Boys and girls of every age, wouldn't you like to see something strange?
The time comes when I'll be leaving CT and going to Lawton, OK, home of Ft. Sill. I was assigned to the 214th Field Artillery division, 696th Forward Support Co. It seems I have no home, yet- nowhere that I can stand on a streetcorner and say, this place is home to me. But perhaps as time goes on that will change. Home, after all, is where and what you make of it.
For the past 5 months, I've been working towards this end- establishing a new life, and the final few pieces are falling into place. I have a career, a hope for the future, and a direction and purpose for my life. And now there's nothing left to do but pull stakes and get down there.
There was a time when I was scared- when I was about 14 or so, I spent a couple weeks in Maine, and one warm day found us on the Saco River- the site may still be there, it's been many years since I've been in Maine. But there was a still, deep section of the river, near a factory that at one point must have used the river as power. The result of all this was a huge concrete wall, at the bottom of which was deep water. There was a sheer drop of about 60 feet or so, although it was no great task to swim down the river and get back to the bank, from there to climb back up to the point where you would jump off. I never could quite get the courage up to jump off of there- now I know what I was missing! The fact is, I learned from that experience never to turn away from a challenge, never to back down. This served me well in basic training, and I've never looked back. The only difference is, now there's no deep water underneath me, no safety line. I don't know what will happen next, what will happen if I jump- will I survive, or splatter? As long as my family stays safe and well, I really suppose the two come out to the same thing- and what a ride down! I won't let them down, and will do what needs to be done.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
A Bucket of Gasoline
And time winds onwards, towards a long trip down to Oklahoma. Today is a few odd errands, then apart from that move furniture. The usual stuff we need to do before beginning a new life. Hopefully this will be the end of the beginning, and things will settle down. In other world news, I got an offer for a band! They were looking for a bassist, and already have a name- Disposable Heroes. Fitting in some ways for the military (all of us are out of Ft. Sill), but none of us are bitter about the job we chose- we are disposable, although we're some of the most valuable assets the government has. I have high hopes for the band, as there could be a lot of exciting gigs in our future- seems there's not a lot going on around Lawton, but perhaps a local demand for good music- there's a club on post that would be the perfect place to perform, and get everyone excited and moving. Well, at this point I know it's just a pipe dream, but still. With a lot of hard work, I think it could be something great.
Desire, Ignorance and Want
I'll admit, I get freaked out by stupid things. Last night I was re-reading A Christmas Carol, and came across the passage where the Ghost of Christmas Present introduces Scrooge to the children of Man who are under his robe- for those not familiar with the story, the passage is as follows-
“They are Man’s,” said the Spirit, looking down upon them. “And they cling to me, appealing from their fathers. This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased.”
They are in appearance two dirty, starving children, and represent, well, ignorance and want. Why are they hanging around with the Ghost of Christmas Present? Perhaps because at this time they are both concealed and at the same time more intensely known than any other time of the year. The Spirit says they are "appealing from their fathers"- those people in ignorance, want or both. Why does this scare me so much? Because Dickens is very much right- written on the forehead of Ignorance is indeed doom- the destruction of man. Not nuclear war, not murder and wanton destruction- these things are merely the tools of ignorance. Ignorance itself is much deeper, much more sinister- it uses these things like a musician uses an instrument, and holds in its dirty, scrawny hands the capability to destroy everything man has accomplished.
I always thought ignorance was curable through knowledge- I drew a distinction between ignorance and stupidity. Ignorance is simply a state of not knowing; once you know, then ignorance is cured. Stupidity is refusing or actively resisting knowing- I don't want to see, I won't see rather than I did not know. However, I begin to understand Dickens' definition of ignorance, and find it pretty similar to what I had grasped- ignore-ance- what I always thought was stupidity. It's not a state of not knowing, it's a state of either voluntarily or involuntarily turning a blind eye to suffering and want- especially when it's within our power to help other people. In the time and place Dickens wrote, this was especially pronounced, with a huge gap between the richest and poorest citizens.
I think the problem is, as it was then, a little deeper than mere social reform could cure. Ignorance is a two-way street; people who are in want and need may not know how to remedy their situation- however, there are those who simply do not do so. Don't misunderstand, I am a firm believer in giving my fellow men and women a helping hand when they need it- it's a way to a better place for them, and besides, no man stands alone, he stands with the help of his brothers and sisters. However, when a man refuses to stand, how can he be helped?
