The Year In Review

This time,
Don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
My god, amazing how we got this far
It's like we're chasing all those stars
Who's driving shiny big black cars,
And every day I see the news-
all the problems that we could solve...
-Secrets, One Republic

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now...
Hayley Williams, Airplanes


2011 In Review- The Songs
Here's a list of songs that have been significant, had some profound meaning, or generally just reflected the sentiments of this past year- I would make a playlist, but I'm not that technologically proficient, besides, most of them you can look up anyway- so here goes, 2011 in songs!
Du Hast, Rammstein
400 Bucks, Reverend Horton Heat
Fashion Freak, Naked Ape
Brutal Planet, Alice Cooper
Keeper Of The Stars, Tracy Byrd
Gods and Punks, Monster Magnet
My Girlfriend's Girlfriend, Type O Negative
Space Lord, Monster Magnet
Secrets, One Republic
Clap Your Hands, Pale Young Gentleman
Airplanes, B. O. B.
Bring Me To Life, Evanescence
Paralyzer, Finger Eleven




So it's the end of the year, and it's been an interesting one! I kind of feel like I missed a great deal of goings-on, being over here in Afghanistan, but the new year promises adventure and moving forwards by leaps and bounds! I've learned a lot, and been through a great deal of new experiences, and hopefully am a better person because of them. My main goal for 2012 is nothing too grand, but rather just get home to my family, and my dear wife. It seems like I spend more time apart than I do at home, but I guess sometimes that's the cost of service. But all this time has been a learning experience- what works, what doesn't. Can that really be translated into, for lack of a better term, a better life? I'd like to think so, and am still wondering if really it's true that this world is what we make of it. Omnes Mundum Facimus, as I read in a book once. Bad Monkeys, by Matt Ruff, if you ever get a chance to read it. Highly recommended. It translates as the world is what we make it- our actions, decisions and choices make the world we live in. This has been a big part of this year for me, and probably the culmination of a long process- discovering that first, if you don't act, you get acted upon, and can either be a force for change or ride the waves. This second is not always a good thing, as you may find yourself somewhere you don't want to be. It's not so much being aggressive as it is kind of following the Wiccan definition of magic, of all things- create change in accordance with will. Sounds simple, but there's a catch- know what your will is. It's not what you want to do, what would be good, but rather, what you can do to shape the world the way you want it. One of my biggest fears is, well, the unknown. Is the economy really that bad? Will I be struggling to find employment if I can't reenlist in the Army? Are there sweeping budget cuts across the DOD to prevent us from reenlisting? It's not exactly a cake job, but it pays the bills, and if possible I'll stick with it. But if not, will I end up pushing carts at Wal Mart and flipping burgers to make ends meet? If so, I don't have a problem with that, as long as I can take care of the family, I'll call it good. There are supposedly lots of opportunities out there for ex-military, if it comes to that, and I have lots of useful qualifications that will give me an edge in the job market. But it comes down to the simple fact that I haven't had to look for work, and don't know what the situation looks like. Is this another example of the world being what you make of it? We can only pull ourselves up by our bootstraps so much, we need the government on our side, and to be honest, the government no longer has any real relation to the people it claims to represent. When was the last time you were able to express concerns to an elected representative? The local municipal level, sure- but try getting the attention of anyone on Capitol Hill, and you're way ahead of me.
But at the same time, I'm cautiously optimistic. I have tons of motivation. It reminds me of that Monty Python sketch about jumping over the English Channel- "you see, if you're five miles out over the English Channel with nothing but sea underneath you, there's a very great impetus to stay in the air." So I'm hoping that momentum carries me through whatever comes next, and that I can translate that into success. I know not all wealth is measured in money, though. Well, all I can do is hope, work hard, and then work hard some more. When a rock meets an immovable force we have one of two things- either my daughter and my ex-wife, or something's got to give. I often complain about how I can't see the whole picture, just the next step. Go figure, I can read the future (so to speak) for other people, yet there are areas of my own life that aren't crystal clear- just a general sense of what's going on, details to follow. But I know I'm on the right track, and intend to stay there. My wish for this upcoming year is for all of us to find our true calling, go where we need to go, and never back down when we face a challenge- because challenges are the things that make us grow. I've found staying in a comfort zone can be, well, comfortable, but remaining there, we stagnate and don't move forwards. Perhaps at some point you get where you need to be, and can look back and say, okay, I did it. I'm not there yet- I think I can at least envision that place, and perhaps even how to get there. But in the meantime, the road ahead is clear but long, and as Lao Tzu said, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Year Six

Recently I had some insight on something I had never really grasped- what a surprise, it's a Tarot card. It's the Six of Cups, which is a card of balance, like all the Sixes. Interestingly, 2012 divided by six produces a repeating decimal- 335.333... and so on. There might be some profound significance to this, I just thought it was kind of cool. But at any rate, back to the cards. The Six of Cups has often been identified as 'nostalgia', looking backwards and fond memories. With this is the emotional context of those memories. But the past can trap people- a good example is the thoroughly creepy Miss Haversham from Dickens' Great Expectations. Here's a woman trapped by an event in her past- in her case, getting stood up at the altar, hence the Miss. At the time of the story, she has not left her house since the wedding, and has not changed or moved anything- including the wedding cake. This is kind of missing the point, however. Though the past can provide positive emotions, it shouldn't control us, and this is what the card is pointing to. All the Sixes have balance as a common thread- here, that balance is expressed in drawing strength from the past, but perhaps using that strength to move out of a comfort zone and avoid stagnation in the present. When the time comes to move forwards, it's best to act, not wait.
The remaining three Sixes reflect this as well- first, the Six of Swords- commonly associated with travel, it represents moving from one place to another, in some sense of the term. But it carries the sense of moving from some established place to the unknown- a foundation for further exploration, one could say. I particularly liked one version of the card I've seen, which has the common (read: Rider-Waite symbolism) of a boat with six swords in it. In this case, the boat is leaving across a lake, at the shore of which is a burning house. Seems pretty clear there, though this might be a rather extreme example.
Next, the Six of Wands- here we also see a balance- the card commonly represents victory, and the accolades coming from a victory. Here the balance is on the one hand, what led up to this victory in the first place. On the other, the potential coming from it- often victories, whatever form they take, can lead to a positive set of conditions for new growth and development. So here is both realized potential and unrealized potential.
The Six of Pentacles represents altruism, and giving. The type of giving here is that which benefits everyone- the Law of Three, as Wiccans like to quote, works both ways. Usually the law refers to negative or harmful actions- when these are done, the person who does them receives that energy back three times over. The same is true for positive or helpful actions- what benefits one person often has farther-reaching effects- benefiting more people than may have first been apparent. Here the focus is on resources, be they money, time, or other somewhat tangible assets. Again, there's a balance here. On the one hand, again we find a known- in this case, the resources that are given out. On the other, the potential good those resources can do.
So the common thread among the sixes is balance, though in two types- on the one hand we have an established foundation- that which we know. On the other hand, that which exists as potential until we make use of it. It's almost the end of the year, which means in a way we have the same situation- my wish is to take the positives from this year and use them to build a future, in essence. Move forwards, not back, from the good things that have happened this year to the potential for still greater good next year.
The Sixes in the Tarot are 'governed' or correspond to the Lovers card- another symbol of balance. Here we have two halves, be they a couple or some more abstract expression of paired and complementary opposites, and with this, the potential coming from that pair. The present combined with the potential of the future creates a kind of dynamic, bringing about change. Whether or not this change is for the better or worse remains up to us to decide.

The Known Unknown

Oh, Life on the outside ain't what it used to be.
Y'know, the world's gone crazy,
and it ain't safe on the streets.
Well, it's a drag, I know,
there's only one place to go.
Baby, back where I come from,
I'm comin' home.

Oh, Life on the inside ain't what it used to be.
Y'know, the kids have gone crazy,
and they'll stick you for a slice of cheese.
Oh, it's a drag, I know,
there's only one place to go.
Baby, back where I come from,
I'm comin' home.

