots of reasons to stick around.
I know all this is nothing you haven't heard before. I say the same things, then go back to the rut of my life in Oklahoma. Well, that's part of the reason I'm writing this to you. I want the world to know, and I want to be reminded every day of how lucky I am. Lest I forget, lest I get distracted about all the petty distractions coming down the line. If there are forces against us, they don't need to break out the heavy guns- they just need to keep me surrounded by minor irritations day in and day out.
Well, it's time I realize the way things are. First, I might as well admit it. I'm a witch. (Witch? Should that be capitalized?) Point being, I realize all the crazy things they say about people like me are true. I never really thought I was that special, and probably am not- if I'm the only person to realize this, I'll eat my wand without hot sauce. But that's beside the point. For too long I've been taking a backseat in my life. If I want something to happen, like say, taking two weeks of leave and going home to Connecticut, I can make that happen. I don't need to be 'Fortune's fool', I can run this show. In part, it's like you said- I don't like taking chances, and tend not to proceed forwards until I'm one hundred percent sure of myself. But if you never take risks... well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Now, I'm not all full of myself, thinking I'm Tara's gift to the world, but frankly, I kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of bubblegum. Anyone can do this- just so happens that I do. I guess in that regard I am a little different than other people. Okay, I can live with that.
For a time I wondered- what do I do with this? Well, I can tell you what I'm going to do now. You always like to say, you only see what you need to see. I guess you're right. What I see now is that I need to bring us together. The miles between us don't sever whatever weird-ass connection it is that we have- but they do make it harder on the both of us. This isn't a fairy tale (well, maybe it is), but the point is, there's no guarantee the good guys will win. If I sit back and do nothing, well, whatever or whoever the bad guys are will win. If I stand and fight, then I win. I was never the fastest guy when we would go running- but I never quit. If I started the run, I'd finish it. Maybe not at the front, more towards the middle or even towards the rear- but I'd finish the run. Same thing here. If I can do that, who's to say what else I can or can't do? There's only one way to find out, and that's take a chance. Easy to say, a little tougher to do. But again, that's one of the things I've learned out here. You need to take chances, and need to do more than you think you can. Thoughts are the beginnings of reality, so it's true- if you think you can, chances are you're right.
So never say goodbye- this isn't goodbye. This is I'll see you soon. This is I'm ready to take up the fight again, and ready to get it on, whatever the cost. When I lose my arms, I'll start kicking and biting. Remember that I love you, and I'll remember that I love you too- and I'll remember what I discovered myself to be- what you showed me. Lest I forget.

Happy Ostara!

Happy upcoming Ostara guys! I hope you enjoy it, I'll be en route back to Oklahoma, from there hopefully to great things for queen and country. Yes, it's on the twisted side- would you eat a green chocolate bunny?
So on an unrelated note, I saw Scream 4 this week. It was okay, as sequels go. Attempts to establish this Munch-esque figure as a cultural icon, creepy raspy voice and all, seem to have succeeded. It's an interesting twist on an old theme- the killer is, interestingly, flesh and blood, not the unstoppable, immortal juggernauts that have become par for the course. Likewise, it incorporates the fact that there's no real rationale for these murders- not money, not vengeance, not even a cheating boyfriend. The killer/s in these movies are just flat out batshit. I don't think these movies would have made it say, 20 years ago- very much a product of the times. The zeitgeist, you might say. All in all, a good movie. Hopefully the last. Wes Craven is an excellent horror director, but I think the premise has come to the end. Though it's good to see some new directions taken with the slasher genre. Strange how people can sit through horror movies, but wouldn't really hurt anyone in real life. More than likely there are psychological ramifications for that- Freud would probably say it's our subconscious, but I figure it's fine as long as you draw the line between fantasy and reality. When someone is really, seriously hurt, it's not funny. To see people act out these terrible things happening can be pretty entertaining. It's perhaps the same reason soldiers make jokes- because having faced death, they need to put it in terms they can understand, and come to terms with it. And life goes on. Well, happy Ostara, hope the spring brings everyone hope for the future- it certainly did for me!