So the answer is not more charity- it's different charity. I try (and on rare occasions succeed) to live a life of inspiration, to do acts that inspire the goodness in all people. This is not always easy, and I'll admit I've gotten hosed a couple times. But I try to turn no one away who comes to me in need of help. Wasn't it Socrates who said not a life, but a good life is to be chiefly valued?
So what does this have to do with desire? This is a part of ignorance, I've found- no matter where we are, it can be that we see what else is in the world, and how that is so much more appealing than our own situation. But when we get there, there will always be something just beyond our reach, or something we yet do not have. This way lies madness, and is the Buddhist definition of suffering- being unable to enjoy where we are, always continuously looking away from the present to what could be- not what is. I think it's a shortcoming of the language that we have only one word for desire- to desire some things in some way is good- to desire other things in a different way is harmful. To desire, for example, to see a person in need be helped, or to help them, is a good thing. To constantly desire what we do not have is not, and drives us to distraction. And in the end, we can end up losing what would have made us happy all along.
“They are Man’s,” said the Spirit, looking down upon them. “And they cling to me, appealing from their fathers. This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased.”
They are in appearance two dirty, starving children, and represent, well, ignorance and want. Why are they hanging around with the Ghost of Christmas Present? Perhaps because at this time they are both concealed and at the same time more intensely known than any other time of the year. The Spirit says they are "appealing from their fathers"- those people in ignorance, want or both. Why does this scare me so much? Because Dickens is very much right- written on the forehead of Ignorance is indeed doom- the destruction of man. Not nuclear war, not murder and wanton destruction- these things are merely the tools of ignorance. Ignorance itself is much deeper, much more sinister- it uses these things like a musician uses an instrument, and holds in its dirty, scrawny hands the capability to destroy everything man has accomplished.
I always thought ignorance was curable through knowledge- I drew a distinction between ignorance and stupidity. Ignorance is simply a state of not knowing; once you know, then ignorance is cured. Stupidity is refusing or actively resisting knowing- I don't want to see, I won't see rather than I did not know. However, I begin to understand Dickens' definition of ignorance, and find it pretty similar to what I had grasped- ignore-ance- what I always thought was stupidity. It's not a state of not knowing, it's a state of either voluntarily or involuntarily turning a blind eye to suffering and want- especially when it's within our power to help other people. In the time and place Dickens wrote, this was especially pronounced, with a huge gap between the richest and poorest citizens.
I think the problem is, as it was then, a little deeper than mere social reform could cure. Ignorance is a two-way street; people who are in want and need may not know how to remedy their situation- however, there are those who simply do not do so. Don't misunderstand, I am a firm believer in giving my fellow men and women a helping hand when they need it- it's a way to a better place for them, and besides, no man stands alone, he stands with the help of his brothers and sisters. However, when a man refuses to stand, how can he be helped?
So the answer is not more charity- it's different charity. I try (and on rare occasions succeed) to live a life of inspiration, to do acts that inspire the goodness in all people. This is not always easy, and I'll admit I've gotten hosed a couple times. But I try to turn no one away who comes to me in need of help. Wasn't it Socrates who said not a life, but a good life is to be chiefly valued?
So what does this have to do with desire? This is a part of ignorance, I've found- no matter where we are, it can be that we see what else is in the world, and how that is so much more appealing than our own situation. But when we get there, there will always be something just beyond our reach, or something we yet do not have. This way lies madness, and is the Buddhist definition of suffering- being unable to enjoy where we are, always continuously looking away from the present to what could be- not what is. I think it's a shortcoming of the language that we have only one word for desire- to desire some things in some way is good- to desire other things in a different way is harmful. To desire, for example, to see a person in need be helped, or to help them, is a good thing. To constantly desire what we do not have is not, and drives us to distraction. And in the end, we can end up losing what would have made us happy all along.
