On The Shores of R'Lyeh

It's been quite a time here! I realize one of the reasons for coming here was so that I could 'find myself'. Didn't know I was lost in the first place, but I've found that I really have a great deal of internal resources I didn't really acknowledge or know about. It's so easy to just blame the situation- "Oh, life is hard, anyone else would have done the same". I no longer care what anyone else would do. I know what I'm going to do. They say don't live in the past, don't worry about the future- rather use the present to plan for the future, and learn from the past, and that's what I try to do. I hate to harp on the subject, but it deserves mentioning. I talked to the ex, who seems bound and determined to make things my fault. No matter what I do, it's not good enough. Story of my marriage, incidentally. A big part of this has been freeing myself from that mindset, and coming to the point that I realize it just doesn't matter. There are people on this green and blue Mardi Gras ball of mirth whose opinions matter to me- and there are others whose opinions and thoughts do not. Am I guiltless? Of course not. It's not a question of painting this in black and white, it comes down to who fights harder.
The weird thing about life is that as time goes on, it seems like less and less of a strain. I guess it's like working out- you go in for the first time you've ever set foot in a gym, and don't put that much up on the bench press. But give it say, six months or so, and you're able to move a lot more weight. The initial amount you started with is a pittance to you now. It would seem there's two ways to deal with pressure- either cave in, or get stronger. But then again, there comes a point where you need to get out from under the weight, if even for a little bit.
Though I really don't want to go back to Oklahoma, I guess I have to- to set things in order, and continue to rebuild a life. I won't be gone long, though. Taking leave every 5 months or so just isn't cutting it. It's almost like I was living a shadow of life down there- just kind of sleepwalking through the days, nights nothing more than a chance to sleep and forget for a few hours, then wake up and find a reason to go back to work all over again. Tabatha seems to think I have this wonderful life down there without her- actually the wonderful life is up north- here. But I know as time goes on, things will improve. If you don't find what you're looking for within, you'll never find it without, as the saying goes. But not finding it within means I just kind of settle into a state of apathy- neither caring nor wanting to lose everything- limbo, in other words. Well, that's all well and good, but still, it's no way to live. It's not like I lost hope- just didn't see how hope would play out. That's why I'm glad I came back, because I realized hope is not passive. If you hope for something, you need to work for that something- every one of us creates the world we live in, either consciously or unconsciously, by actions or by lack of actions. So I for one plan on a little spring cleaning. And coming back to Connecticut real soon.