On The Shores of R'Lyeh

It's been quite a time here! I realize one of the reasons for coming here was so that I could 'find myself'. Didn't know I was lost in the first place, but I've found that I really have a great deal of internal resources I didn't really acknowledge or know about. It's so easy to just blame the situation- "Oh, life is hard, anyone else would have done the same". I no longer care what anyone else would do. I know what I'm going to do. They say don't live in the past, don't worry about the future- rather use the present to plan for the future, and learn from the past, and that's what I try to do. I hate to harp on the subject, but it deserves mentioning. I talked to the ex, who seems bound and determined to make things my fault. No matter what I do, it's not good enough. Story of my marriage, incidentally. A big part of this has been freeing myself from that mindset, and coming to the point that I realize it just doesn't matter. There are people on this green and blue Mardi Gras ball of mirth whose opinions matter to me- and there are others whose opinions and thoughts do not. Am I guiltless? Of course not. It's not a question of painting this in black and white, it comes down to who fights harder.
The weird thing about life is that as time goes on, it seems like less and less of a strain. I guess it's like working out- you go in for the first time you've ever set foot in a gym, and don't put that much up on the bench press. But give it say, six months or so, and you're able to move a lot more weight. The initial amount you started with is a pittance to you now. It would seem there's two ways to deal with pressure- either cave in, or get stronger. But then again, there comes a point where you need to get out from under the weight, if even for a little bit.
Though I really don't want to go back to Oklahoma, I guess I have to- to set things in order, and continue to rebuild a life. I won't be gone long, though. Taking leave every 5 months or so just isn't cutting it. It's almost like I was living a shadow of life down there- just kind of sleepwalking through the days, nights nothing more than a chance to sleep and forget for a few hours, then wake up and find a reason to go back to work all over again. Tabatha seems to think I have this wonderful life down there without her- actually the wonderful life is up north- here. But I know as time goes on, things will improve. If you don't find what you're looking for within, you'll never find it without, as the saying goes. But not finding it within means I just kind of settle into a state of apathy- neither caring nor wanting to lose everything- limbo, in other words. Well, that's all well and good, but still, it's no way to live. It's not like I lost hope- just didn't see how hope would play out. That's why I'm glad I came back, because I realized hope is not passive. If you hope for something, you need to work for that something- every one of us creates the world we live in, either consciously or unconsciously, by actions or by lack of actions. So I for one plan on a little spring cleaning. And coming back to Connecticut real soon.

Revenge of The Phoenix Part 5- The Phantom Creeps

It's Wednesday, and the week's end is in sight. That's ok, the time here has been invaluable. I realize it's not the fight you face, it's the fight in you that's important. Most of the divorce is getting done, and I'm looking forward to taking leave again soon. Tabatha always complained (rightly so) that not seeing me for five months at a stretch really isn't working. She's right. I'd rather be back here much more often. So, as in many areas of life, the one thing keeping me from doing that is me. The problem with being smart is that you get to see everything from multiple angles- and on occasion get stuck in those angles, neither moving forwards or back. Some might say I should balance out my Air with a little more Fire, and they'd be right too. The question is, where to go? For the last several weeks I haven't been able to shake the sense that there are vast plains of knowledge that are now just beginning to be revealed. But what, then, do I do with them? Take over the world? Crush my enemies? Is knowledge an end in and of itself, or is there something more? Tabatha's favorite phrase is "you only see what you need to see". Well, as a diviner, I'd like to think I can see a little more than average, but that works best for other people, not me. My own life is a big blind spot more often than not. But we must bravely press forwards, confront the impossible at every turn, all that good stuff.

I think coming back to CT was a good idea, it was good to see the kids again. They're getting so big! And smart, too. Emma is as stubborn as ever, which I think will serve her well as time goes on. Max continues to impress me with how smart he is, and he's turning into a wonderful young man. No doubt there will be great things in their futures. It's things like that which get you through the long days.
But wherever I go, there I am. I'm beginning to think more than anywhere else, New England is home. It's the place I grew up. Sure, it's expensive, and has the largest discrepancy between the highest and lowest incomes in the country, but most of us fall somewhere in between, and live out lives without too much worry. But soon it'll be time to go back to Fort Sill, and no doubt face the same nonsense that I'll always be up against. Where do we go from here has been the question on my mind very often as of late. No answers yet- but then again, if you find out everything all at once, where's the fun in that?