-Cheeseburger, I'm Comin' Home
The weather has gotten much colder here, but apart from that it's pretty much business as usual. Today we cleaned out a sea trailer (like a semi's trailer without wheels) which we use for storage in the motor pool. It was pretty dinged up, which had happened before we got there, or before it came to its current location- no doubt many adventures could be told if its steel hide could speak! But we replaced it with a new one, and just as well, as we got a chance to reorganize it and dispose of a lot of the junk that accumulated there over the time it had been in use. Leave it a little better than you found it is the commonly followed rule in the Army. Speaking of which, my dear wife is over at our soon-to-be new house, in Ellington. I wound up doing a reading for the place, to see how everything looked there. Tabatha was telling me that there was only one place she felt unwelcome, and that was the basement. So I decided to see what could be seen. Luckily it turned out to be nothing major, just that the place had been standing empty for a while, and just needed to be cleaned out. Today my parents are headed over there to do that, so great big thank you to them! I recommended a protection spell on the house- I'm not overly familiar with smudging, which is what they'll be doing, and whether or not that includes protection. I tend to think of the two separately- first you clear it out, then you kind of seal it off, then you can fill it with what you want. But that's just me.
At any rate, it's becoming easier to do readings out here- there's the same energy running through here as there is back home, though it's harder to find. It's not strictly necessary to do readings, but helps tremendously! At any rate, I have a good feeling about this house. Again, I'm still shooting in the dark as to a great many of the reasons behind everything, but am doing pretty well! I've learned a lot out here, and gotten in pretty decent shape! The main thing has been to make that a habit, and go to get my daily dose of picking things up and putting them down even if all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep! There's some time period that if you do something for that long, it becomes a habit. I think it's two weeks, I don't know. At any rate, it's getting so I feel like I need to get through that part of my routine. (I know, obsessive-compulsive people say the same thing, but this seems more a matter of comfort and yes, habit than anything else). I'm running a good deal too, to offset the potential of just getting big and bulky and not having the lung power to back it up. Besides, it's usually more interesting to run outside, but not in sub-zero-smells-like-burning-tires-next-to-the-chemical-plant Bagram! And you can wear headphones on the treadmill, something you can't do outside for safety reasons.
Thus pass most of my days, and at night we go out on patrol or perhaps a daytime mission. I've learned the route from here to Kabul pretty well, and it's always something new to see in this strange land! So overall, things are positive here. But that song above has been stuck in my head for the past couple days- why now, I don't know. It actually appears in the (no longer on the air, I don't think) cartoon Superjail, which someone with way too much time on their hands came up with. While jail is not home, I'm glad to say, going out here does have the same surreal vibe that this cartoon does. You can probably catch a few episodes on adult swim or youtube. No, it really doesn't make any sense. Neither does life, most of the time. But you can just sit back, enjoy the ride, and go from there! I for one am indeed comin' home, though not just yet. Eight more weeks, and I'll be scrubbing down the floors, packing my duffel bags and catching a bird back to Oklahoma. If you're familiar with Fort Sill, you'll perhaps understand why the Superjail theme seems particularly apropos in this case. Besides, it's a catchy song.
But to more important matters- still, I'm not sure what happens next- what the next step on the path is. I'd like to reenlist, I do like having a stable job and not having too many worries. On the other hand, I'd sure like to spend a little more time with the family. Can the two be done together? Time will tell. I plan to explore all my options, and see where the road turns next. In the meantime, I'm having a hard time concentrating (or worrying, for that matter) about it, because I'm too busy getting excited about finishing my tour of duty up here and getting on homewards! From Oklahoma, I'll be soon taking yet another flight back to Connecticut! This is, of course, if my car ever gets fixed! That would be nice, and failing all else, I'll just do it when I get back there myself. In the meanwhile, back into the cold! Hope everyone has a great holiday, however you choose to mark the occasion, and I'll see you all on the other side!

When The Man Comes Around

The hairs on your arm will stand up
At the terror in each sip and in each sup
For you partake of that last offered cup
Or disappear into the potter's ground
When the man comes around
-Johnny Cash, When The Man Comes Around

I've been kind-of following articles on this so-called "war on Christmas". It's a little puzzling to me, and seemingly a little misplaced. In a nutshell, here's the skinny- a group or groups of people want to keep the Christian holiday in the forefront, and have retailers say "Christmas" instead of "Holidays", and generally want the "majority religion" (this is a direct quote from the website www.waronchristmas.com) represented in the secular world.
Wow, where do I start? Atheists are taking out bus ads (also a direct quote from previous), there are lists of retailers who are "pro-Christmas", and the list goes on. It seems that with all the wrongs in the world, this is a pretty minor one. Personally, I don't get offended when people say "Merry Christmas!" Thanks for the sentiments, I say, and I wish you the same! I don't really celebrate Christmas per se, as I'm not a Christian, but if a Jewish guy or gal came up to me and said "Happy Hannukah!" I'd appreciate it just as much, and wish them well, too! I hope these people do indeed have a merry Christmas, or a happy Hannukah! It's a time of year to look on the bright side of things, and be grateful for the life, family and friends we have. And to look forwards to the promise of a new year, and hope that things are forever looking up.
Now to the technical aspects of it. Let's see, there is indeed a Christian holiday that corresponds to the old Pagan holiday of Yule. The term, I'm told, comes from the Norse word iul, meaning wheel. During this time, it was thought that the Oak King (the ruler of the 'warm' half of the year) defeats and kills the Holly King (the ruler of the 'cold' half of the year.) Thus Yule marks the coming new year, though winter still holds sway over the land. It's a recognition that spring will come, and the hope and promise of that new year. I've also heard (less substantiated here) that Santa Claus represents the Holly King, and his ride to the Land of Shadows on the solar chariot. This is a little more of a rough approximation, I've found. But gifts are given to mark the occasion of these two Kings, one abdicating power, his time spent, and the other preparing to take the throne in his place.
Another Pagan aspect more or less preserved is that of lights and fire- the Celts would burn a Yule log, often of oak, symbolizing the Oak King. Having a fire is often a Christmas tradition, though its roots may simply be family tradition. Nowadays a variation on this is common, using a log with three candles in it (pagans are big on threes, in this case symbolizing the three forms of the Goddess, maiden, mother and crone). So point being, there's a good deal of Pagan symbolism that goes unnoticed in the modern Christmas celebration. The Christmas tree, also, predates Christianity.
However, this is not to say that Christmas is just Paganism in disguise. As time has gone on, the holiday has come to mean different things to different people. And everyone should be free to exercise their own traditions, and imbue them with their own meanings. As to whether Christianity is the "majority religion', who knows? It's certainly a prominent one. But I wonder, why are these War On Christmas people so worked up? Is Christianity going somewhere? If we don't see Christmas trees and hear carols (over and over and over, until we're ready to beat ourselves or someone else senseless with a Yule log...) the day after Thanksgiving, are we all going to start sacrificing goats and dancing around the Beltane fires? (Yes, I know it's nowhere near Beltane, just seemed like a convenient reference). Why do we need Christmas defended? First off, retailers are less concerned about Christmas than they are sales. Hell, if Halloween was a major gift-giving holiday, guess what we would see come the end of September? To say holidays instead of Christmas seems like an attempt to include other faiths and practices as well- kind of like "It's a time of year a lot of people celebrate Christmas, but if you don't celebrate Christmas, that's cool too, but have a good time anyway!" Kind of like a waiter saying "enjoy your meal". You could order a steak, and your waiter could be a vegetarian. See what I mean? It's an attempt to make things relative to each of us, I think. I kind of liked Jeff Schweitzer's comment in the Huffington Post- "A Christian complaining that Christmas is under attack when submerged in that holiday's ubiquitous presence is like a fish in the Pacific Ocean complaining that there is not enough water. A lone humanist swimming in the middle of that vast ocean would be hard pressed to agree that water was in insufficient supply".
From what I can gather, the concern is that we'll be forced to not celebrate Christmas- mobs of angry secularists will go from house to house, pulling down Christmas lights and burning Santa Claus in effigy, or something like that. Now here's the stinger- doesn't the fact that you, those in support of Christmas, want to celebrate your holiday in peace, mean that you by logical extension should grant the right to others? Do we have a right to be free of Christmas decorations, if they offend our (prurient?) sensibilities? Of course not, that's silly. Would a Christian get offended if someone has a Star of David tattoo as a symbol of pride in their Semitic origins? Or if someone wears a kilt because they are proud of their Scottish heritage? No- everyone has a right to individual freedom of expression, barring anything illegal or harmful to others. If your skin is that thin that this type of display might offend you, I suggest that the problem lies not with those people who choose to decorate the house, but rather with you yourself. I think Christmas lights are cool, and like to see the displays people go through the trouble to put up. It's kind of a Christmas gift (or Yule gift, or Hanukkah gift, or whatever) that they share with the rest of the world- hey, come check this out, hope it makes you smile! People are entitled to their opinions. I for one am all about the "Christmas skeleton" idea the wife and I concocted a while back- leftover Halloween decorations for Christmas. Sure, it doesn't make sense, but wouldn't it be good for a laugh? Stick a red hat on him, and there you go! Silliness ensues, and hopefully it has the same effect as more traditional Christmas decorations- making people smile!
So, drawing this rant to a close- it seems this isn't about Christmas going anywhere. Again, I'll observe Yule, and my thoughts will be with family and friends, both those here in Afghanistan and those back home. The War on Christmas seems to be little more than media hype, something to fill the headlines between what Charlie Sheen said about the Queen Elizabeth, Justin Bieber's ties to the Illuminati, and other things that, in the long run, no one really gives a damn about, and don't matter in the slightest. So here's to the Oak King, may his rule be prosperous for us all, and to the Holly King, may we welcome him again when the time comes for him to once again take his place.

