The Rapture Is Coming, Bring An Umbrella

Hello everyone still on Earth, and possibly people not on Earth! I'm not sure, the Rapture was either last night or is today at noon-ish. So what does that mean? More than likely nothing, but here's the party line- all the righteous people get removed bodily from the Earth and go hang out up in the sky, heaven or some similar locale (never been entirely clear on this) while below the remaining populace does Jager shots with the Antichrist. I'm not sure about that last part, it seems probable enough though. I guess by virtue of being righteous, they get to avoid some long period of generally not-fun stuff. The Rapture may well have occurred, I don't think I would notice the difference between that and pretty much every day here anyway.

But at any rate, if you're up there in the sky and you get wireless internet, I'll try and keep you guys up to speed on developments on the down side. So far, we have multiple political and celebrity figures who could be identified as the Antichrist, however I'm guessing the Antichrist would need to be capable of outsmarting your average pigeon, so I'm thinking he's more of a behind-the-scenes type of guy, pulling strings from the shadows.

Anyway, apart from that, we've got some major looting and destruction scheduled for when after the Rapture occurs, so if you righteous guys have anything important, you might want to toss it in a backpack and keep it with you. On the other hand, I for one promise not to make off with your social security number or steal your identity or anything. No doubt credit scores will follow you into the afterlife- what the hell, they seem to govern everything else about your existence, and that's a hassle none of us need. You'll probably need some time to get adjusted to living in the sky anyway, so we can try and make the transition as painless as possible. But if you decide to throw stuff at us down below, remember I have access to big guns, and I'm a really good shot. I'll be shooting from directly below you- use your imagination.

Personally, I'm quite happy here on good old terra firma. It's been my home for the last 32 years, and I'm really in no hurry to leave. Besides, from what I hear the real action's going to be down here, not up in Heaven. There's the old adage of 'rather reign in Hell than serve in Heaven'. I've always heard it expressed like reigning in Hell is a bad thing! Actually, I would take the option of reigning in Hell with a clear conscience and no little annoying voice saying 'you sold out to avoid suffering' or something to that effect than to be in Heaven. Now you tell me- does sticking to your principles in the face of opposition make you righteous? Does it make one worthy of this God, even when I would not bow to serve him if I could not do so whole-heartedly? The story also goes that Lucifer, God's go-to guy for a while, would not serve God because he (Lucifer) wanted the top spot. Well, this makes Lucifer either incredibly moral or incredibly stupid. I say moral because he could (I assume, not being in on the inner workings of the angelic psyche) just have choked back his pride, or perhaps knowledge that things could be better, and served God. Instead, he stuck by the principles he believed to be right, to the point of being kicked out of Heaven and cast into Hell. I've always found that really admirable- again, reign in Hell rather than serve in Heaven. But why not serve in Heaven? Because that strong a conviction would turn Heaven to Hell for him. He would never be free of doubt, and perhaps eventually it would consume him.
Now if God is a god of love, infinite in mercy and compassion, wouldn't he have let Lucifer go, maybe thrown a retirement party and given him a gold watch? Experience teaches me that if you love someone, you can let them go. To be truly in love with someone, you have to be able to let them go. Not that you necessarily should let them go, but you have to be able to. So the story of Lucifer goes on to say he recruited a whole bunch of like-minded angels, who perhaps were feeling those same nagging doubts, and went to war against the remaining angels. You'd figure God would just let them go and save the trouble of warfare, but no. Looks like good old God's ego got in the way again. What would have been the outcome of such a war, anyway? If Lucifer had won, would he have taken over the position of God? I didn't know the office was open. And if God is all-powerful, why is Lucifer even challenging him? Wouldn't he just wave a hand, or whatever the equivalent of that is, and extinguish all these pesky rebellious angels? Or just change their minds, put them back in line and get on with whatever it is they do all day? No, God wanted vengeance, it would seem. So Lucifer gets the boot, and now hangs out in Hell for all eternity, presumably holding a grudge bigger than Dallas.
Well, you know, this Lucifer sounds like a pretty with-it guy, so I'm thinking he probably just picked up the pieces and moved on with life. I'm assuming the story is true, something I don't really think, but here's the likely explanation given those conditions:

Lucifer had strong convictions, we know that already. He didn't agree with the way God was running things, so he decided to try and improve the situation. It didn't go so well with the war in Heaven, but he did get his own place, and set up a second organization. Now one of two things happens- our benevolent, infinitely merciful God beat the pants off of him and sent him to a place of eternal torment. (see previous- benevolent, infinite mercy...), Or Lucifer just said hell with it, so to speak, I'm just going to do things my way. Perhaps there are other people, angels and so on out there with that same independent streak. Well, we've got some prime real estate down here, and these guys obviously won't be welcome in Heaven. So seeing as I'm a big powerful archangel, why don't I set up a little reception for them? They can't go to Heaven for the same reason I can't- because they won't bow to serve a power they don't believe in. Let's set it up so they have some place to go, and if God is really that pissed, and can hold a grudge for that long, well, at least I'll do what I can to mitigate the suffering of the truly righteous. So Hell is established, God is in Heaven, and a great deal of us go to Hell either through our own willing design or just by getting caught in the mix.
I could be wrong, but it seems to me the only place in this model for a truly free thinker is Hell, not Heaven. The Bible talks about suffering for one's conviction- Matthew 5:11 says, "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me." But perhaps the door swings both ways- personally, I have a live-and-let-live relationship with the Christians I know- I don't tell you what I think unless you ask me, and if you do ask me, I always approach the subject with respect and understanding, and we get along fine. But that's another story, friends, neighbors and fellow sinners.
So be nice to people of all religions and all backgrounds, the simple facts of the matter are we don't have enough concrete evidence to make any conclusions- speculation and reason are about the only tools we have for this particular job. Stay well, and don't drink the Tenafly Viper.