A River Runs Through It

I'm writing this from back in Connecticut, having arrived here after many adventures. I managed to miss the flight I was originally scheduled on, and wound up taking a later flight. I had a Chicago dog (hot dog) actually in Chicago, and discovered they're to die from/die for. Then touched down in Hartford, or Windsor, I'm never quite sure where exactly that airport is. But anyway, that's the story of me getting back from Oklahoma. I used to say, Connecticut is my home, but really anywhere can be home. Just some places resonate with you better than others. There are probably a hundred and two reasons why this is, but the fact is, that's the way it works. I'm surprised how little the state has changed, though I suppose I haven't been away that long. It rained today, something I haven't seen since the last time I was in Connecticut. It's a rare occasion when we get much more than a drizzle in Oklahoma, though when it does rain it gets pretty torrential. Looking out the window, I see 14o out the window. How many times have I been up and down that road, past this very building I'm now in, without giving it a second thought? I remember when Scitico Market was still in operation, whereas now the building is up for lease. I also drove past the point where it all began, the recruiting station. It's been a long road to get where I am, and more is still required. Good thing I have tremendous resources available. The challenges I face seem to be either equal to or less than the strength behind me- never greater. What that says about life or myself, I don't really know. It is what it is, as a sage friend once told me. I started reading at the airport, and plowed through a couple books on the way up here. It's easy to read multiple books in the same day when you don't have much else to occupy your mind. I was surprised to find a book from one of my favorite authors that I hadn't read yet. Actually, I didn't get to finish it before touching ground in CT, but it's called Kafka On The Shore, by Haruki Murakami. I always liked the style of his writing, where ordinary people (more or less) seem to find themselves in a weird, surreal world. Sometimes this is intentional, other times it just seems weird to my Westernized mind because it's set in Japan, which is a world away from New England. But it reflects an interesting world view, one where Fate is an impartial and often mysterious force, affecting people in ways that they couldn't have predicted or foreseen. Yet at the same time, these same people move and interact in this strange world in the best way they can, relying on internal resources and their external opportunities, and somehow winding up exactly where they're supposed to be. Not even the very wise can see all ends, it seems. But at any rate, I'm looking forward to the next step, the next bend in the road, and to see what the next signpost says. Not always the most legible, but always useful.

The Long Dark Night

...with no air conditioning. I just finished up a CQ shift- CQ standing for Charge of Quarters. It was one of the less eventful nights, which is fine. I guess everyone had somewhere else to be. I also learned it's entirely possible to read a 600-page book in a day and a night. I'd say I picked a good book to read, both because I enjoyed it very much and because I finished it in a shift. The book was A Discovery of Witches, written by Deborah Harkness. It's similar in many ways to the Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman. The book takes place in a world where there are four types of beings- first, the witches, who are, well, witches. Apparently you need a genetic predisposition to be able to perform witchcraft, at least on the level of these witches. There are vampires, pretty self-explanatory there. But apart from heightened senses and requiring blood to survive, they're pretty much average joes. There are also daemons, which I found the most interesting, perhaps because they're the least defined characters of the book. Daemons, (not demons) are somewhere between humans and witches in this world- they apparently are geniuses, having an exceptional knack for art and music. What distinguishes a human from a daemon seems to be the way the brain works- daemons have much more brain activity. The three groups are constantly at odds, and long-standing prejudices exist. One witch, who doesn't want to be a witch, as she blames the other witches for the death of her parents, falls in love with a vampire, and manages to uncover a secret book of alchemy, containing all kinds of useful information. All three groups want this book (humans are kind of oblivious to all this), and a long involved romance and power struggle ensues. It's just as good as it sounds- very engaging, very well-written and not your usual good-vs-evil tale. It does raise some interesting questions about human potential, too- the main character has really bizarre DNA, which to the best of my knowledge does not occur in real life- she has the identified markers (in the book) for all kinds of cool powers- commanding the elements, flight, precognition, all that good stuff. Witches in this world are kind of like superheroes, usually with one or two areas of specialty. As far as I know, elements in the 'real' world don't really like to be commanded, but will work with you if you ask them extra nicely. But back to my point- the daemons got me thinking, some people are actually like that! When we're born, our brains are incredibly dense with neural connections- more than we could possibly ever use. As time goes on, and we learn to speak, walk, coordinate muscle movement, these neural connections get weeded out. The ones that remain active are left in place, the ones that are never used get shut down. Now this isn't to say let's try to save the entire net- that's impossible, and the weeding out is a natural part of human development. But here's the funny part- our neural nets never stop, absent disease or disorder. As we continue to learn, connections re-form, connections are strengthened, and some grow weaker from lack of use. It's said this is why we sometimes have trouble remembering things from a long time ago, or that we don't usually need to remember- the connections are either weak or have to take a roundabout route.