Suicide Swamp Requiem

It's the start of a new week, and I've been getting down to the gym recently, something I haven't been doing recently, I hate to admit. But the good news is, my... what, abilities? Strength? Well, whatever the right word, it hasn't faded. I'm able to pick right up where I left off, instead of having to make up for lost time. I realized that the reason I hadn't been going is not lack of time, nor motivation, it's just that it became a chore and an obligation. Going to the gym, or going running, was always 'me' time. I did and still do track my progress, but the real reason I go is because I enjoy the flow of chi and the fact that exercise can really unwind you. And of course, the massive amounts of weight I can bench press and squat don't hurt, either. It's easy to become obsessive about these things, both your body and exercise, but the important thing is that it remains enjoyable. This is the most common reason I know for people not sticking to an exercise program- it's all work and no play, so to speak. So I like to make it fun, not stress about how much better I'm doing than last week, or anything like that. Being the 21st century hipster that I am, I'm not adverse to making use of technology, and have an application on my phone to kind of serve as a guide and tracker. It allows me to put together an exercise plan, that is, go into a kind of calendar and plug in what exercises I want to do that day, and then how much weight, how many reps, and all that stuff, I did. This is useful in keeping to a routine, and knowing how much of each exercise I can do- it's easy to forget how much you did previously if you don't keep track. Either that or I'm scatterbrained, probably a bit of both.
But the fun thing about this program is that it lets you name your workout routines. The ones that are pre-programmed are kind of basic. So I started coming up with interesting names. One routine is Monkey King Training, which has little to do with the figure of the Buddhist myths, it just sounds cool. I also set up a calisthenics and cardio routine identified in the list as Suicide Swamp training, in a throwback to my early days running trails. There are no real trails to speak of here in Afghanistan, and if there are, well, you'd do well to be running pretty darn fast on them, if you catch my meaning. But Suicide Swamp used to be one of my favorite ways to exercise. The name is a somewhat obscure reference to a video game from way back when, one of the JetMoto games. It was also an 'easter egg' in Twisted Metal 2- an unlockable secret level where you can run around in the course from the original game. But the Suicide Swamp I know and love will always be just off of the Hockanum River on the Manchester-East Hartford line in Connecticut, and was the Laurel Marsh hiking trail. The trail consisted of two parts- one was a short loop, the other was maybe three miles or so of varying terrain, intersecting with a nearby bicycle route at points, and crossing between the two towns. The terrain went from gravel trails to paved roads to difficult, steep terrain intersected with large rocks and tree roots- not good for biking on but great for a challenging run. And this is what makes running enjoyable, I find. Not just going out and pounding pavement for however long you run, but rather getting absorbed in your run, and I found the fact that I really needed to keep my eyes open helps a great deal. Running somewhere is, in and of itself, not one of the more interesting things you can do. However, watching where to put your next foot, clearing rocks, going off on spur trails and generally getting out there makes it enjoyable. A lot of people choose to run trails over city streets, and I definitely see the appeal. Of course, I had to really go nuts and occasionally go out of my way to find obstacles to go off of. New England is not ideal parkour territory, but you can make the nature trails work for you. Parkour is to running what crystal meth is to Red Bull, for those who haven't heard the term before. The basic rule is, don't go around, and it actually incorporates a good deal more of your body (and a great deal more risk) than just straight running. My personal favorite was the 'kickoff'- running at a wall or tree, something that won't get knocked down by you going up it, then jumping in the air, maybe taking a couple steps vertically up the surface (momentum is really your friend here) then, when you're running out of said momentum, kick off with one leg, sail through the air, and hope like hell you know where you're going to land. But my point in all this being, if you're going to exercise, don't make it a drag. Even pushups can be fun. A friend of mine has mastered the fine art of trash talking while doing pushups, making our morning pt sessions more fun. And I find this can apply to the rest of life, too. Life is not all fun and games, true enough. But you can see either roadblocks or challenges, and take that spirit of challenge into your daily life. I'm not suggesting you go catwalking across a railing three floors off the ground (seen this done, don't try it at home), but do know that each of us is a unique force in this world- we may not always be able to change the situation to exactly what we want, but we can always keep that never-say-die attitude alive. Well, that's my motivational poster for today. Keep up the good fight, and remember, we only get one life, at least this time around, so might as well make the most of it!

All Across The Universe

Hap
by Thomas Hardy
If but some vengeful god would call to me
From up the sky, and laugh:
"Thou suffering thing,
Know that thy sorrow is my ecstasy,
That thy love's loss is my hate's profiting!"

Then I would bear it, clench myself, and die,
Steeled by the sense of ire unmerited;
Half-eased in that a Powerfuller than I
Had willed and meted me the tears I shed.

But not so. How arrives it joy lies slain,
And why unblooms the best
hope ever sown?
-Crass Casualty obstructs the sun and rain,
And dicing Time for gladness
casts a moan...
These purblind Doomsters had as readily strown
Blisses about my pilgrimage as pain.

You know, for those who fight for it, life has a flavor the sheltered will never know!
-Lance Henriksen, Sucker Punch

I was obsolete,
Couldn't hear the beat
Staggering about on me old man's feet
But now I'm new rave!
-The Hitcher, Eels

It's often been said that life is a spiral, and that every moment is sacred, if we choose to see it as such. I've had time to write, but actually haven't been doing too much here. Well, that's ok, I figure if I'm going to put it out here for the world to see, it should be worth reading. I received an unexpected gift earlier this week, from the good folks at Circle Sanctuary in Wisconsin, through a support the troops type of operation. So here's a plug for them, and an extra big thank you! They sent me a book- The Outer Temple of Witchcraft by Christopher Penczak. It raises a lot of interesting questions, and asks the reader a great many too. The first one I encountered was, why did you want to be a witch? Okay, question one- what does it mean to be a witch? Does it mean sparkly faeries (might as well spell it right) and seeing the good in all people? Is it wearing a pentacle and casting spells? Is it having a sacred space in your room, apartment, barracks room or whatever it is? Well, it's all those things. It was the first time I was asked this question, and I have to admit, it threw me for a loop. So here's the no-doubt long and involved answer:
As long as I can remember, on occasion I would get a sense of things going on behind the scenes- there's a famous woodcut by one Nicholas Flammarion showing an alchemist peeking behind 'the veil', that is, the surface world, and seeing the celestial spheres, and this huge, complex machine-like affair. It was always there, it just took that glimpse beyond the surface of things to see it. Well, this is not unlike what I myself experienced, though I didn't quite grasp the nature of things, and was to a large extent left guessing. I found a kind of inroad in the Tarot- here was a set of symbols that would point to things beyond the surface of what we could see, and a kind of road map of a greater world than I had imagined. I would say that Buddhism, too, played a role. Officially I still identify as Buddhist, not instead of Wiccan, but rather in addition to it. I know, confusing. But at any rate, there is indeed a larger pattern of things going on, and besides I tend to think of Wicca as the organized-religion aspect of witchcraft. Not all witches (Witches? Does anyone know definitively if that is capitalized or not?) are Wiccans, and not all Wiccans are witches. Penczak identifies the root wicca or wiccae as meaning to bend or shape, in the sense of bending the natural forces around us to accomplish change in accordance with will. Will, not something that seems like a good idea at the time. But at any rate, at some point in the chaos before this life (how's that for poetic?) I had a choice. I can't explain how I know this, but this is how it went down. I had a choice- take on this knowledge, undertake the quest to find out 'what's happening now', or remain in ignorance, but comfortable. Well, a battle with alcoholism, more than a few false starts and countless screw ups and misdirections later, here I am. Everything that's happened, including the things that have left deep scars, have served this purpose. I don't claim to have all the answers, but am working on it, and will continue to do so. Both the journey and the destination are important. It's been a long and involved process of study and guesswork, and trial and error. What I'm hoping to avoid is becoming the next Aleister Crowley. Perhaps it's even egotistical to think that I would be in a position to do that. I know I'm a darn good Tarot reader, and a pretty decent shaman. I don't brag about that, or for that matter advertise that fact. I do find, however, that I often have insight and understanding that can benefit other people, and more often than not, myself. So might as well get used to the idea. At any rate, Crowley was an early 20th century occultist and prominent member of the Golden Dawn society. He was rather brilliant, I have to admit. But personally, he was rather an insufferable jackass- flamboyant, hedonistic and self-promoting to the very end. He did contribute a good deal to the study of magic, however. Again, magic is one of those buzzwords I've had to get used to. It's real, it works, so get used to it, I tell myself. Magic deals with altering probabilities, directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously. This implies a good deal of responsibility, and with this, a good deal of altruism. No one is independent, so to do good for ourselves, we do good for everyone. In order to do this, we need knowledge and understanding. I find it's both an art and a science- like all sciences it has rules and principles, though its exact manifestation and execution depend to a great extent on the person doing it.
So here I find myself- a potential force for good or destruction, and it's pretty much up to me. It's a bit like driving a car- it can be a very dangerous thing if not controlled, but if a skilled hand is at the wheel, it'll get you where you need to go. One of the lessons I've learned in Afghanistan has been how to claim your own power, and become a controlling force in your own life. Take command, in other words. This is not always easy, but is indeed necessary and important. So long story slightly less long, this is the how and why of me being a witch. I have to admit, I like the title, too. It fits, and, well, it's just so darn cool. But never let ego get in the way (see previous). Where I go from here, I don't know. The more I learn, it seems the less I actually know! From one point of understanding, you find there's more and more to discover. It seems a little overwhelming at times, but Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm planning on using what I've learned to do two things- set up a business, and to help others. Admittedly, the two are backwards- I'd rather first and foremost keep helping others in mind. As I said, I'm about as close to an expert reader as I'm likely to get any time soon, and can readily discourse on the symbolism, origins, usage and design of the Tarot, and all those other things the scholastically inclined among us like so much. And more than that, I can provide insight and answers. I can also make a couple bucks on the side doing this, though I feel I absolutely have to regard this as a perk, a fringe benefit, not a goal. Pro bono work is very much in my future, and I've found word of mouth travels pretty fast and well if you're good at this kind of thing. Reading here in Afghanistan in a tent has been a challenge, but so far a success. This, of course, when I'm not out fulfilling my duties to the Army.
Does this answer questions, or simply create more? Well, I hope I summed up the situation well enough. It's not a bad life, to be sure, and my greatest hope and fear is that I'm not just deluding myself, and that the doubts I sometimes feel are without foundation. I guess the results more than anything else speak for themselves. There was a time when I was not proud of who I was, and there are things I've done I would give anything to take back. But they have ultimately made me the person I am today, and taught me lessons that will not soon be forgotten. If life is a spiral, let's hope it continues to be an upward one. Whether or not my experience is really that unique, I kind of doubt. There are too many similar instances across too many different cultures and times. Sitting behind the wheel, hand on the stick, the only question is, where do we go, and who gets to pick the radio station?

