It's been a couple weeks in Lawton, and a couple weeks in the motor pool. Both are ok overall. Tabatha has given a great deal to be here, and I keep her in my heart morning, noon and night. It's her that I really want to make this work for. And when obstacles seem impossibly high and large, it's her that I feel I've let down. I came here not to be a hero, but to be what so many other people take for granted- normal and independent. So far I've managed neither. Finances have been all over the place, it seems like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, and I've been a step away from the asylum more times than I can count.
But it's not how many times you fall down- it's the number of times you get back up again. And as long as that's one more, you won't be beaten. A part of me wants to give up- just call it quits, throw in the towel and stalk off into the night, never to be seen again. But I can't do that- and it's not Tabatha, it's not the fact that I'd go to jail for desertion; it's just some things you don't do. Can you pull your own arms off? No more can I give up. So this makes a kind of interesting psychological quandary; stress without any means to release. Our bodies, like any animal, are designed for fight or flight- that is, a stressful situation calls for us to do one of two things- face the threat and attack, or get the hell out of there and save our skins. Evolution has bred survival into us, and so we've existed until the present time. Man is now an active shaper of his world, and no longer is subject to the environment. So the fight or flight reflex no longer serves a purpose, really. We would need a clear head and calm mind to tackle problems, not a violent and immediate response. Clearly, this response is not designed for prolonged use- it's designed to flood the body with adrenaline and then to allow it to recuperate. Prolonged stress taxes the body beyond what it was meant to endure- thus stress- related mental and physical complaints. I've often wished there were some quick and violent way to resolve problems, although that may be a completely male response. I want to be in control, and woe betide you if you stand in my way. But this is not the way it works. I'm a Libra, as Tabatha likes to point out, therefore predisposed to intelligence, problem-solving and communication. But nonetheless, when you or your family is threatened, it seems we all are not that far removed from other mammals.
The one bright spot in all this mess is the human mind- I have firsthand seen what heights it can reach, and it is for me a source of faith and inspiration. There are men and women who have overcome much more impossible odds than I'm currently facing. So I know that all I need to do ultimately is to sit down, take a deep breath and think about it, knowing whatever pain I feel is only temporary. Fail, and that pain I feel for my loved ones becomes forever. That's my own private, all-inclusive four star hell- the pain I feel when I know I just didn't have what it takes to knock down all the obstacles in my way. But then again, whatever comes along, I know I'll still be here. I've had to swallow my pride and ask for help before, perhaps some day I'll actually get it right.
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