All Across The Universe

Hap
by Thomas Hardy
If but some vengeful god would call to me
From up the sky, and laugh:
"Thou suffering thing,
Know that thy sorrow is my ecstasy,
That thy love's loss is my hate's profiting!"

Then I would bear it, clench myself, and die,
Steeled by the sense of ire unmerited;
Half-eased in that a Powerfuller than I
Had willed and meted me the tears I shed.

But not so. How arrives it joy lies slain,
And why unblooms the best
hope ever sown?
-Crass Casualty obstructs the sun and rain,
And dicing Time for gladness
casts a moan...
These purblind Doomsters had as readily strown
Blisses about my pilgrimage as pain.

You know, for those who fight for it, life has a flavor the sheltered will never know!
-Lance Henriksen, Sucker Punch

I was obsolete,
Couldn't hear the beat
Staggering about on me old man's feet
But now I'm new rave!
-The Hitcher, Eels

It's often been said that life is a spiral, and that every moment is sacred, if we choose to see it as such. I've had time to write, but actually haven't been doing too much here. Well, that's ok, I figure if I'm going to put it out here for the world to see, it should be worth reading. I received an unexpected gift earlier this week, from the good folks at Circle Sanctuary in Wisconsin, through a support the troops type of operation. So here's a plug for them, and an extra big thank you! They sent me a book- The Outer Temple of Witchcraft by Christopher Penczak. It raises a lot of interesting questions, and asks the reader a great many too. The first one I encountered was, why did you want to be a witch? Okay, question one- what does it mean to be a witch? Does it mean sparkly faeries (might as well spell it right) and seeing the good in all people? Is it wearing a pentacle and casting spells? Is it having a sacred space in your room, apartment, barracks room or whatever it is? Well, it's all those things. It was the first time I was asked this question, and I have to admit, it threw me for a loop. So here's the no-doubt long and involved answer:
As long as I can remember, on occasion I would get a sense of things going on behind the scenes- there's a famous woodcut by one Nicholas Flammarion showing an alchemist peeking behind 'the veil', that is, the surface world, and seeing the celestial spheres, and this huge, complex machine-like affair. It was always there, it just took that glimpse beyond the surface of things to see it. Well, this is not unlike what I myself experienced, though I didn't quite grasp the nature of things, and was to a large extent left guessing. I found a kind of inroad in the Tarot- here was a set of symbols that would point to things beyond the surface of what we could see, and a kind of road map of a greater world than I had imagined. I would say that Buddhism, too, played a role. Officially I still identify as Buddhist, not instead of Wiccan, but rather in addition to it. I know, confusing. But at any rate, there is indeed a larger pattern of things going on, and besides I tend to think of Wicca as the organized-religion aspect of witchcraft. Not all witches (Witches? Does anyone know definitively if that is capitalized or not?) are Wiccans, and not all Wiccans are witches. Penczak identifies the root wicca or wiccae as meaning to bend or shape, in the sense of bending the natural forces around us to accomplish change in accordance with will. Will, not something that seems like a good idea at the time. But at any rate, at some point in the chaos before this life (how's that for poetic?) I had a choice. I can't explain how I know this, but this is how it went down. I had a choice- take on this knowledge, undertake the quest to find out 'what's happening now', or remain in ignorance, but comfortable. Well, a battle with alcoholism, more than a few false starts and countless screw ups and misdirections later, here I am. Everything that's happened, including the things that have left deep scars, have served this purpose. I don't claim to have all the answers, but am working on it, and will continue to do so. Both the journey and the destination are important. It's been a long and involved process of study and guesswork, and trial and error. What I'm hoping to avoid is becoming the next Aleister Crowley. Perhaps it's even egotistical to think that I would be in a position to do that. I know I'm a darn good Tarot reader, and a pretty decent shaman. I don't brag about that, or for that matter advertise that fact. I do find, however, that I often have insight and understanding that can benefit other people, and more often than not, myself. So might as well get used to the idea. At any rate, Crowley was an early 20th century occultist and prominent member of the Golden Dawn society. He was rather brilliant, I have to admit. But personally, he was rather an insufferable jackass- flamboyant, hedonistic and self-promoting to the very end. He did contribute a good deal to the study of magic, however. Again, magic is one of those buzzwords I've had to get used to. It's real, it works, so get used to it, I tell myself. Magic deals with altering probabilities, directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously. This implies a good deal of responsibility, and with this, a good deal of altruism. No one is independent, so to do good for ourselves, we do good for everyone. In order to do this, we need knowledge and understanding. I find it's both an art and a science- like all sciences it has rules and principles, though its exact manifestation and execution depend to a great extent on the person doing it.
So here I find myself- a potential force for good or destruction, and it's pretty much up to me. It's a bit like driving a car- it can be a very dangerous thing if not controlled, but if a skilled hand is at the wheel, it'll get you where you need to go. One of the lessons I've learned in Afghanistan has been how to claim your own power, and become a controlling force in your own life. Take command, in other words. This is not always easy, but is indeed necessary and important. So long story slightly less long, this is the how and why of me being a witch. I have to admit, I like the title, too. It fits, and, well, it's just so darn cool. But never let ego get in the way (see previous). Where I go from here, I don't know. The more I learn, it seems the less I actually know! From one point of understanding, you find there's more and more to discover. It seems a little overwhelming at times, but Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm planning on using what I've learned to do two things- set up a business, and to help others. Admittedly, the two are backwards- I'd rather first and foremost keep helping others in mind. As I said, I'm about as close to an expert reader as I'm likely to get any time soon, and can readily discourse on the symbolism, origins, usage and design of the Tarot, and all those other things the scholastically inclined among us like so much. And more than that, I can provide insight and answers. I can also make a couple bucks on the side doing this, though I feel I absolutely have to regard this as a perk, a fringe benefit, not a goal. Pro bono work is very much in my future, and I've found word of mouth travels pretty fast and well if you're good at this kind of thing. Reading here in Afghanistan in a tent has been a challenge, but so far a success. This, of course, when I'm not out fulfilling my duties to the Army.
Does this answer questions, or simply create more? Well, I hope I summed up the situation well enough. It's not a bad life, to be sure, and my greatest hope and fear is that I'm not just deluding myself, and that the doubts I sometimes feel are without foundation. I guess the results more than anything else speak for themselves. There was a time when I was not proud of who I was, and there are things I've done I would give anything to take back. But they have ultimately made me the person I am today, and taught me lessons that will not soon be forgotten. If life is a spiral, let's hope it continues to be an upward one. Whether or not my experience is really that unique, I kind of doubt. There are too many similar instances across too many different cultures and times. Sitting behind the wheel, hand on the stick, the only question is, where do we go, and who gets to pick the radio station?