Update From Beyond The Wire

Be a still lantern
When all around is roiling darkness
-advice from a dream

It's another beautiful day at Bagram Air Field, where we have a new assignment! This one, fortunately, will be taking us out into the country, usually about once a week or so. We also get days off, incredibly enough! So that's a plus. People complain about how dull the time out there is, eight hours of sitting and doing not much of anything, but really it doesn't seem that bad- beats guard duty, and guard duty was not too bad either. But for now, I still feel acutely the absence of my family. Not much left to do but tough it out, keep my head down and hope for the best. I know the future (hopefully) looks bright- I'm doing everything I can out here to make sure life continues on without a hitch. Like everyone, I occasionally get plagued by doubt, but have hope that in the long run it'll all be worth it.
Seems I can't talk about politics without breaking into a rant, so okay. I'll try and confine it to a few words. The Presidential race has gotten off to its usual farcical start, with people picking and choosing issues to base a campaign on. I'm less than impressed with this crop of would-be leaders of the nation. Same circus, different tent. Meanwhile, nothing continues to get done on a larger and larger scale. And these are the people we trust to run our country? Screw it, think I'll just take over a few hundred acres of Afghanistan and start my own country.
But apart from pro being the opposite of con (and what's the opposite of pro-gress? Think about it, you'll get it), things are okay here. I miss my wife and kids a lot! Not a day goes by I don't think of them, and am looking forwards to being back in good old Connecticut. I did a Tarot reading earlier today which seemed pretty interesting- I'd been feeling awfully low lately, and after writing a long involved email to my wife (a good way to get everything out of my system), I sat down and did a 14-card Celtic Cross reading, with no particular focus except see what the remainder of the year holds, and what to expect down the line:
The first card, (I didn't use a significator card this time around, just luck of the draw, pun kind of intended) was the 5 of Wands. This indicates conflict, as do the 5's in general. This particular card warns of wasting resources and energy- lacking focus, thoughts come and go, many of them troubling, and without clarity of thought, you can easily get distracted into running around in circles and accomplishing nothing. So the initial message here is- put doubt aside, focus on what needs to be done, and be patient.
Covering this was the King of Pentacles- a slow, steady figure, I always thought. In this case, the King represents an aspect of myself/ourselves. It's an answer to the first card- feeling all over the place? Then ground yourself in what's important. And with this, keep in mind that a practical, thought-out approach to this situation will serve you well throughout. I took this in light of a letter I got from the very same dear wife, telling me how she also is trying to do the same thing- remain grounded and practical. One of the many reasons I love that woman with all my heart, and trust her with my life. But at any rate, the message becomes don't be afraid, just draw on your own strength and resources, which will not fail you, and get through this. If a hurricane blows, be like a rock, weathering every storm.
The Past card here was the 5 of Pentacles, also indicating conflict. This tells of missing some resource- fearing the world around you means you miss out on what's right in front of you to help you solve this problem, or right within you. In this case, I think it's my own lack of feeling grounded- finding it hard to concentrate on what's right in front of me. But the upside of this, as there is with all 'negative' cards, is that the answer is there- I just need to be able to find it, and it seems that though things seem confused it may very well be just all in my own mind. I think it's just a sense of feeling rather overwhelmed lately, and feeling alone and far from home. This too, the message seems to be, will pass.
In the Foundation position was the 10 of Pentacles, telling that there is indeed a great deal of resources at my disposal- more than enough to deal with any issue I may face- the question is simply how do I embrace those resources? A part of this is being a sense of overwhelming- if this is the case, I would do well to remember why I'm here- because I want to build a better future for my family, and to make this time count as a jumping-off point for greater and greater things. I don't want to sound full of myself, but I have accomplished a great deal already. I try to take as realistic a perspective as I can on this, neither being too focused on shortcomings or achievements, but rather taking both in balance and considering the situation from there. Sun Tzu said that the man who knows both himself and his enemy will never lose a battle, and that seems true in this case.
In the Near Future position, things get interesting. Here was the High Priestess, indicating new insight, perhaps even growing, learning, one could even say evolving from all these experiences. The High Priestess guards the gateway to new learning, and provides lessons and often riddles to lead the person into new understanding. In this case, however, I think it's more a question of tempering, like steel. Let inner turmoil make you stronger, in other words.
In the Aspirations position, completing the cross shape, was the Queen of Pentacles. Perhaps again an aspect of Tabatha, embracing the same aspects of the situation as I myself need to do.
On to the Future position, where I saw the 3 of Cups and the 7 of Swords- a message that this too, will pass- though I feel alone, that won't be forever- the only constant is, as usual, change. But keep in mind that though we will be back together again, and that nothing can change what we have, I need to avoid complacency; I think of it as training to fight; once you're done training, you're not done- you still have the fight to win. So though you work to get to a certain point, and can lean back on everything you've done and worked for, you still need to keep pressing forwards. And keep things in perspective, again- know when to move, when to hold.
The eighth position tells of hopes and fears- here was the King of Cups, and the 9 of Swords- this position is usually something to do with one or the other, pointing to something you may not readily see, but which can shed light on things. Here I saw first, the King- this card pops up a lot around me, probably because of a somewhat odd zodiac chart- my sun sign is Libra, an Air sign, and most of the time I find a lot of Air tendencies. But the vast majority of the other planetary signs are Scorpio- a Water sign. If I wanted to flatter myself (and I may actually be right, who knows?) I'd say that points to an insight into the more esoteric aspects of the world. But what does this have to do with this position? Extrapolating a bit, simply this- that I need to keep a clear mind about the world around me, and avoid getting too lost in my own thoughts and imagination- unfortunately, always a possibility. But knowing which way is up will hopefully prevail!
In the 9th position was the 4 of Swords and the 5 of Swords- another 5, here also indicating conflict, but with an eye towards again taking a new perspective. The 5 of Swords tells of a futile approach- banging your head against the wall, in other words, and there's only one real answer for that- change the way you approach the problem! For now that might not be possible, as I'm kind of stuck in the situation I'm in. But Swords are an intellectual suit, so perhaps again it's just a matter of how you think about it. The 4 tells me don't beat your head against the wall- no sense running yourself mentally ragged, going over the same old ground again and again. Sometimes the best thing you can do is take a step back and review.
The final position tells of the outcome- in this case, what can we expect down the road, what will come of all this time, all the weight of a heavy heart? Here was the 2 of Cups and the 5 of Cups- first, that I'll be back home soon, where I belong, and that again, don't let doubts and questions with no answers get the better of you. Be where you are, as Buddha would probably say. Realize that things will never be perfect if you think in terms of "if only ... would happen, things would be perfect". There will always be that if only, things will never get to the point where you can say you'll want nothing else. But at the same time, I know simply being home will go a great ways towards making things seem a little lighter. The time here will, among other things, remind me of what I left behind, and what I have to live for in this world. Any struggle, any sacrifice, is worth that. And besides, though emotions tend to come and go, I know that there's an unmoving foundation underneath it all. It'll all work out not because we have some magical cure for everything, but rather it'll work out because we work to make it so. We decide our own fate, in other words. So fight the good fight, come home, and live a long, full life, it seems to say. Okay, I can live with that. Steel is tempered by fire, so I'm hoping the same thing will happen with me. It's not always easy facing the daily grind out here, but there are things worth fighting for in this world.

