Bum Wine Review

Mainly because I don't really have anything else to do, I figured I would offer my critique of the genre of alcoholic beverages known colloquially as bum wine. Though in many cases these are not wines per se, they fall under the category due to low price and questionable production. Some are not bad, some foul beyond measure. If you are interested in bum wine, check out also www.bumwine.com for all your bum wine-related questions. These are merely the select few I have had the pleasure to come across- no doubt there are others. Here are my opinions, in no particular order-
Cisco- The label of this peculiar concoction warns that it is not a wine cooler. What it is, well, no one is sure. It comes in neon-bright colors not found anywhere in nature, or for that matter in other drinks. Cisco has commonly been identified as a source of "Cisco psychosis"- some bizarre chemical reaction can increase your energy level, aggressiveness, and basically make you hyperactive while smelling like low tide. The alcohol content of Cisco is approximately 18%, and the rest is probably something akin to Kool-Aid. Very sweet, very dangerous if you are around anyone prone to argument. If you should feel compelled to try this, split the bottle with a friend (that way you'll both get in trouble) and I recommend the strawberry.
MD 20-20- This name is something of a misnomer, as it's highly unlikely you'll be seeing 20-20 after a does of this. Commonly known as Mad Dog, it lacks the psychosis-inducing effects of Cisco, and scores several points lower on the taste scale. Its alcohol content is about the same, 18%, and it also comes in various garish colors. Green Mad Dog is available, though to this date I know of no one fearless enough to try it. One of the less expensive of the bum wine genre, Mad Dog has a somewhat bitter chemical aftertaste, rather like an industrial disinfectant. Apart from that, it is guaranteed to keep you up all night. It is a little closer to true wine than some of its cousins, and the process of creating red wine means that it contains sulfides- the chemicals responsible for an occasional bout of insomnia after drinking. Combine this with the feeling of having swallowed a hot cannonball, and you're in for a rough night.
Wild Irish Rose- A true classic, this is also high on the alcohol content scale, also coming in at about 18%. It is described as "citrus wine", although what fruit went into it is frankly unknown. It is a good deal sweeter than anything out there with the possible exception of Cisco, and a bit thicker. Many fans recommend mixing it with a seltzer and serving it on the rocks. This is actually not bad, as it cuts the sweetness down quite well. It is available in red and white versions, although the red is much more commonly found. Consuming an entire bottle of Wild Irish Rose has been known to make people become sentimental and/or fall asleep. Recommended as a dessert wine for people of extremely limited budget. Follow the instructions, in this case, and serve cold.
Night Train- By far the most vile and offensive stuff on the market, with the exception of the elusive Thunderbird, the Night Train usually makes a stop for the Porcelain Express. With a flavor a bit like Crystal Light and gasoline, and an astronomically high alcohol content, Night Train exists for one reason and one only- to get you messed up in a hurry. And this it does quite well, although the resulting hangovers are generally worse than anything previously experienced, unless, of course, you have actually tried Crystal Light and gasoline. Night Train is somewhat rare, at least in New England, but if it can be found, I recommend trying it at least once, then give the bottle to someone else so they can see how nasty it is.
Boone's Farm- Perhaps unfairly included in the bum wine family, Boone's Farm is a light, sweet, low- alcohol wine that comes in a variety of strange fruit flavors. Other types are Blue Hawaiian, Sangria and Peach, all actually very good served on the rocks. Boone's is inexpensive and fairly sweet, and for a bum wine exceeds the low standards set for such a drink. I think it's frequently included as a bum wine not for any flaw in its production, but rather due to its inexpensiveness. Its culinary uses are admittedly limited, but all in all, it is perhaps somewhat more sophisticated than other wines.
Ripple- Not much to add on this one, as it's kind of like Wild Irish Rose, except less sweet and thick. Overall, not too bad. It also comes in a strange variety of fruit flavors, although it's debatable whether any fruit was present during its manufacture. Much like Wild Irish Rose, best served cold and/or on the rocks. Adding seltzer here too is not a bad idea.
Thunderbird- The holy grail of bum wines- there is no cheaper nor fouler alcoholic beverage known to man. Not widely available, this offering tastes much like Night Train, except without the Crystal Light. It also inexplicably turns one's lips black. It has something to do with the charcoal used in its fermentation, although the exact chemical reactions remain a mystery. Best avoided, as it too re-routes all travelers to the Porcelain Express. Available in several flavors, but each is so vile, it really doesn't make a difference .
Well, hopefully this will give you some idea what to avoid and what's worth a look. Some of these may have cooking applications- experimentation, after all, has produced surprising results. Of course, do not drink to excess, or in some cases, at all. Bum wine can be appreciated much as its more pedigreed cousins can, although it remains a world unto itself.