Monday, December 21, 2009
The Greatest Story Never Told
It's another time, another place- I'm continually bothered by weird dreams, and the weird thing is, this one is not beyond possibility, if completely impossible for other reasons. It involved cheating on Tabatha- would this really be so difficult to do if I were of a mind to? Now, keep in mind I'm talking about the actual mechanics of it, not the emotional and mental toll it would take- and besides, it would not be an honorable thing to do. As a soldier, I've found that integrity and honor are important- without these things, we are nothing, just a boy's club in funny uniforms. I probably shouldn't be that concerned about the dream, and here's why- because your dreams allow you to explore concepts and do things you would never do in waking life. It's just another aspect of this new and bizarre situation I find myself in. I also dreamed I had someone reach down my throat and pull out demon residue in the form of a long, tiger-printed gauze scarf. I'd put that on a par with dreaming about cheating as equally probable in waking life.
But then again, the situation is what you make of it. Ft. Sill is kind of a little cowpoke town, but it's what you make of it. It can be a really great place to work, or you can hate every minute of it- it's up to you, ultimately, what you want it to be.
And besides, there are Sonics there- for the longest time here in CT we would watch commercials for Sonic drive-ins, and never could find any here in CT. But down south, you can't throw a rock and not hit one. The food is pretty good, and they asked me right off the bat if I wanted jalapenos on my cheeseburger. Ok, I'm sold! Besides, the food is some of the best I've ever had in a burger joint. The only thing I don't like about the south is that the Wal-Marts tend to drive out other grocery stores. Hopefully I can find fresh vegetables, at least during the summer- I passed a couple of (obviously closed in December) vegetable/fruit stands. Hoping fresh okra and peppers are in my future!
But then again, the situation is what you make of it. Ft. Sill is kind of a little cowpoke town, but it's what you make of it. It can be a really great place to work, or you can hate every minute of it- it's up to you, ultimately, what you want it to be.
And besides, there are Sonics there- for the longest time here in CT we would watch commercials for Sonic drive-ins, and never could find any here in CT. But down south, you can't throw a rock and not hit one. The food is pretty good, and they asked me right off the bat if I wanted jalapenos on my cheeseburger. Ok, I'm sold! Besides, the food is some of the best I've ever had in a burger joint. The only thing I don't like about the south is that the Wal-Marts tend to drive out other grocery stores. Hopefully I can find fresh vegetables, at least during the summer- I passed a couple of (obviously closed in December) vegetable/fruit stands. Hoping fresh okra and peppers are in my future!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
The More Things Change
How long has it been? Less than 10 months, apparently, as Tabatha is listed as a follower on this blog- (my experience has been she's just as good as a leader, too, but that's another story). I was actually surprised to find this still up and running, gathering dust out there. Now it's another time, another place, another life. What has happened between now and then?
Perhaps first and foremost, things have changed career-wise. It's been a while, actually at least 4 months. Basic training has come and gone, as has AIT. If I knew then what I know now, I would have joined up a lot sooner. It's going well, and my current assignment is the 214th Field Artillery Regiment, 696th Forward Support Co. Basically, we get it where it needs to be when it needs to be there. As of late, there hasn't been much that needs to be anywhere, so we've been kind of at loose ends. But as of now, I'm back in CT on leave to get my affairs back in order and ship back to Lawton, OK. (214th is based in Fort Sill, like most of the field artillery divisions.) But I won't be going back alone- Tabatha has agreed to do me the great honor of accompanying me down there, where in time we'll be married. But that's what will change this bizarre little military town to a home- not the endless churches and liquor stores, not the odd people I work with, although these things will definitely help as well. The time I've spent has been a great adventure, with the promise of more to come. For the first time I know I'm out there without a safety net- no one has my back, there's nowhere to run to and nowhere to turn to. So this just continues what I already found out- you can do what needs to be done. Would I have believed I could make it through basic? Would I have believed I could survive everything the Army could throw at me and come out with flying colors? No, I would never have believed it. Which is good, because it relies on actions, not beliefs. But as time goes on, I find that I don't need to sit around worrying and endlessly speculating about what could be, what will work and what won't. Just do it already!
And it feels... cool. To be out there, in the wilds of Lawton, pretty much holding my own life and future in my hands. I could self- destruct, I could go on to lead a long and glorious career, and the only way this happens is by my own hands. But then again, no man is an island, least of all me. I know full well that I can do what needs to be done- that's not what's so cool. The fact is that I can build a new life, make it what I want; create the world I want to live in. And take everyone else with me.
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