Random Editorial

Wow, post number 300! I just figured, that would need some recognition, not that it matters overmuch. Here it is, middle of the night, and I should be going to sleep, but instead decided to comment on an article I recently came across. The link is here, should you want to read it- http://www.examiner.com/spirituality-in-rockford/halloween-is-not-just-about-costumes-and-candy . This seems to be more about looking for a fight than anything else- I too recognize Samhain, though this year wasn't able to do much more than keep it in my thoughts and meditations, and remember those who have passed away. Samhain is not Halloween, as Halloween derives from All Hallow's (Saint's) Eve, the day when Christians remembered their saints that have died. Like many Christian holidays, they picked up on the pagan calendar-many people say it was to stamp out the old religion- however, I'm guessing in many cases it was a little more benign than that. My own patroness, Tara, was originally a central figure in a snake-worshiping shaman cult throughout the Himalayas. She became recognized as a Buddhist deity not because Buddhism came and tried to stamp it out, but rather through a synthesis of old and new- taking new information or ideas and maybe bending them a little bit to fit into an existing belief system.
Whether or not Christianity did this is frankly speculative, though it's easy to ascribe less than benign motives. At any rate, in this article our Pagan friend states that a local church holds a harvest festival of some stripe or another. Okay, with you so far- clearly, this church is trying to take what we traditionally regard as Halloween out of the picture. That's fine, if we are free to celebrate Samhain, other people should likewise be free to celebrate the harvest. But the author goes on to complain how little, if any, emphasis is placed on the cycles of the earth, and the old Samhain we know. Which makes me wonder- exactly what did you expect? This is not to take pot shots at the church, easy though that is. (Okay, one shot). But why would you expect a church function to be centered around anything but that church's own belief system? Don't worry, guys- no one is cancelling the wheel of the year, it will keep spinning as always.
The author also points out that churches recruit- yes, they do. Whether or not you choose to go to, be involved with, or otherwise be associated with that church is up to you- I'm pretty sure the church members will not tie you up in a basement and brainwash you, and you will go on being free to be your wonderful witchy selves, or wonderful Christian selves, whichever way you may be inclined.
My point is simply this- some people who profess the Christian faith manage to live exactly opposite of what it teaches- love, understanding, kindness and acceptance of others. (Yes, all these are tenets of the Christian faith, just like Wicca, or Buddhism). Does this mean that all Christians are bad, or the enemy? No- an enemy is defined by actions. I for one know what I believe in, and how my world operates. I don't need to go looking for fights. Let's all just get along, celebrate whatever holidays we choose, and discuss things like grownups. Generalizing people based on affiliations is never a good idea- listen to others, and hear what they have to say. Then use your own intelligence, rationality and general thinking-type stuff to formulate your own ideas. If everything was spelled out for us, in the Bible, in the sky, or anywhere else, you'd figure we would have a lot less wars, suffering and pain in the world. But we don't. What does that tell you? It tells me, never give up hope for the future, never be afraid to have your ideas challenged, and send me lots of money. (Hey, it works for TV preachers, figured I'd give it a shot). But at any rate, 300 posts later, I for one often feel the more I learn, the more I find there is that I don't know! But you have to start somewhere, and whatever force governs the creation of the universe has hidden clues everywhere- I often think that all the answers are hidden right in front of me, yet I only occasionally get a glimpse. Well, good people, someday we'll see clearly, I would guess. In the meantime, fight the good fight, and remember that hope springs eternal.

Kick Start The Broomstick

As above, so below
Place your bets which way the head will roll
Made in your image, we are at least
As twisted and mean as thee
-Aurelio Voltaire, The Headless Waltz
So we're now in the official 'dark half' of the year, when winter comes, the harvest is done with, and it gets cold and dark. No wonder way back when people began to associate winter with death. Not that this is a morbid or bad thing, just the way it is. Spring comes, it gets warmer, and life goes on. I'm wondering if the change in temperature (even out here on the far side of the world) is responsible for the fact that I'm having a hard time getting started in the morning, and finding I need to overcome some inertia each morning to get going. Once I manage that though, it's no big deal. Usually this is to get down to the gym, aided by a couple cups of coffee.
Another reason could be spending too much time out here away from home, family and all the things I used to take for granted. I miss the trees, forests, low elevation and even the lousy weather of the northeast, and am looking forwards to getting home again. I've been wondering, what difference does being back there make? Something about native soil, maybe? It seems like the 'feel' of the place I used to know, back in the States, is gone here- it's different. There's still air to breathe, still chi to draw upon when I work out or run, but something's missing. It's kind of like a sense of knowing what's going on around you, like knowing how the car engine works without actually seeing it, or perhaps feeling your heart beat, and your lungs aspirate, and feeling the blood flow through its channels- I feel like this sometimes after a good run. Here, I feel like that's missing. Perhaps it's the distance between myself and what I'm familiar with- all that is on the other side of the world.
So what to do? Well, there's the old adage that's particularly true for situations like this, fake it until you make it. A lot of the time it's just a question of pushing past the inertia, moving in any direction instead of no direction at all. This may sound crazy to some people, but I have a hard time tapping into the surrounding energy of this place, seeing as it's largely absent, as far as I can tell. Could be I'm so used to certain types that I miss the obvious here, also. But at any rate, I'm guessing that like the thin air here, it'll only serve to toughen me up, and I'll be that much better off when I get back to my native land, in several senses of the word. At any rate, weeks become months, and time continues its slow march towards wherever it's going. I hope the winter goes well for everyone, we're all holding down the fort here!

Samhain Forever

It's Halloween, and the sun is shining here. Looks like Connecticut got pretty slammed with a big snowstorm last night, which is unfortunate. I hope that this didn't cut too much into anyone's celebrations! But on the other hand, better to be safe. Samhain (I can't get out of the habit of thinking in terms of the old pagan name for it, and thinking of it in terms of a sabbat) seems to remind me that I'm not in New England any more, strange as it may seem. Why today, of all days, when I've been here for a couple months already? I tend to think it's because of the cultural emphasis put on this particular day- not that there's anything wrong with that- it's fun, and most people are looking for an excuse to have a good time anyway! But I do feel kind of detached from everything I know out here- perhaps this is why the dirt from the grave of an ancestor is said to be more potent than just regular graveyard dirt in spells. Perhaps also, when you live all your life in one particular area, you become kind of in tune with the place, and learn to draw on the power of that place. But at any rate, I'll be back home in good old high-cost-of-living Connecticut before too long, and will be done here in good time. It has, however, made me realize how fortunate I am to find myself in the situation I'm in, and realize that no matter what happens, I'll still be standing when the storm has passed, whatever that storm may be.
But at any rate, enjoy this Samhain, remember those who have gone before us- this life is but the tip of the iceberg, it seems. Not that there's such a better life beyond death, I don't know, not being dead, but more often than not there's a great deal more going on than meets our everyday eyes! And we, the people, are also much more than we seem- perhaps even to ourselves! In the oracle deck The Hidden Path is a card named "Cthonic Roots", showing a picture of a tree with roots extending deep into the ground. This is a very good analogy for our own position in this world- we too have deep roots, and a good deal more to us than we see, show other people, or in some cases, are even aware of. The further down you go, the more you find you're connected to everything else in the world. So enjoy today, and hold onto hope for tomorrow, and remember, we're all in it together! Happy Samhain, everyone!

