Abbatoir Blues

Past the mills, past the stacks

On a gathering storm comes

a tall handsome man

In a dusty black coat

with a red right hand

He's a god, he's a man

He's a ghost, he's a guru

They're whispering his name

through this disappearing land

But hidden in his coat

is a red right hand

-Red Right Hand, Nick Cave

I made it back to Oklahoma, which is okay, all things considered. I got stopped by airport security in Dallas, which was funny in a way. I guess something didn't quite ring true in the metal detector, or xray, or whatever it is they run you through. So I got patted down in a separate room, and was assured it was just an anomaly, there was no reason to think I was a threat. Maybe it was because I forgot to take my glasses off. I miss New England already! But I suppose, I need to come back here, do some work, pay the bills, and set myself up to go back to New England, engagement ring in (red right?) hand. The divorce is moving faster now, and apart from that, I guess I learned a little lesson about hope while I was there. What you believe you can do, you can do. What you don't believe you can do, you can't. I really doubt it's quite that simple, but that's the main gist of things here. Dante wrote in the Inferno- "But lacking hope, we live on in desire." That's partly true, but desire too is a form of hope. A lesser hope, though. Again, what you believe, that becomes truth. I realize there's a greater world out there, a greater hope. For a long time I didn't realize there was something greater out there. It's kind of like I had no vision beyond my next chat with Tabatha, my next cheeseburger or day off. So that became my reality.

There was always that sense of things being out there- a new life, waking up next to Tabatha every morning, but even this wasn't quite the end I was looking for. It's a little harder to define, but there's a sense of deep hope, of something greater than I could ever have imagined. This has always been a problem for me- I get caught up in the details, and miss the big picture. Now I find, the big picture is pretty darn interesting. Hope, perhaps, is belief in the absence of evidence. And absence of evidence, as my academic friends like to say, is not evidence of absence.
Point being, I'm planning on getting a lot done in less time- standing up for what I believe in, fighting for what I want. I guess I let desire replace despair- a step in the right direction, sure, but I'm going to start looking rather at hope than desire. I hope to keep in mind that the petty irritations are just that- petty irritations, not roadblocks. Maybe it's like Buddha once said, about something completely different- how there was a man who got shot with a poison arrow. Obviously, to get rid of the poison, take out the arrow. But the man wanted to know, before he would take out the arrow, who shot it, where they were from, why they shot him, what kind of poison they used, and where they got the poison from. The point being, just pull the fool thing already, and worry about that later. There will be time to figure out all that later, when the poison is safely neutralized. The message I get from this is- prioritize. The important things need attention- the unimportant things, not so much.

Well, have a good Sunday, and I'll remain mindful of what really matters in this world, and in this life.