The brain, as you probably know, is composed of neurons- neurons are fun little electrically-driven cells that transmit signals. Most of our thoughts and memories are located on the cortex- the wrinkly gray part of the brain. It's wrinkled because the cortex is kind of a big sheet of neurons- wad up a piece of paper into a ball, and it takes up less space than when it's flat and spread out. Thus, wrinkles in the cortex allow more neural cells in less area. It's also said that we use only about 10 percent of the brain- this isn't quite accurate- everything there is there for a reason; it's actually a question of efficiency. We can increase the efficiency and speed of thought and information processing and retrieval through these mental exercises that used to be all the rage- but there isn't a vast area of the brain just sitting there doing nothing. So it's interesting to think- perhaps people who would be called daemons in this book are really just precocious kids who develop a little faster than the rest of us. I've found that experience plays a big role- working on a certain set of problems, or a certain set of subjects, gets your brain ticking over in new ways- new connections develop, and you begin to formulate new ideas. So the way to improve your brain, it would seem, isn't rote memorization of facts. Clearly, learning is something more than that.

So I'm left wondering- are some people actually smarter than others? I know I've been identified as not exactly a genius, but extremely bright. Mad as a march hare, others have said. Perhaps both labels fit. Add to this the fact that there are so many different types of intelligence, and different types of understanding, and another level of complexity gets added. But the conclusion I can draw from this is that first, some people may be born with a few advantages- but ultimately what we do and how we do it determines what we become intelligence-wise. And second, that you should never underestimate the power of imagination. Every great idea started as imagination, as a what-if. So did this post, but that's not as much of a great idea as just a more run-of-the gray cells idea.

Return of the Phantom Stranger

Please enjoy this random video, it's probably one of my favorite Type O Negative songs, and really has nothing to do with anything- it is a cool song though- reminds me of a t-shirt I once saw- "I'm So Gothic I'm Dead". Guess they call them emos now. Oh well, whatever.

The work week ended on a good note, except for the chaos on the Hill. I'm not able to comment on it, on this or any other media, but guys, draw your own conclusions. Today I'll soon be on my merry way to a dental checkup- the Army is big on keeping us in fighting shape, including our teeth. Not that I expect to be in a situation when I'll have to use them as a weapon! That would be dire times indeed. There's not much on tap for this weekend, except getting ready to catch a flight on Monday morning. Tomorrow I have CQ duty until Sunday morning, which is fine with me. I took over the shift from a friend of mine, who's changing duty stations shortly, heading back to Fort Benning. His wife also recently had a baby too, so I was glad to take over the shift for him- clearly there are more pressing issues than making sure the barracks doesn't catch fire.

The main event on the radar lately has been the divorce. I went to see the judge yesterday, prepared for the worst and hoping for the best- the result was more towards the latter. The judge and my ex's attorney were there, and we had ourselves a little sit-down in the office. The attorney brought up a good point- that the divorce itself can be filed in Oklahoma, as I meet legal residency requirements for that state. However, child custody is outside that jurisdiction. It falls in under Connecticut state courts, so will require that the CT court handle it. The conclusion of this was, between the three of us, (my ex, the attorney, and myself) we can draw up a divorce decree for Oklahoma, file it there, and worry about child custody in Connecticut. That works for me! OF course, I'm going to go over that divorce decree with a fine-tooth comb-not that I don't trust either of them, but the cardinal rule of the Army is CYA, and I think that's a good principle to apply here. But it looks like things will move forwards on a pretty favorable pace. There aren't any bad guys, and there sure aren't any good guys- just us trying to work this out for the benefit of all. I guess Tabatha is right, she always says things happen because there was a lesson to be learned.

On a lighter note, I'm really looking forwards to getting away from the office for two weeks, and going back to CT, no doubt to freeze my rear off for a while. Hoping the time passes quickly!

Finding The Balance

I come home in the morning light

My mother says when you gonna live your life right

Oh mother dear we're not the fortunate ones...

-Cyndi Lauper

Recently I've been noticing something, not really that much of a surprise. I already know there's a kind of underlying order to everything, whether or not it's readily apparent. So what does that imply for us humans? Are we really unique among the creatures of this world? Well, yes and no. (Odd how often that answer comes up...) Like all living things, we exist on three levels. These three levels are kind of arbitrary, as there are a few different schools of thought on this, as to exactly what the nature of existence is. Here's the way I see it- on the one level, we have physical existence- our bodies, the mortal coil, whatever you want to call it. This level contains actions in the physical world, and their consequences- the things we set in motion cause reactions in the world, leading to either good or bad consequences. The three levels are interdependent, and one can affect the other. Consequences of the physical actions we take can shape mental and emotional factors and reactions, which in turn lead also to further actions, or lack of actions.