Beds Are Burning

It's that time of year again, Samhain, Halloween, All Saint's Eve, whatever you call it. Looks like I won't be too much able to do any major celebrating here in country, but that's okay- you all go and have a good time for me! Things are settling into routine here, though I've finally managed to shake off some illness I can only describe as malaise- my schedule allows me to sleep for perhaps 12 hours before I need to report in, which I actually did a couple days ago. Perhaps it was a virus, getting passed around like a peace pipe in our tent- this is certainly not unknown, we had some nasty bug make the rounds in basic training, too. But I'm now back to normal, going to the gym just about every day- I'm not gaining or losing weight, which is good, because neither is my intention, just to build up strength. Actually, there's not a lot else going on around here, to be honest. Some people play computer games, some others work out, with the same intention of killing time between duty shifts. This seems to be a pretty good way to handle the everyday life of being deployed. It somehow got out that I read Tarot cards, so I spent a good chunk of the day doing readings, not that I mind. I would have liked an environment a little more conducive to concentration, but hey, what can you do? Make do is the name of the art out here, much like the rest of life. Which, it seems, marches on without me.
At some point, I should probably make some comment on the whole Occupy Wall Street movement- is it because people can't find jobs? I'm really still of two minds on this- one has the Horatio Alger mentality of you can work your tail off, and eventually enjoy the rewards of hard work- the other half is not so sure. I don't like the concentration of wealth in the country- assuming that wealth is unearned. But yet another facet of this question is, does wealth exist in a vacuum? Well, wealth and money are two completely different things, as experience teaches me. But money is defined by its ends- money in and of itself is potential, not actuality. Say I have several thousand dollars- while it's sitting in the bank, it's not doing me any good, save earning interest. When I put that money to work, say in a business, it then has the potential to generate more money. Now here it gets interesting. How does it generate money? By people purchasing whatever goods or services it is my business deals in. Now, it's all well and good to, let's say, produce furniture. I can then sell this furniture. But now consider the conditions necessary for me to sell furniture- I need a market, people willing and able to buy this furniture. Say the average disposable income is $10 for furniture, in the average budget. Yet I'm charging an average of $500 per piece. It's unlikely I'll stay in business very long- I need people to be able to afford my furniture. But wait, say I can hire people to work in my factory, pay them a salary that allows them to be able to afford my furniture- well, there you go! The point I'm trying to get at here is that those who hold the reins of business need the common people. They, the business people of the world, do not live in an ivory tower, from which they can exploit the working people. A capitalist system has some merits- in theory it allows for infinite human creativity, development and potential. Wherein new innovations and inventions can be turned to profit, they can be turned to profit in such a way that they increase the standard of living, and thus create more disposable income, which in turn can be used to fuel further and further creative developments and research. In other words, what Ayn Rand described as rational self-interest comes into play. Why neither this nor Marxism, its polar opposite, works, remains kind of a mystery to me. But history indicates pretty clearly that people en masse rarely if ever actually act in their own best interest.
So back to Wall Street. It seems to me that simply protesting the crappy economy doesn't quite cover everything that needs to be done. This is not to discount the value of individual action, I'm a firm believer in the adage "Better to light one candle than curse the darkness". But this particular candle flame should come in terms of living within your means, or finding a way for your means to cover your living. This may require a radical thinking of what we consider important, and consider as priorities. I'd like to think I'm a pretty spiritual type of guy (generally I'd say run screaming from anyone who says they are 'spiritual', but bear with me here), and that there are more important, perhaps less tangible things in this life that bear examination. Happiness comes from within, not without. Does this explain why people are often buried under in debt? In some cases, yes. In others, no. The system definitely needs an overhaul, and a part of this is doing away with the credit system. Credit is all well and good, for those things that you can actually afford, and can be translated into tangible value- say, a car or house. These types of credit have actual backing. Yet credit also translates as speculation- with this, we have quite a house of cards indeed, banking on the speculation rather than anything actual. This is like investing in the promise of a return, not the actuality of a return. When the investors call in their IOUs and there's no money, what then? Unfortunately, this is exactly what has been going on for quite a while, and explains the drop in the Federal government's credit rating. When the very government meant to oversee the lending and distribution of money is no longer trusted by the institutions that same government has created, then there's something rotten in Denmark indeed!
So to sum this long rambling entry up- this may well be the intestinal product flying rapidly towards the air circulation device, or just a flash in the pan. It will depend, to a large extent, on what the next step is going to be- for better or worse. As for me, I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing, like, it seems, most of the nation is doing. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and most importantly of all, live every day in the moment- you don't get another one quite like it! Every day is, indeed, a gift.

The King Of Cups- Sanity Not Included

Super Happy Fun Gore! I couldn't pass this one up, as it's kind of a double meaning, seeing as my wife's name is Kitty. Well, that's not what it says on her birth certificate, but that's what everyone calls her, and what she calls herself, so there you go! If she was to wear armor like that, I have no doubt it would be purple.
At any rate, I've been thinking a good deal out here in the wilds of Afghanistan- like most deployments, you do have some down time, and I've been doing a lot of thinking. It seems things are not the same as when I left Oklahoma, and this is not a bad thing. How so? I know I've changed, and things are indeed different now. Perhaps the main difference is one of perspective, yet does not perspective fuel action, and action in turn heralds change? True, I could sit here and tell you, dear readers, that I can turn the sky purple and make it rain chocolate sauce, but without a practical demonstration, it's just talk. Now there's a catch-22 for you, I know perfectly well that things have changed here, but can't put that into practical application until I get back to the States.
So what has changed? Well, I know I've developed a great deal of confidence, and plan to run my own life, rather than being a result of circumstance and fate. I have a family to take care of, and no sacrifice is too great for them. I don't want to lose all the gains I've made in this life, wherever the road leads to next. It's good not to have alcohol around, although this is becoming less and less of an issue. I still don't really subscribe to the AA model of 'this is a disease, you don't have a choice in the matter', rather, it seems defined by your own perspective and what you choose to do or choose not to do. So in the present, though we're not immune from karma, we can act to determine our future. I'm not looking forward to going back to Lawton, as it's kind of a slum, in the worst sense of the word- not a low-income area, which does not a slum make- rather, it's a money sponge that seems to willfully refuse to improve. Without Fort Sill, there would be no town here, just the Goodyear tire plant sitting in the middle of nowhere- it's on the outskirts of the town, meaning most all of the plant employees don't live in town. This negativity does tend to wear on me, though I'd like to think out here in the wilds, dealing with 2-4's command nonsense (I could use a few other terms here, but I'll let that euphemism stand for now), I've become a good deal more resilient, being thrown on my own resources to a very great extent. In some ways it's like basic training- sink or swim, you determine that yourself. Remember what you're fighting for, I often tell myself. And the fight doesn't end when I get back to Connecticut, or back to Fort Sill, for that matter. It may sound like a huge chore to remain vigilant all the time, constantly watching yourself- but not actually. I find that the more I use of whatever fuel is in me and around me, the more there is. Standing on the shoulders of giants? Perhaps. Rather it's like coasting after your massive engine has driven you to incredible speeds and over incredible distances- you know that power is there when you need it, but don't use it to go charging into the wall- even if the wall will lose.
I hope this all makes sense, I'm often finding myself searching for just the right word. If it all boiled down to one thing, that one thing would be, things are getting better. They have not always been roses, but come the day, come the hour. Life will ultimately get better, provided that you make it so. Hope springs eternal, after all. And hope is one thing I have in spades.

Roam, If You Want To

When I get back to the States, and get settled back in to New England, I was thinking about going into business, reading the Tarot. It seems like there's a hundred different things to do between now and then- the only clothes I have ready access to are uniforms- all my 'civvies' are in storage- kind of a strange feeling, when you think about it. Well, I'm in a combat zone, so it's kind of a world unto itself.
At any rate- how to approach this? Hang a sign on the front door, saying 'hey, come get your fortune told?' Well, that's one way. I honed my skills putting out an ad on Craigslist- email me your questions, I'll email you back an answer. Good, but I think I can do more. I've done a couple here down range, which is rather like that Milky Way commercial, where people attempt to swim in a pool full of caramel. It's perhaps being in a different country, somehow the 'energy' (there's no doubt some proper term for whatever it is we tap into, but I don't know what it is). It just requires a bit more concentration here and there, a little closer examination to pick up the thread. Again, trying to find the right words- I deny being 'psychic', or any such thing. I'm not in it for the money, though I do recognize that a good reader can make money. I'm hoping that this is possible without compromising anything. I don't see why not!
The first step was to come up with a name- why this is, and if it's the way most businesses are run, I don't know, but it seemed like a good jumping-off point. So I decided to scrap the technically-borrowed name and come up with a different one- the result was Wind Horse Tarot. The Wind Horse is a Tibetan mythological figure, who goes flying around bearing the jewel of the Dharma on its back. The connection between this symbol and Tarot reading is tenuous at best, but then again, it's a personal one, because my sign in the Chinese zodiac is a horse, and horses have seemed to play a significant role in my life. Also, my element is Air, a component of wind. It seemed to fit, it sounds cool, and though this may be kind of a reach, what the heck, it works. There is an important step too, when reading for other people, that is either explicit or implicit- have a code of ethics. Most people write their own, and after reviewing several, here's what I came up with; basically, be truthful, don't exploit people, and remember that people have free will. And if you're going to do this for others, prepare to spend a lot of time answering questions about romance, relationships and love. Sometimes people know the answer, and they just need some reassurance. If the multiverse is pushing you in a particular direction, no one says you can't stop and read the road signs!
So here's what I came up with:
1. I will serve the best interests of the client, and will not by action or inaction knowingly cause harm in my professional capacity.
2. I will treat all clients equally, with fairness, integrity, honesty and freedom from bias.
3. I will be truthful in representing my qualifications and abilities.
4. I will maintain strict confidentiality of my clients and the subjects discussed, except where I am required by law to disclose information, or at the client's request.
5. I will not offer advice or provide answers I am not qualified to give, such as medical or psychiatric advice, and will refer such questions to qualified sources.
6. The client at all times has the right to terminate, refuse or cancel a reading at any time, regardless of prior consent.
7. I will respect and show professional courtesy to other readers.
8. I will not, for personal gain or other reasons, deliberately instill fear, worry or unease in a client, and will instead offer advice and insight.
9. The client is entitled to the best guidance I can give and the best, most accurate and thorough insight and analysis I can provide.
10. I will respect the free will of the client, and their freedom to make decisions; I will not make the client's decisions for them.
11. I will give my full attention to each client, and will use all my skill and all resources at my disposal to provide an in-depth, accurate and thorough assessment of the situation, and will do everything in my power to provide insight and understanding.

I don't expect the world to beat a path to the door, but hey- if I can make a few people rest a little easier, why in the worlds not? There are a number of other factors to take into consideration, too- what kind of structure should it have? Given the small scale, probably a sole proprietorship would be a good start- the registration process is a little easier for most states, which will allow you to register yourself as a business. I don't intend to become a 'rock star' of the fortune-telling world (I suppose I can say fortune telling with a relative degree of accuracy- a good Tarot reader provides insight, advice and perspective, not simply telling you the future- you can tell yourself the future, then go make it happen.)
There's also the question of certification- there is an organization that can certify you as a professional Tarot reader, and will administer exams, along with an exam fee. Interesting, I thought. Actually, I've done all the work the description of these exams entail, though I just thought I was being thorough. I didn't know at that point that such a thing as certification existed! It's a feather in your cap, so to speak- not necessary, some people do it and some don't. But the main factor is experience and competence- with this you can pass this type of certification exam, whether or not you do. At any rate, this will hopefully be the start of a great adventure, and one that will provide benefit to others! And besides, I'm interested to see how this whole thing plays out too- what's in the cards, if I can get away with a terrible pun.

The Red Right Hand of Rocket City

Once again, I had to look at a calendar to figure out what day of the week it was- we don't get days off, rather blocks of time in every 24-hour period off, which is not too bad. Besides, the work is both demanding and not demanding. We are currently working internal security on this base, meaning we have to confirm that people who are coming in and going out are in fact allowed to do so. We've been pretty fortunate that there has been little trouble with this, but given the odd nature of this position, it doesn't pay to get complacent. But hey, it pays the bills- at least, I hope it does! It's strange how you learn to adapt to changing demands and schedules. I usually roll in around 1130 or midnight local time, then am up at around 8 to hit the gym, maybe eat breakfast (coffee is generally an acceptable substitute) and get on with whatever the day may present, then on to duty from 2 PM to 10 PM every day. Lather, rinse, repeat. It's been a little bit of a strain, not working for the Army, I'm pretty well used to that by now, but rather being this far apart from the people I love. Tabatha, my dearest wife, is back in Connecticut- in some ways, things aren't that different, me being stationed in Oklahoma, and yet the distance between us is much greater. Some days you just put your head down and get on with the business of just getting through the day- other days, you realize, it's not that long- like almost everything in life, this too, will pass.
It looks like the war in Iraq is soon to be officially over- did we ever declare war in the first place? Remember, the power to declare war on another country does not lie with the President- rather, Congress has the final decision to vote on a declaration of war. In President Obama's last speech, he claimed there is a 'renewal' in US leadership, and that the fact that we are now withdrawing from Iraq proves this. Well, yes and no- granted, we are able to do this, and didn't miss the deadline, though this deadline was set before Obama took office, so credit where credit is due on this one. It is, however, somewhat reassuring to know that this deadline will actually be met. The 'green machine', as a certain member of my chain of command puts it, grinds on. Usually said machine is referenced when we need to perform the time-honored Army tradition of CYCA- Cover Your Commander's Ass. But at any rate, such is the way of things- one does not get to be the best squad in the division by slacking off.
Here in Afghanistan, it's pretty much business as usual. The country really is quite beautiful, apart from all the civil unrest, and the people, though with some cultural idioms we westerners find odd, are decent folks in their way- one must avoid that condescension so common during the time of the British empire, secure in our civilized superiority. The Afghanistan people have been living in their country a lot longer than we have, and seem to be doing ok there. There are also dust storms, though lately the rainfall has pretty much taken care of those. Though I have to say, I've experienced a thousand times worse in New Mexico.
Though I have to admit, I miss my home in the northeast of the US. I've been a lot of places, seen a lot of incredible things, but the only sight I really want to see is my own dear wife, my own dear home state, and the knowledge that at least I've made it this far. After this, I know the fight isn't over, but it's a small victory in a long war. And besides, I wouldn't trade this life for anything- everything happens for a reason- it falls to us to determine what the lesson in this is, and, as Marcus Aurelius put it, as of each particular thing, what is it in itself. Soon enough we'll be returning if not home for all of us, at least back to our home country- I'll be glad to be back on native soil again! At some point too, I'll need to trade in my old car, and find a place to stay, though not really in that order. I'm hoping to invest in a decent and large vehicle, one capable of driving around our two large dogs, and one also capable of crossing the distance between Oklahoma and Connecticut, when I get out of the Army, or, failing that, reenlist for a duty station closer to home. But regardless, the next step is becoming clear- to be permitted a small melodrama, sometimes the way forwards is the way back. Hello to everyone in the US, and I hope you're doing well! Time waits for no man, and this is both a positive and negative. This is far from the end of this spin of the wheel, and I'll see you all again! And of course, make an effort to keep writing, so you can track the thrilling details of my non-adventures. Stay well, and don't drink the Tenafly Viper!

As Long As Love Endures

I'm writing this post from Afghanistan, of all places. Yes, we made it over here, now are pretty much settled in and counting down till we go back to the homeland once again. Well, our homeland, at any rate. How to describe my experiences over the past couple of months? This may turn out to be a long post indeed! First, we left Fort Sill. This was not a bad thing, getting out of the rut I'd been in. There was the last-minute scrambling to get everything disposed of, stored or otherwise taken care of before leaving for what we initially thought was a dangerous and year-long run in this fascinating country. As it turns out, alas, it was not to be. Our mission got dropped, despite the fact that the unit we left desperately needed more personnel (not because of any high mortality rate, I'm glad to note, they were just short-staffed). So our deployment got cut to six months, and here we are! I'm currently pulling duty guarding access to this little corner of Bagram Air Field, which while not exactly thrilling and glamorous, keeps me more or less safe and out of harm's way. This too comes with mixed feelings, but the most important thing is to get home safely to my wife and family. Why, you may be wondering, is this deployment six months? That I don't have an answer for, only that higher-ranking if not necessarily sharper minds than my own have made that call. Ours is not to wonder why, ours is just to smile and say yassuh, massah.
The country itself is pretty amazing- we're tucked away in the foothills of a massive range of mountains, which we can see on three sides of our camp. We're currently staying in tents, which are a bit more permanent in structure than the term might imply- not much, but utilitarian enough. There are occasional dust storms, and rain, but apart from that, the weather is surprisingly moderate, though tending towards cold. We were originally slated for a different mission, but wound up here at Bagram. I for one would take my own home country and home coast any day of the week! Transportation is the main business going on here, as Bagram is a jumping-off point for bases throughout Afghanistan, so there are usually flights of one type or another coming in or out. One of the more memorable points of being here was the Chinook ride from here to Salerno base, where we were originally assigned. Chinooks tend to fly comparatively low, and the flight crews will only raise the large rear hatch when taking off or landing- the rest of the time, it can be brought down flat to provide a convenient place to sit and watch the countryside go by from the comfort of a machine gun mount. The view is pretty amazing, and to my Western eyes, surprising how little of the country is developed. Farms, roads and buildings exist, so I suppose development is a highly relative term in this case. At any rate, this is Afghanistan. Once in a while something illicit goes down, but it seems that by and large, the people are moving towards autonomy, and the Taliban is losing its hold. The goal of my own unit, and by extension much of the work being done here, is to allow the country self-governance. In a more cynical frame of mind, I might make some note on US imperialism, but I'd like to think that the country would do best on its own. China is kind of peeking around the corner, so to speak, and would love to get their political and economic hands on Afghanistan. Why, you may wonder, is the world so concerned about this backwater country, with mountains, jihadists, sheep and mountains in more or less equal proportions? There are several answers of this- trade routes is a part, as is apparently a good deal of minerals in them thar hills, and whoever controls the mining rights controls a substantial chunk of change. So then, if perhaps this country can establish a central, autonomous government, they can invest in mining technology (the extent of which now is a few donkeys, a shovel and a cart) and develop an economy. Or hopefully, favorable trade relations with the West. To editorialize a bit more, perhaps Washington should fix a few domestic problems before turning our 'helping' influences to the rest of the globe, but hey, don't ask me, I'm just a grunt like the rest of us.
At any rate, I'm doing okay here, getting by, though I think the first thing I'm going to do when I get to the States is eat a decent cheeseburger. But at any rate, I'm still planning on going home to Connecticut in April, which will be a couple months or so after I'm due back at Fort Sill. What we'll be doing for the rest of the time there, I don't know. The word is that the artillery batteries are getting re-structured, which doesn't really have much to do with me anyway. I'm not an artilleryman, I'm a truck driver, so will likely get kicked back over to my old unit, where I will continue to drive trucks and haul various and sundry supplies to the four points of the base. It's a living. My dear wife doesn't want to move to Oklahoma, and given the fact that I don't plan on staying in Oklahoma much longer than the term of my enlistment anyway, I agree with her. It'll probably be easier for her to stay where she is, especially in light of the fact that she has the dogs with her. I'm looking forwards to getting settled up there, possibly in a larger apartment, or even a house. Beyond the next year, I don't know, I'm trying to come up with some brilliant plan for the rest of my life, and am not quite sure how to proceed. I've come to believe that to a large extent you make your own life- there are unknowns, true- such is the nature of our lives, but the decisions you make today and actions you take today mean repercussions, for better or worse, tomorrow. But I know whatever comes, we'll endure. When I married my dear wife, our vows were 'as long as love endures'. There was a time I didn't know this gal existed; now I can't picture my life without her in it. That either says a good deal about me, or the fact that what we have is something special. I'm fairly certain it's the latter. Whatever comes next, wherever the next chapter of this long story takes us, I know we'll make it, somehow. Life is not always easy, sometimes painful, but these painful experiences can provide insight- avoid making the mistakes we've made in the past.
That about covers all the news from here- things are not as exciting as you may think on a deployment, no coming home to a chest full of medals (actually just a couple), but there are more important things in life- I for one will continue to look towards the future, and hope.