The second level contains thoughts and feelings- the mental level. Thoughts, as you can probably guess, are the progenitors of action, so you could say this level of existence affects the physical world. Here also are the motivating factors for our actions- thoughts, emotions, and also imagination. Say I want to build a house. How do I do that? Just start building? Not before I imagine the design, imagine what I want it to look like, what I want to build it out of, where I want to build it, and so on. This house doesn't yet exist except in this second level- it's not yet physically present. But it can be- based on my actions in building it. Emotions also play a role here- there's the stick-to-it factor, which can go one of two ways- either continue to work until it's completed, or abandon the project. It's really a combination of the two, emotion and logical factors. If, say, this house is going to result in disaster, somehow, it would be wise to rethink the plan, perhaps put it somewhere else or move the project in a different direction. Emotion comes into play when I consider the toll on the world, and on myself.

The third level is spiritual- our higher calling, those things that we may not understand but point us in the right direction- moving towards a higher purpose, moving towards the realization of our potential. I have to admit, this is the least clear level to me, and perhaps the hardest to grasp. But every person, whether they realize it or not, or can embrace that fact, have a higher purpose- to move from their beginnings to something greater- to build their own ;empire of dirt', as the song goes. I can't say this purpose is the same for everyone, only that intuition tells me that it's tied to this subtle and overmastering order to the universe. It's a fun little quandary, as far as free will is concerned. If everything is according to this pattern- how can we act against it? I think we have a choice at every moment, to do or not do, and with this action or inaction, consequences occur. No one is really immune from karma, which I believe also to be a manifestation of this underlying order. Often we're not aware of this action, and what appears to be free will is just that- free will. But within confines. We're all so deeply enmeshed in this order, that whatever decision we choose does not fall outside that order. Rather, it stays within, but we get the option of choosing which out of multiple alternatives within that order we want. So we do actually have the power to destroy ourselves, but a prudent mind will try to examine the alternatives, seeing which will lead where. This level of existence also implies a deeper level of communication and understanding- again, this is a little unclear to me, I sure as anything don't have all the answers. But at any rate, these three levels, from most readily manifest to most subtle, are the stuff our time on this plane of existence is made of. What lies beyond this, or if anything does lie beyond this, I really can't say, simply due to my own lack of understanding and insight on it. It could be we simply go on, in a changed form- after all, we know matter, physical matter that is, is neither created nor destroyed, nor is energy. It merely changes form. It could be that the less visible forms of existence operate on the same principles- or not. It's like the old Zen master answered when asked what happens after this life. "I don't know!" he said. "But aren't you a Zen master?" the questioner pressed. "Sure- but I'm not a dead Zen master!". Guess there's only one way to find out, and, well, reporting back on that state seems to be a bit of a challenge. Besides, I'm kind of busy in this world at the moment.

Well, either that makes sense or not, it made sense when it came into my head. Speaking of correlations, I'm noticing and trying to formulate exactly how the Tarot and Runes (should that be capitalized? I think so) fit together. It seems both operate on symbols- that is, a glyph, symbol or sign used to represent a more abstract concept. The Runes are complex, perhaps because there's less of them in number than the Tarot. The Major Arcana have archetypal imagery, more or less. Interesting that the Runes incorporate archetypes also- it seems to me that these Runes have more of a human focus- what I mean is the Runes relate to areas of human experience. The Major Arcana also do this, but seem almost to shift the focus off of the individual experience and move it more towards the inter-personal aspect. There are social and establishment-based archetypes in the Majors- the King, the Saboteur, the Wise Man or Sage, the Creator and Destroyer are a few. Carl Jung used the concept of archetypes extensively in his own psychological work, so I'd recommend checking that out for a fuller description of archetypes. Basically, an archetype is a universally recognized symbol or figure. These symbols are universally recognized based on the commonality of human experience. Some of the Rune archetypes that stick in my head are Ice, Chance, Increase and Destruction- these seem to be more based on how a person fits into their surrounding world- things that happen to them, thus perhaps making the Runes a more specific tool than the general forces indicated in the Majors. Of course, this is all speculation at this point. But the Majors tend to deal with somewhat more abstract concepts- here we have forces, not events. Destruction is an event directly happening to a person- so also are Chance and Increase. The two systems seem to have a lot of common ground, but whether or not they fit entirely together isn't clear. I think it's rather a different system to point to the same underlying order- the goal of both is to understand the subtle forces at work that may not be readily apparent, but nonetheless are indeed there. When we come to understand this, it can make us less reactive and more proactive.

It's a complex problem, but it's got my attention, mainly because it's a complex one. I might as well see what I can do with it, I figure. Apart from that, I'm looking forwards to getting home to Connecticut, and away from work for a little while. One week to go, at least as far as work is concerned!