The Story So Far, Once Again

I'm back in Oklahoma. How exciting. It continues to be hot and the generally depressing ghetto that it's always been. I'm still feeling in limbo, despite having gotten past the inertia of not being married and stuck in a non-deploying unit. I think it's this place, where we seem to spend a lot of time waiting for things to happen. It seems that the world has moved on past this town, and yet the town still remains. Will I be complaining in Afghanistan? I don't know, I kind of doubt it. I'm tending to think it's just that Lawton is not a good match for me. But not for much longer, it would seem.

At any rate, it'll be a step towards going home to Tabatha, which has been far and away the hardest part of the past month. That wedding ring on my hand serves as a constant reminder of why I need to get home in one piece, but also how far away home seems to be. This was one of the definite cons in the debate over whether to reenlist, that I'll be away from home on a fairly regular basis, or failing that, will be stuck behind a desk dealing with the awesome power of the Army bureacracy every day. But on the other hand, it's a paycheck. The latest I've heard is that the Army was considering going from a pension to a 401K plan, or whatever the federal equivalent is. Operant word being considering, which leads me to not trust the Army Times- it seems any rumor they hear gets printed as if it's gospel truth. Whether this is just a lack of follow-through or to sell more papers, I don't know, but now tend to avoid it. Things change a hundred times over as the powers that be try to reach a consensus (isn't that what we have orders for?), and what you finally end up with is much different than when you started.

But at any rate, here I am, missing my family, and stuck in Oklahoma, where nothing much continues to happen. Tabatha told me earlier on that though we've done a great deal and come a long way, my fight has just begun. This struck me as odd, but makes a good deal of sense. I know there's a bit more down the road to go through, but that whatever else happens, I know I'll get home safe. Actually, I'm almost eager to get going, as it'll be a step forwards. I've spent far too much time waiting around already- one could point out that most of that was my own doing, but still. I figure it's not so much a fight as it is get through what's ahead. It almost feels like a given, pre-ordained, or something like that- I come back home, safe and sound, then things go from there. Where, I don't know yet, but will hopefully find out soon enough. Further details to come, I guess.

Dance, Dance, Dance

This day reminds me of a book by my favorite author- hence the title. The book was a sequel to (get this) A Wild Sheep Chase, also highly recommended. But the title also comes from the question- what do you do when you feel like you're in limbo? It's not so bad, really. But honestly, I feel like I need to put my life on hold to go back to Oklahoma, then to Afghanistan. The good news is, I'm married to my best friend, and I know I'll be writing lots of letters to her, and to everyone else. This helps a lot, and besides, who knows, maybe this chapter of our story will be worth telling! Lots of people do that, though I'd guess many of them will have more spectacular adventures than me. But my life is my own story, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. The above, featuring the incomporable Reggie Bannister, perhaps best renowned for the Phantasm films, is kind of a takeoff on my old nickname-Ice Cream Man. This came from my days in the 696th. Those of you who have seen the movie Forrest Gump may recall the Army hospital scene- wherein Tom Hanks tries to interest Gary Sinise in an ice cream cone- being naturally blessed with an occasionally goofy-sounding voice and equally occasional talent for impressions, I was able, one field problem (I was on KP for most of it, as memory serves) I got everyone laughing with an impression of the same- "Lieutenant Dan, ice cream!" The nickname has stuck ever since. I liked my explanation better- ice cold, and loved by women everywhere, ha ha. But that's okay, it's still funny as anything. So that's the undisclosed story of that particular nickname. Over in Charlie I got the nickname Chips- predictable, but hey. Like I said before, generations of Chipmans have no doubt garnered the same nickname in some form or another. I wonder if Tabatha will get the same nickname? Her new sister-in law was Chippy in high school. I always found that funny, as Chippy can also be used to refer to a young lady, in the slang of a bygone era.

So far, married life is going great! There's a pesky ex, two wonderful kids, and a broken-down old minivan in the equation too, just to make things interesting. I keep telling Tabatha, we're an us now. I'm planning on trading in the car when I get back, and sinking a sufficient amount of money into a new vehicle for the both of us. A lot of guys go for sports cars or muscle cars- I'm thinking something less on the fancy side, and more on the practical side. And big enough for the moose-dog, bless his big shaggy heart. A good chunk of that is going to go to my retirement account, which has pretty much sat there since I signed up for it- set it into growth mutual funds and left it the hell alone. Like all retirement plans, it can roll over if and when I change jobs. Sad to say, the Army is doing away with the fixed-benefit pension plans, one of the major incentives to putting in 20-plus years of service. Honestly. I don't know what they're thinking. President Obama, I'm going overseas to face danger, people that want to kill me, shoot at me or blow me up, and hate Americans on principle. And I'm not doing a damn bit of it for you. I'm going over there because first off, I took an oath to defend this country. Secondly, because I want to make sure I do everything in my power to make sure the guys on my patrol make it back in one piece. And thirdly but by no means lastly, because I want to take care of my family.

Yes, there's talk of a family on our side of House Chipman. Not in a hurry though, and I'm certainly all right with adopting. If the equal rights movement has taught me one thing, it's that it's love that makes a family. Sounds so cliched, but it's very much true. Loved ones are your family. My pretty-darn-cool in-laws are very much family! My in-laws welcomed me to this crazy family, which I appreciated. And Tabatha saw potential in me when I didn't even see it in myself. She has a great deal of strength, more than she realizes. I know this is old hat, nothing that hasn't been said before, but that doesn't make it any easier to be apart from her. I know we're going to have a cool little deployment ceremony, in which we all honor those people who serve overseas (not so much ourselves, we who are heading out remember those who have gone before us), and this too is a good kind of energy in its own strange way. More than that- I made a promise to come home safely, and I intend to honor it. And, as the cadence goes, if I die in the old drop zone,

Box me up and ship me home

Pin my medals upon my chest,

Tell my girl I done my best.

Well, no worries there. My best will be done, there and back here in the States. I'm not going to die there, I know that. How I know that, I don't know. But I know that's not the way the story ends. It gets more and more interesting, and has a good deal of pages left to write. After this deployment, the question becomes, where do we go from here? It may be here in CT, I don't really know. It seems like everything costs more in Connecticut- rent, taxes, gas (especially). But further north, say Massachussetts, is always an option. Oklahoma, especially Lawton, is dirt cheap. But Lawton is a hell hole, quite frankly. (ha ha, see previous entries, yet again). But moving down south solely because everything's cheaper doesn't seem to be a good idea. Well, I'll have lots of time to think it through this upcoming year, and reach a conclusion. From here, I become legend. This chapter of my story is told, and a new chapter begins anew. From the ashes has risen the phoenix, yet again. It's an upward evolution, the next chapter in a story that has been told a thousand times before, and will be told a thousand times again before this world is done.